New to DB and Clearly Oblivious to My "Horrible" M

[adinva]

Hi Nickb, I read your thread and it sounds like you're doing great at taking in advice and implementing it. You're validating like crazy, and not getting too excited about her spew, those are good things. I was struck by a comment that she seemed to be finding you lacking in emotional response, and I wonder if that might be part of the distance that grew between you. If so, it may be important for you to start feeling your feelings more visibly instead of validating hers all the time. It's against db, where you're supposed to always seem positive and happy. But if part of the problem was that you were not emotionally connecting to her, I can see where continuing to be that way might not be the best thing to do.

I've been working hard in my sitch at identifying my feelings and the intensity of them, and learning how to express them in a constructive way. I could be projecting my own stuff onto your sitch, and if it doesn't ring true that's fine. But if it rings true, this might be an opportunity to learn to share emotions more fully and openly than before.

Another thing I can project from my sitch is how demoralizing it is to not be very good at your primary role. My H was blissfully happy when I went away for a week for work - he never missed me, the kids made it to school on time, the house was neater than when I left it, and he was gleeful if you can be gleeful in a negative malicious way about it. It really got me down. I was thinking of that a little bit when I read that you did all the night feedings and you're the one they come to at night, etc. She may be experiencing PPD and feeling less capable, and it's a downer to find out that's ok because your H is so much more capable than you that he's got it all covered.

I think it's very hard for you to be in this situation and not be able to get from her exactly what it is you did wrong (if anything) and what you can do to fix it (if anything). The takeaway I've gotten from divorcebusting is to forget the spouse, and do your own digging. Figure out what you can do better to be a half of an intimate relationship, and get to work.

Even if it's not the things she was mad about, it gives you something to do.