sorry man- i had a bit of an insight yesterday about possibly having "not got" what you were getting at. i was totally off on a wrong tangent.

when i read what you said about your reaction to her feelings, etc.- i see myself too. mind you- part of me wants to say tho- that she chose you. that is what she wanted (at some point) - then it becomes a burden somehow. bad form.

he knew what I wanted from life/r & plunged in anyway- just because he gets to delude himself now and rewrite history- doesn't make it fact.

part of me feels that too. I do understand what you said and agree i can see it that way. I get accepting things for what they are- i think. i still get stuck with the bit of - if you are the person SHE CHOSE, knowing how you felt and how you "were" - what the heck? do they get to have the right to expect you to be someone-something different? is loving the way you did something you now have to change to please them? I'VE GOT THAT WRONG again, don't I??? i know i'm looking at this all from some unproductive angle-

How does one choose a human being to be with -knowing what and who they are- loving that about them - then get tired of it and burdened by the thing they sought and get to say, oh well, i'm done here - this is a bore now?.???

i thought (get the past tense) that love was taking what comes and making yourself adjust - no matter what. thick & thin? just my slant and my m.o. i've gotten used to things i never thought i could - i'm stuck here with the cheating & lying tho- don't think i want to get used to that. time to change the habit of a lifetime and trouble implementing it.

you know: good ole shakespeare - "love is not love which alters when alteration finds". i think i've been living in a stinking cheesy novel or something for the past 61 years. I do agree it's My outlook & me allowing it to do this to me.

i swear - i am trying to fight it best i can. i am not a victim- I am not quite as pholosophically "mature" about it as you. i think i've got some acceptance now- i am not railing with he why & how could he? junk. philosophically i am searching for some answer - i'm not even sure of the question.

maybe something like - do we all deserve to be loved for what and who we are- without having to primp up and try to be something we're not for someone else. (something "better")??? i've always just been me- i've always allowed h to be what he is- (i probably have not fully understood what he is - mores the pity)

I know i must be fighting the death of alot of fond notions i had about love, commitment, people - you name it. this thing is dragging down (trying to) & away allllll my beliefs I held dear- and i don't actually have stuff to replace them with.

you express it well- i can see my changed reactions. i can see i don't get so "wounded" and surprised. nothing seems to surprise me now- i feel a wave of sadness or "defeat" now & then- i feel insulted & want out- i don't do it tho. i am lousy at strategy- i can only manage to think i will endure til i can't any longer & i'll just go away. .

this morning i think maybe i've got the entire "thing" wrong- maybe he's just a man that cheats & lies and I never saw that side of him - (maybe what i loved was my own mental fabrication?) i am rooting around trying to figure out why he is in my life still and why i'm here. intellectually i think it's got to just end and disappear. apparently he's going to make that my job...

i know I am becoming more fortified (daily) emotionally & awaiting the day i wake up and feel no tie to hold me here at all -

thanks for the philosophising- it does help me form new philosophy & of course, i need to - work in progress