This evening H and I sat together over some warm bread I made w/tea and honey. It is one of his favorite simple pleasures, as well as mine on a cold night. We seemed so normal, laughing lightly over who is going to refill the plate, keeping things natural.
I looked at him remembering all the spew - and concluding how the hell is he ever going to come back, want to recommit to this M when he's so adamant about his decisions.
He would actually have to quite his job or stop crying about the distance, before he would ever even quite dropping by ea's house. Things like that, that seem so impossible for him to give up, stop doing, or even start doing like be attentive to me as a wife.
I can't help, maybe it's my own stage I'm going through, but think that this is never going to be enough for me, or even slightly what I want in a R. I won't go back, can't stay here like this, and see no sign of a future that fits my needs.
I feel as if this is one of many phases I have gone through, and will go through, but this one is interesting. These thoughts don't make me sad, the're my conclusions I'm considering, not being pushed to except by H.
Maybe this too will pass and I will come to realize something else. Honestly I have opened my mind to the idea of getting to know new people. I have shed my married eyes (thoughts) for an open mind, open to new idea's.
It's because of what I want in my life for me today, that I think I might welcome a new journey without H. I'm reading about WAS and can see that I may be headed into that mind frame, though I haven't shown anything out right yet!
It's funny because I'm not thinking D at all, but I am thinking new! Now which one of us is more confused?
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
