W filed, I think we can make it work - what to do?

[tpc1977]

Spartan,
Your wife sounds a lot like mine. The blame part that is. From what I can read off my wife's rants - when it happens - is that it's easier to throw the pain they hold on to so much toward someone else. It lessens the burden for a moment. Unfortunately for them, they throw it at people they are close to. And just as bad, that pain never fully gets released. Then they eventually feel bad for what they've done. It's pretty much a viscous cycle of torment.

My wife left me for a man who has everything she was missing in her life when she was with me.

He allows her to be an addict - if she chooses.

He has money. I am broke now that she lost two good jobs and was out of work for years and the bills pilled on us. Now I'm close to losing my home. She is secure. He told her he was going to give her a lot of money for Christmas shopping. My kids are excited!!! YAY!!!!

He's more laid back and let's her do whatever, whenever. I was more on the ball and wanted her to stay motivated. Continue with NA and get back into nursing.

She told me it was everything she's ever wanted in a relationship. "Ever Wanted!"

He does everything for her. I think some of it is because he feels like he has to. Sort of feeds into her so he won't lose her. That's what I did for years when she first had an affair. It got me here - separated. So good luck to him.

The great thing that came out of all this. My relationship with God. And my relationship with my kids. Now the relationship with my mother. All of which became nonexistent while I buried myself into my marriage while she buried herself into a hole and built up walls around me.

In all the years I poured myself into "us" she never broke down and apologized for the mess and her affair(s). I got blamed for everything. Guilt is one of the heaviest yokes to bare. But one of the toughest to let go of.

Last week I made a mistake and mentioned the house situation to my daughter. I have no one to talk to right now and I was just hurt when I got the letter that we may have to forfeit it. My daughter called her mom, then she called me. She laid into me like I was beating our kid. And it was the most perplexing thing. She didn't come at me with reason, but over and over and over and over all she said was, "How could you?!?" I never got a chance to explain or apologize. She just kept saying it. There was this sound in her voice that seemed to me that she was releasing some inner torment. Finally! Mr. Perfect Dad screwed up and I get belt him good for it.

Then I snapped and gave it all back (I was convicted big time later). I told her all the times she messed up from drugs and job loss and financial pain and wallowing in her pity and her affairs. She came at me with my self absorbed uselessness and desires and how I was never there for her and how it put her in another man's arms. So I decided to go for big air and asked her how could she dare be arrested in front of our kids.

And that was that. Game over. Love lost. Everything I worked for, out. The towel was thrown in and the refs started pulling me off of her.