Moving the blanket away from the castle

[Arsene]

I bet this feeling is very common among people on the board. I also thought my H was always fine bc he never communicated anything negative to me. But he wasn't.

But you know what? You didn't know at the time. You did what you thought you needed to do. And your H is the one who went outside the M, not you. He also played (plays a part.) So don't be so hard on yourself. I tend to be really hard on myself too.

((((((Busting))))))

Me as well and I think that this is what causes the occasional outburst of anger I feel when I'm alone with my thoughts. It's like I'm taking all the blame for what has happened yet, I'm the one here fighting this alone and going through all this pain which, quite frankly has got to be at least as bad as what she says I put her through. At least, I never did it intentionally whereas, she knows that what she is doing is destroying our family and hurting both me and D8.

[bustingout]

Tori, NG Arsene,

Thank you of your insights and words of support. It is such a range of emotions to process and understand on this trip, isn't it? And we do put a lot of blame on ourselves. I think that is normal, and we do need to own up to our shortcomings and mistakes as spouses and as people in general, in order to grow. Yet, I do find that at times, I feel desperate about the sitch even so. Not about myself. But about the sitch.

Journal

whats inside my head----

fears:

-H is too far gone with OW for there to be any R. How to conquer fear? Its out of my hands. The whole sitch is out of my hands. The only thing in my hands is me and what I can control.

-I was jealous yesterday. He went out on the MLC boat with his friends (guys and girls so I assume she was there too) for a BBQ and a bit of a party. I was jealous because I would have enjoyed doing that. With my H. As his partner. I was jealous because it sounded fun. Solution? I had plans of my own anyway with my friends. I had fun. And even though it hurt to know what H was doing, there was nothing I could do about it. I have to love him from afar. And that is the only way I can love him now. If I had said ANYTHING, it would have pushed him away further.

-Hurt. H introduced OW to some of his cousins in the UK this summer. The cousins talk about her like she is his W. I have been pushed aside. Not asked about even. Not acknowledged. The hurt is also the reminder that I am not acknowledged because of the spew H must have told them about how horrible I am and how unhappy he was with me. And that now he is happy. So they are happy for him. That hurts. Solution. Process it and move on. They don't know me that well anyway. p.s. H was on the phone with one of those cousins today and I overheard him giving her D advice for her sister! He was the one being consulted about it! And he was going on about what a lower the guy was for leaving her sister!

-Fear. H is playing me. Sometimes I think that H is not affected by my new self. That whatever I do won't matter anymore to him. That he is simply putting up with me until I get the D. Humoring me as in 'oh, she is so hurt and devastated I will be the kind understanding one'. Solution? To stop mind reading and to stop my thoughts. Thought stopping as well as keeping my focus forward.

MLC- I observe. I watch. I hold back. Its easier in hindsight to see this happening. I can identify so many of the characteristics, signs attitudes and words that he spewed on my two years ago until this May when I went NC. Today he mentioned that he hasn't travelled anywhere in a while...He just got back three weeks ago from being away for 5 weeks! Restless? Yesterday I was at a party at my good friends' house where all of our good friends were as well. All of our M friends. H wasn't invited, was asked about, wasn't mentioned. He was on his MLC boat with a bunch of single people in their twenties and early thirties. His 'new' friends'.

Just some thoughts in Busting's head. Who know? Maybe tho is his path to happiness. Maybe OW is the one for him. Maybe I came into his life to bring him to this place. Maybe....actually maybe I am about to get pitiful, so I will stop that right now.

Love you all ((((((( )))))))

[Portia]

Busting,

I don't post very often (I am in the MLC section) but so much of what you have written in your last posts have resonated with me.

Your fears are mine - now that there is an OW, despite all the advice to not give her head space, I cannot help but feel that with her present, reconciliation is impossible. It is strange how I imagine their relationship as ending happily ever after but cannot manage to truly believe that there is hope for SO and I. And the more she get integrated into his life, the more I feel "us" slipping away. It sooo hurts when I hear that she is starting to meet friends and family. Feels more permanent somehow, doesn't it?

I agree with Tori - I think many of us feel like we were thrown into a pool of ice water when we realized that we played some role which brought us here. I don't accept the full blame for this nonsense, but I do know that I could have been better - much better. I think we'll not make the same mistakes again.

Of course, my MLCer thinks we're buddies now, so my sitch is a little different now but I can remember clearly the feeling of the invisible wall between us. Where once love radiated, there was nothing. Like sitting next to a stranger on the bus.

I have not read all of your thread, but you seem like a remarkable, strong and aware person. Your H should consider himself lucky to have you.

[needgrace]

((((((((((((((busting)))))))))
these moments are tough... when we face how comfortable everyone else seems to be with the OW and D, and the moments we wish we were the one there with them..

i try to tell myself that W is not the person i knew, not right now when she is in the throes of MLC, and that, in order for us to ever have a healthy R, she is the only one who can find her way out of the tunnel.. i am guessing it is the same for your H with the travels and the new friends.. he is in the tunnel...

and they stay as emotionally far away as possible bc they do not want to be wrong... they do not want those good memories to seep back in and make them doubt their path.. they want CHANGE, and are fighting to convince themselves that the change they need is outside themselves (OW, travel, new friends) instead of where it truly is.. from within. the within part scares them (both of our spouses have untouched hurts that they run from)

the further he runs into the tunnel with OW, his new life.. the more he has an opportunity to see that the darkness remains. will they ever face themselves? that is the uncertainty we face...

yes, this still hurts and the uncertainty is scary.. but you are doing the best things possible.. friends, activities, self reflection, growth.. for me, i try to look at it as doing the best things for my growth so that no matter what, i will be okay and healthy enough for whatever comes my way..

i was driving home the other day and saw a high school student who was blind.. and i thought that all of life is uncertain... and i admired his strength to go to a huge public school and put one foot in front of the other... for a moment, it put my sitch in perspective for me... and i am working on learning to be content with what is... that perhaps happiness is not the goal bc that can be elusive and transitory but the ability to be content no matter what... now that would be incredible..

[tori2012]

((((((((((((((busting)))))))))


i was driving home the other day and saw a high school student who was blind.. and i thought that all of life is uncertain... and i admired his strength to go to a huge public school and put one foot in front of the other... for a moment, it put my sitch in perspective for me... and i am working on learning to be content with what is... that perhaps happiness is not the goal bc that can be elusive and transitory but the ability to be content no matter what... now that would be incredible..

Good story, Grace. I do feel that I get a different perspective when I step out of myself and my own problems, and become aware of how tough a lot of people have it.

That said, what we are all going through is really hard. Busting, I'm sending you my best. You're still deciding to wait and be patient, so I give you a lot of credit. Your H is fortunate to have your love, and I hope he realizes that sometime soon.

[bustingout]

Feels more permanent somehow, doesn't it?

Portia,

Thank you for coming by. I really appreciate that. I agree it does seem more permanent, more real. However, there is also our FEAR which makes us think that too. I try to remember that and bring my focus back to the here and now. Of course that does not always work.....

but I do know that I could have been better - much better. I think we'll not make the same mistakes again.


Absolutely. I agree with you completely on this. Some say too little too late. However, lets say, better late than never. We do the best we can with what we know at the time. And once we know better, we can do better.

I have not read all of your thread, but you seem like a remarkable, strong and aware person. Your H should consider himself lucky to have you.

Thank you Portia for those very kind words. I am still not there yet completely. Its a continuous process. We always have to move forward.

Again, I appreciate you coming by. I have not yet seen your thread but I will go look for it. I hope you are doing well ((((( )))))

[StubbornDyke]

It's amazing how much personal growth is happening on that blanket. Astounding, really, considering all the drinking...

[bustingout]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((NG))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Yes, they both have untouched hurts from the past that they run from. I agree.

We need to keep moving forward. I find that this is easier to do as time goes by. sometimes I need to sit back and take stock of where I am now compared to where I was a year ago...two years ago. Personally I was a mess. I was destroying myself.

Am I out of the woods yet? No. But I am on the path towards the lightness. Moving forward. Before I was scampering in a very dark circle. A circle of pain and darkness and self-punishment. I think we can relate.

i was driving home the other day and saw a high school student who was blind.. and i thought that all of life is uncertain... and i admired his strength to go to a huge public school and put one foot in front of the other... for a moment, it put my sitch in perspective for me... and i am working on learning to be content with what is... that perhaps happiness is not the goal bc that can be elusive and transitory but the ability to be content no matter what... now that would be incredible..

This is incredible. And so humbling. Its one step in front of the other. Thats all we can do.

I love the concept of being CONTENT no matter what. We can do it. I love you NG.

[bustingout]

Thank you Tori for you for sending me your best (((( )))) . That means a lot to me.

This is an amazing place. I want to save my M and my family. But I think what we realize on this journey is that we need to save ourselves first. If we can do that, then we can face anything else that comes our way.

Thank you Tori again. You are very kind. ((( )))

[bustingout]

It's amazing how much personal growth is happening on that blanket. Astounding, really, considering all the drinking...


lol SD.

Thank you SD. How are you?

...another shot? :-)