Im 43 and my wife is 48. We have been married for 13 years and have an 11 year old daughter together. Both of us have been married before and have children with our ex's.
Things have been good for the most part for the last 13 years, I did put on a lot of weight and the sex soon came to a once a week thing, but the relationship was good. She was laid off from her job in 2010 and couldn't find work, so after almost two years she started playing an MMO. I didn't think anything of this until she was staying up till 1 or 2 am every night. I started snooping and found e-mails of a sexual nature to several guys. Turned out she was going to leave me and our daughter for a soon to be 18 year old. She was sex-ting and having voice chat sex with him and another guy in the UK.
We went to counseling and things seemed to get better, at least I thought things were better. She found a job and the girls there told my wife about 50 shades of grey. My wife purchased the books and they got her into BSDM. She then got on a few websites and started communicating with guys. This turned into phone sex with a couple. She had planed to move back east to be with one of them. They had even planned for him to visit so they could have sex, and she had also planned on leaving without telling anyone. She was going to leave me and our daughter a note.
I was able to stop this from happening, but she feels trapped in the marriage. The sex has been frequent and very good this year, so it took me a while to figure out something was going on. One guy she met on this site was just a friend until last week when he started flirting with her in texts. She flirted back and she told him she wanted to meet him for a hookup. I banned his number from her phone, e-mailed and texted him, and he told her not to contact him anymore. This led to a miserable few days. Things seem ok at times but she gets these urges to leave.
I don't want to lose her and have the family split up but this is exhausting. I started going to the gym a month and a half ago, and I've lost 35 pounds, thinned out, and started dressing nicer. She said she was more attracted to me and loves me more than she did. At least until the last two weeks.
After the flirting to the guy in Vegas, and the plan to hook up I did everything wrong. Now she is done and says there is no desire or hope that we will stay together.
I just bought two of Mrs. Weiner-Davis book, and i'm waiting to get them from Amazon. I would love any advise I can get. Thanks
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise. Most of us lose weight after BD.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
What are the acronym GAL stand for? I watched some of the videos on youtube, and have started detaching. It is not easy. I find myself wanting to talk, show affection etc. It is also very painful to see her so cold towards me.
What does the acronym GAL stand for? I watched some of the videos on youtube, and have started detaching. It is not easy. I find myself wanting to talk, show affection etc. It is also very painful to see her so cold towards me.
After the flirting to the guy in Vegas, and the plan to hook up I did everything wrong. Now she is done and says there is no desire or hope that we will stay together.
What do you mean you did everything wrong? Begged/ pleaded/ negotiated? I'm just asking because you say you haven't read DB/ DR yet, so I'm wondering if you mean "wrong" in DBing terms or something else.
You need to stop pursuing her ASAP if that's what you're doing. Just pull back from her. Give her time and space to think things through. She's engaging in fantasies, it's not reality. She may be under the illusion that it can be reality though. So what you're up against right now is an imaginary relationship she's picturing with Prince Charming. Somehow she's got to figure out it's not real, hopefully she can figure that out without infidelity.
You said you've lost weight and have improved your looks, good job! You're ahead of the game already. Keep it up. For now just detach from her and wait for the books to arrive and read them before taking any further action. Don't feel rushed, this is a marathon, not a sprint. It won't be resolved overnight, it takes months. Just take a deep breath and settle in.
Thanks, I got very needy and clingy, and all it did was push her farther away, so now she says she has no desire to try and fix the marriage. I watched the videos and have started pulling away, but I am having a hard time because I want her to know I love her. She has given us until mid January. If she feels the same as she does now, and no improvement in her desire or an increased feeling of hope she will move out.
She started saying she loved me a few days ago, then today her mid-life crisis took over again. She started be extremely distant, and said she has no desire to fight the MLC. She wants to meet BSDM people, travel and sleep with lots of people. I'm back to square one again. I hate this, things start improving then WHAM I get knocked to the ground.
I just read chapter 12 of "The Divorce Remedy," I was so depressed after that chapter. I don't think I can do it. She wants to move out and meet the people she had met on one of the BDSM sites she looks at. By the way, I hate 50 shades of grey so much. She wants to sleep with those men. I don't think I can be as forgiving about affairs as some of those in the MLC topics. I miss my wife and friend so much.
I was able to stop this (the physical affair) from happening, but she feels trapped in the marriage.
Terry, I'm so sorry to hear the tough situation you are in. Your W sounds pretty desperate to fulfill her fantasies. Trying to stop her will not work, and only leaves her feeling trapped as you have found. It probably even makes her want the outside sex MORE.
You have to let go of her and take care of yourself and your daughter. Wife certainly is in no shape to do this, so that leaves you. She may come back, she may not, and you need to move forward accepting this fact.
Have you read any of the DR or DB yet? Be patient, things will get better.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Terry sorry u find yourself here. This is hard stuff. In addition of your weight what else did your wife complained about u..? It's time to get your confidence back. Lets start there ok
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
