What I was meaning is that she was acting differently with me and actually saying positive things about me to my friend. Seems like baby steps in the right direction.
Oh, yeah those do sound like decent baby steps. Espcially the part about her not trash-talking you to the friend. Just celebrate them internally and keep on with the DB'ing. If you're pulling back then she may be pursuing now, you have to be careful not to react too strongly or she will go back to distancing.
Thanks, that's good to know. I was blown away when my friend told me she was speaking well of me. And GF was the one who asked me to drive her around and I ended up spending the rest of the day with her, I couldn't pass it up. I didn't press things, just stayed relaxed around her. Same thing this morning, complimented her and flirted with her a little but didn't go overboard and stayed away from pressing for an answer on commitment.
So for now I'm all estatic inside and just focusing on the 180's of being upbeat, relaxed, and no-pressure around her.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
I'm not sure how to take this, if anybody has insight it will be appreciated.
She's driving me to work and we have to stop at the bank first. On the way to the bank I bring up going Christmas shopping for the kids, it's not something she asked for, something I decided to offer b/c I'm doing my 180's. Her response is that she was going to do layaway at KMart. I don't say anything and then she says that I need to get a tree. I say that we have hers in the basement and she says half the lights don't work. I say that we also have to figure out where to put it. She says that's up to me b/c it's my house...I just let that little dig slide.
When I come out of the bank I say to her that I have an idea and that we can get rid of my dining table and get hers (there will be more room b/c her table is smaller and it's just a way for me to show her I want her around since she's talking about me needing a tree and earlier she made a comment about the dog not being happy when the baby gets older and doesn't drop food; so she is talking about the future around me). This was an issue when she first moved in b/c she wanted her table and I didn't just want to get rid of mine; turned into another sore spot for her where she felt I didn't want "her" in my house. So I make this suggesstion and she immediately says no. From the tone of her voice I ask if something is wrong and she says no so I ask if there's a reason she doesn't want to...she just glares at me for a second and goes back to driving.
I shut my mouth and just look out the windows. I don't show any annoyance or anything, I just stay calm. Finally she asks me what I want her to say when I say stuff like that. I tell her it's alright, doesn't matter. She says no, that she's asking a serious question.
I tell her that I don't know, whatever she is feeling. She says that she fought for this in the beginning, fought for what I want to do now. I say that I'm not going to let it stress me, all I can do is make suggesstions and see what happens.
She starts in on why couldn't I have been this way from the beginning, the whole time? It's just now that YOU'RE AT RISK OF LOSING ME. I say nothing, there's no good response for any of this...
I don't speak again until I tell her if she stops for gas I'll pump it (she gets sick from the smell) and then after that when we get to the store I tell her to have a nice day and she says "you too". I stayed calm, cool, and collected the whole time. No attitude, anger, resentment, or arguing.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
"I say nothing, there's no good response for any of this..."
Actually there is. IMHO you should have said... "First of all, I didn't think there was a risk of losing you. It's your choice to leave and I have no control over your decisions. Second, the past issues were brought up because we lacked communication. Just because you say something doesn't mean I interpret it in the same way that you mean. That's why I suggested going to counseling but you refused. Going to counseling is the right way of handling this so we can communicate effectively. However if you don't want to go, we repeat the same pattern. But that, again, is your choice." or something like that.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
On the way to the bank I bring up going Christmas shopping for the kids
You've really got to focus on your DB'ing and stop talking to her like you're a couple. Here are some reminders from the DB tips:
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
You keep engaging in all these talks that imply you're still a couple, but you've to quit thinking in those terms. You may be under the same roof, but recent events have driven you really far apart and you're no longer a couple. If you want to get that back then you've got to follow DB'ing principals, especially the above tips. Show only happiness and contentment. Don't talk about the future. Don't talk about the R. Act as if you're moving on with or without her. You're breaking all these rules. You don't seem to realize you're being needy, clingy and you are applying all kinds of pressure to her. None of that is attractive.
I brought up the shopping as a 180. Biggest complaints had been how selfish I am and how important the kids are.
But it didn't go well, did it? A 180 doesn't just mean doing the opposite of EVERYTHING you were doing before. You've got to frame it against DB'ing and make sure it's consistent with DB'ing.
Quote:
My friend told me today that GF confided in her that she's not moving out and is staying with me to work on things.
Has she told you this? If not, why not? Shouldn't you be the FIRST person she should discuss this with?
Maybe I just don't get it, maybe DB just doesn't work unless there really is a marriage at stake.
When I'm acting like the guy she always wanted she gets irritated and if I pull back I'm an a-hole. The car hasn't been an issue, guess I finally was firm enough about it without being an a-hole and we have been working together when it comes to the car.
I agree, I would think she would tell me but she hasn't and I figure if I ask it's just more of the same and more pressure. Sun-Wed was good and Wed we were both very flirty with each other. Come Thur things started going downhill a bit again and Fri morning I pulled a bit more of the same behavior and got more of the "I don't know" attitude. Last night and this morning I just wasn't in the best of moods and let it out on her a bit but at least after I did it this morning I apologized and things went back to at the very least being civil.
It's a really sucky roller coaster ride.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
Things got heated again over the weekend b/c of bad communication between the two of us. Here's the summary:
From Sat night into Sun morning we were arguing and it was all more of the same behavior from both of us. My frustration stems from no committment from her which makes me feel like she is just using me - her frustration comes from me "pushing" her.
Sun was up and down starting with arguing, having a nice afternoon, more arguing, and then a good night. What we discovered is that our mutual friend is really hurting things b/c we both talk to her and then get hurt when she reveals info to the other; the message gets messed up so we agreed not to talk to her about this stuff anymore.
I'm not going to say that we had some calm, cool discussion but we got some stuff out in the open. She was open with me that she's watching me b/c there's times that I'm the guy she wants to be with and there's times I'm the guy she doesn't want to be with. She needs to see that consistency from me and she was very forthright that she is having medical problems. I told her that we need to get her to a doctor and I'll pay for it if need be but she didn't say anything to that, so I will bring it up again soon.
She listened to me that some committment will give me some direction and what I'm looking for to see that she's working on things with me. I told her spending time with me, going on dates, and working on physical intimacy is what I need and she's being receptive. I have to now be mindful of what she needs and work on that.
I know it's not really what DB says to do, that having that kind of talk and expressing what I need doesn't fit DB but I'm at my breaking point where I'm ready to leave if I don't see some changes.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
