What I discovered, looking back, is that I did not always do this:
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I placed too much of a burden on HER for MY happiness...ie, if she was unhappy, so was I. If she was unavailable for whatever reason, I "suffered". When she was depressed and not available, I was hurt and such, and she felt horrible that I was, adding to her depression
I did not do this for many, many years of our R. I think it started around 2006 or so. I think it started when I was going through my own mid-life transition (I job I hated with Fortune 50 company, money issues, W's ongoing depression, etc). I believe that is when my "state" became enmeshed with hers, looking to her for validation that I was successful (if she was happy), thus, if she was unhappy, I was NOT successful. Through this site and the challenging questions and concepts put forth by the posters, especially the vets, this "attachment" was shown to be false.
You know the old slogan "Question Authority"? Well, I got on the "Question Everything, especially about myself" kick, like when I was young and in college...had a great professor (who was an excellent teacher as well) who would drop statements and let us digest, question, get emotional over, and slowly dissect whether the were rooted in reality, or pre-programming or just an assumption or, whatever. I found it freeing, and fun, though sometimes painful, examining everything about me and my life, W and hers, and so forth.
So in that spirit, take what works for you...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
