Moving the blanket away from the castle

[bustingout]

Tori, NG Arsene,

Thank you of your insights and words of support. It is such a range of emotions to process and understand on this trip, isn't it? And we do put a lot of blame on ourselves. I think that is normal, and we do need to own up to our shortcomings and mistakes as spouses and as people in general, in order to grow. Yet, I do find that at times, I feel desperate about the sitch even so. Not about myself. But about the sitch.

Journal

whats inside my head----

fears:

-H is too far gone with OW for there to be any R. How to conquer fear? Its out of my hands. The whole sitch is out of my hands. The only thing in my hands is me and what I can control.

-I was jealous yesterday. He went out on the MLC boat with his friends (guys and girls so I assume she was there too) for a BBQ and a bit of a party. I was jealous because I would have enjoyed doing that. With my H. As his partner. I was jealous because it sounded fun. Solution? I had plans of my own anyway with my friends. I had fun. And even though it hurt to know what H was doing, there was nothing I could do about it. I have to love him from afar. And that is the only way I can love him now. If I had said ANYTHING, it would have pushed him away further.

-Hurt. H introduced OW to some of his cousins in the UK this summer. The cousins talk about her like she is his W. I have been pushed aside. Not asked about even. Not acknowledged. The hurt is also the reminder that I am not acknowledged because of the spew H must have told them about how horrible I am and how unhappy he was with me. And that now he is happy. So they are happy for him. That hurts. Solution. Process it and move on. They don't know me that well anyway. p.s. H was on the phone with one of those cousins today and I overheard him giving her D advice for her sister! He was the one being consulted about it! And he was going on about what a lower the guy was for leaving her sister!

-Fear. H is playing me. Sometimes I think that H is not affected by my new self. That whatever I do won't matter anymore to him. That he is simply putting up with me until I get the D. Humoring me as in 'oh, she is so hurt and devastated I will be the kind understanding one'. Solution? To stop mind reading and to stop my thoughts. Thought stopping as well as keeping my focus forward.

MLC- I observe. I watch. I hold back. Its easier in hindsight to see this happening. I can identify so many of the characteristics, signs attitudes and words that he spewed on my two years ago until this May when I went NC. Today he mentioned that he hasn't travelled anywhere in a while...He just got back three weeks ago from being away for 5 weeks! Restless? Yesterday I was at a party at my good friends' house where all of our good friends were as well. All of our M friends. H wasn't invited, was asked about, wasn't mentioned. He was on his MLC boat with a bunch of single people in their twenties and early thirties. His 'new' friends'.

Just some thoughts in Busting's head. Who know? Maybe tho is his path to happiness. Maybe OW is the one for him. Maybe I came into his life to bring him to this place. Maybe....actually maybe I am about to get pitiful, so I will stop that right now.

Love you all ((((((( )))))))