Just what everyone here's been telling me to do all along...I have told this story dozens of times in the past to encourage people to give God control over an area of their life and He won't let you down...I don't know why I forgot it when I needed it most, but now it's back.
Awesome! Great attitude. I definitely believe in the old saying "God works in mysterious ways", often he gets our attention in ways that we don't expect but then one day the light bulb goes off and we're saying "OH, I see what you were doing there now!"
Thanks ms, I am humbled, for sure. I do not believe I have "arrived", but I know where I need to be, and why, and am finally agreeing to it.
My W was supposed to see MC this morning. She didn't...she had called yesterday to confirm the appt. they said yes, 10 am see you tomorrow. She showed up at 9:45 to be told the counselor was not working today.........
She called me angry and frustrated, and boy was I able to validate THOSE emotions. She said she was "all geared up to do this". It was a deflation for both of us. Rescheduled appt. for 12/6. We both said maybe we should go elsewhere. Looking at other options.
She asked "do you just want to get together Saturday to talk?" I said sure. This will be our first meet in three weeks I think, and SHE suggested it.
Baby baby steps...
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
If W goes to R talk this weekend and goes to counseling options (ours has proven unreliable, see above), one I'm considering is DB coach.
Has anyone here used MWDs coaches for both H and W? together? Separate?
Successful?
Don't worry, NOT considering sending her to this site or DR/DB books.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
often he gets our attention in ways that we don't expect
I'd prefer sky writing.
Are there any opinions out there for DB coach for BOTH of us?
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Met for delicious sushi. We both love trying new foods, both out to eat and cooking together at home.
Afterward drove to nearby waterfront park and talked.
W is very angry. I knew that. She seemed to open up to me, and I validated as much as possible, but really it was so rapid fire...think what matters most, she believes I was listening and understanding.
She is of course angry at me, also expressed anger toward all our family, friends, etc. in that she was unhappy, hurting, in pain and no one at all stepped in to help. She brought up ways she was dropping hints to eveyone about her sitch, which i didnt see how could possibly be construed as clear communication. But I didnt say so. Shut up and validated.
I don't know why, but I think she seems to understand that I understand, or am starting to. Something in her demeanor made me think that.
I think maybe validation/mirroring helped because at one point she repeated to me "you had to know I was hurting." My mental reflex was defense: "I knew things weren't perfect but if I knew how much pain I obviously would have changed". Instead I said "you believe I knew you were heading toward the door because of your pain". She stopped and thought. Then said no.
She asked if I was keeping up w/bills, housework, etc., that she needed to see me doing that. I am thankful that she tells me more than many WAWs here seem to communicate.
She said she read that I am narcissistic and she is codependent. I agreed to first part as I took some quiz recently that said I was. Didnt want to agree she is codependent so just asked about meanings, etc.
She asked about kids, of course. I think my recent dealings with them help illustrate my efforts to change communication styles.
She brought up counseling, that she wants C to help with her anger. Asked if she's angry constantly, she said she gets over it. I told her she probably resents me as well. She said yes, that's the word she was looking for. I wish I could direct her to alturtle article on resentment, but didn't. Maybe soon.
Most of the 2.5 hrs were very pleasant, fun, punctuated by some intense periods.
Main thing she communicated to me was her anger/resentment is what's up w/her and she needs to figure out what to do with it in order to move forward. She's looking fwd to C to help with that.
Emotionally exhausted from guarding every reaction. Cant wait until good communication becomes a habit. Nap time.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Took Ss to dinner and movie for birthdays yesterday. It was hard not having W there on may levels but we had a good time.
W texted me this morning w/small talk.
Part of me sees her as wanting to move forward while not knowing what to do. I dare not give suggestions yet. Her resentment was so obvious at times on Saturday, even I knew to stay back.
I am memorizing steps to deal w/resentment for our next opening for that type of talk. Basically it's validate, validate, validate until she is ready to forgive.
Also considering 5 Apology Languages.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
I'll tell you, DM, your W sounds very much like mine did. Alarmingly so, actually. You're doing the right thing - listen and validate. Don't place yourself in a situation where you feel like you are suddenly defending yourself or, worse yet, escalating.
It was very, very, very hard for me to do this - and it took some time, but I think I am "there" and I think you can get there as well.
It goes against our base instincts to be criticized and not rush to our own defense, but what I learned over the last year is that defense = invalidation. THAT, sadly, just digs you deeper into the mud. I am still working on the finer points, but I think you see the larger picture here.
Lasting change takes time to build, and it will take even more time for your wife to believe. So whatever you do, bring a healthy dose of patience...and when that runs out, go get some more. You're going to need it. My now XW tells me a lot that she sees change...positive change in me, but does really "know" or trust it yet - and her fear of getting back into a relationship with me that would look like the one she was in is tremendous. Let me say that again for the sake of emphasis -
HER FEAR OF GETTING BACK INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME THAT LOOKS LIKE OUR OLD ONE IS TREMENDOUS.
THAT ^^^^^ is something I think your w is passively trying to tell you. Ergo, you should really listen and be senstive to it. Don't try to sell yourself to her - just continue to work on change and hope that she believes over time. And time is what it will take DM. If my W would have come back quickly my changes would not have lasted. I know you want her back ASAP, but focus on the big picture - and that is chagning you.
