The crack in my separated life...

[Sweetbriar]

It does help to know that she isnt a great gal, this OW he is with, but really, everyone can tell me how awful she is and it wont matter because HE LOVES HER:( He doesnt think these things and he is so blind that he believes she is this great thing he has.

I had a sad day today. I guess that is to be expected during all this. I have been doing really good emotionally but for some reason today I just dont feel right:( I thought a lot about H today for some reason and I dont know why I allow myself to do this. I thought of a lot of the mean things he has said to me and was thinking that it s_cks that he doesnt love me anymore. How he had changed so much. Last night when he picked up the kids he knocked on the door and then went to sit in his car to wait. Now, this was better and I was upstairs, not at all wanting to see him, but he used to at least come in the front door and get them.

Some days I just want to throw a tantrum myself because of all the things that Im going through and trying to handle well. Today was one of those days. I just feel confused how a man who loved me and his family can just up and leave one day and NOT LOOK BACK! I know this is his problem and a I know that this is how it works with a WAS or MLC but its still confusing.

I have been switching my new phone contacts over and stuff from my old phone and I made the mistake of going through some old texts from him. Back in the end of July and beginning of Aug he was still writing how he loved me and then at the end of Oct he was writing that he fell out of love with me a long time ago and was just too cowardly to leave. These things hurt the most when I start to think that maybe he didnt love me and that he was living a lie.

H did admit to kids at dinner last night that he didnt know why he sent them the picture of the celebration at his moms and that he was just sad they werent there. I hope he saw his brother with his wife and kids and remembered the family he has left behind. How can he not be at a family function and not feel sad that we are not there anymore? Does this man have any feelings left? He said he didnt mean to upset them. He also told them that "your mom" gets all my money now. Does he really not think of what I use that money for??? Our kids and to live....its not like Im out spending any on myself:(

He did try calling the home phone yesterday before he came to get kids and I didnt answer...and now he has no way to text me. I guess it will just be harder to get a hold of me now if he needs to...his problem.

I want to have a nice holiday season this year and Im scared that I wont because of all of this. Some days Im super great and just think that this is his mess and Im moving on and then other days, I fall apart...I saw how upset my kids got over the little celebration they missed out on with their dad...I can only imagine how they will feel for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I wonder sometimes if he even feels anything anymore? He seems so numb and withdrawn...its really kinda scary.