Bug- I can control me and that's it. I can't even control my children and their feelings. I will do what I can to make their lives easier if that has a positive effect for H then so be it. If not, then so be it. I can't control that.
I can control how much I contact him and what I say. I can control how I act. Otherwise, it's all on him. Likely they would have more positive feelings in general if he made more effort. Again, I cannot control that. I have still tried to ask him when he would like to visit and that sort of thing. I'm simply not going to anymore.
If he wants to do that and he wants control then the ball is in his court.
I am not going to just poof and give him a quickie divorce because it makes their life easier. I also wonder how much of that he wants because of pressure from her but again- not my issue.
I am in a much better frame of mind than I was. I also control how I will react to the world and those around me. I can choose positively or negatively and it is up to me every single day! I also control what I put in my body (I *might* have eaten a whole box of Chocolate Chip cookies Monday trying to deal with my feelings)
So here I go. Willpower is key. Why is it soooo hard to really and truly detach? I think for myself for some reason I equate it with not caring. Which really isn't what it is. It's more like choosing me over H. Frankly, since our R has always been lopsided and unbalanced I think that is why I have such difficulty with this. It is hard to convince myself that I MATTER.
I am right there with you. We can only control ourselves will be our mantra until we believe and we practice what we preach.... Don't feel too bad. Might have been girl guide cookies for me
Yes, but they don't smell the same. And the fall here isn't like there. It is much shorter here. And frankly, it's just not home. Yes it is very very beautiful here. I am within a few miles of the Red River Gorge.
So H actually called the kids tonight. Glad for that. I didn't speak to him. Our 14th anniversary is tomorrow. Not sure how I feel about that. One of my friends asked me to go with her to see a band tomorrow. I am going to go!
I found it irritating that H told S14 he might come over tomorrow to see them, even though I had asked repeatedly for him to call me a day before. Also H told S he was coming on Sat for the girls birthday. Never said a word to me. Not to sound hateful but why come on our anniversary to see the kids when he is coming the following morning as well. I would think he would want to keep his distance but I guess I shouldn't be a mind reader. My luck he will be bringing D papers. That'd be about right.
So either way, I am going to continue to do what I had already planned. Some people take a little longer to learn than others I guess. He sure doesn't like that boundary. lol It's not at all to punish him but to keep him from getting angry when we already have other plans. We shall see how it goes.
Can you have your friend or someone else there with you before you leave to go hear the band? Or even better, can you leave 5 minutes before he gets there so you don't even have to see him? If he has papers for you, he can just leave them. I suggest at this time, avoid any interaction with him at all. It sounds like you're both so volatile. (())
About your boundary, it's not a boundary and really can't be. It's what you would like but you can't enforce it, there are no consequences. I'm not saying this to beat you up but rather something to think about as you learn to set boundaries.
A boundary must be enforceable: "I feel disrespected when you yell at me. If that continues I will leave the room."
Without court-ordered visitation, there is no consequence to him just showing up to see the kids. It would be dangerous, both legally and physically, to say "Sorry, you can't see them right now."
That's what the courts are for.
So be careful.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
