She sees me as being happy and living life and acting like what is happening between us doesn't matter. To her this is pretending and she doesn't want to pretend.
First, great job on the DB'ing because she is telling you that she has noticed your PMA!! That's awesome news! Her negative reaction to it is completely normal, so don't be concerned. It is going to take months before she accepts that this is real and you're not just "pretending" in an effort to get her back. Just keep up the DB'ing and give her time to accept it. She may also be angry because you didn't do this before, it's common for a WAS to ask why you waited until it was "too late" to make these changes. Just keep responding like you did- validate but don't reason/ argue/ explain/ etc.
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W also mentioned that she is disappointed that I have not been doing little things for her like bringing her coffee in the morning, or showing that I am thinking of her in any way. I validated her feelings, but internally and puzzled because I dont want to show signs of pursuit.
If she is asking for it then do it. Yes it could be pursuit, but in your case she is specifically requesting it. So do it and monitor the results. If it drives her farther away you can always stop later. Sorry if this has been discussed already, but have you read 5LL? It sounds to me like she's telling you to show her love through her PLL. Take advantage of it!
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- I have wasted 6.5 years of my life in this M and am tired of trying. (note, several weeks ago this quote used to reference 2 years, then it changed to 5 years, then to 6 and now to 6.5. It is progressing in the wrong direction -- or what I would consider the wrong direction anyway)
Right out of the WAS handbook.
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- You are making the decision to divorce easier by not moving down to the basement.
Chapter 17 of the WAS handbook- "how to guilt your spouse into doing the things you don't have the balls to do yourself".
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- I can see you are going to make this D hard on us. (note, we went several weeks without the mention of D and I heard this 4 times in the span of this one conversation).
That's because it's her heaviest hammer, and since your DB'ing is resulting in a happy, content you when she was expecting a rude, raging you she's trying to hit you with it harder now. The more you continue with the PMA the more confused and angry she will get, but stick with it and eventually she'll realize that the "you" she believes made her life miserable doesn't really exist, or not anymore.
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When I listen and try to validate the anger and disappointment at this point, she sees it as condescending and tells me to stop all the "psychiatric BS." I need to find a new way to validate or new words to use.
No you don't! It's working! If it wasn't working then the two of you would have been screaming at each other which is EXACTLY what she wants right now, because she wants you to give her reasons to hate you. Just be patient and keep at it!
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I will note that in our many years together I cannot think of a time where my W resorted to name calling of any kind. I was caught off guard. Not because it hurt because this is one comment I didnt take personally and know she is angry, but strange the end felt like a 2 minute fight between teenagers.
Again, she WANTS you to get angry and fight with her. Because that's a person she can easily leave. But a kind, warm person is not so easily left. It confuses the heck out of her, it throws a wrench into her plans.
