The pain is just so intense. Im trying so hard to GAL but everything is just such a huge effort lately.
So sorry you're in so much pain I was there too, I could not believe how painful it was. It can't really even be described to someone that hasn't been through it, like the very core of your being has been shredded. I also remember nothing anyone told me helped, a lot of people said "it will get better" and it DID get better, but that was no consolation to me at the time. All I can tell you is don't fight the pain and grief, just let it happen and deal with it as best you can. It'll be over quicker if you don't try to fight it. And as miserable as I was, I feel great now only a few months later! I really thought my life was over, and in a way my old life is over. But there's much more to be lived yet, and it's going to be even better!
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My head tells me to run for the hills but my heart just can not let go. I don't want to be with anybody else. I want my H back, he is the one I love.
And you may very well end up back together, don't forget that DB often does restore marriages! It's not going to happen quickly, but there's hope for as long as you choose it.
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To be honest, I looked at a few dating sites but I just can not do it.
It's too soon for that. You're barely 2 months since BD, I'm over 5 months and it's still too soon for me. It takes a while to get there. Just deal with your grief first, that can come later.
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H still has my heart and I want it back. I don't want to let him use it as a trampoline anymore.
This too comes with time. As you emerge from the grief you'll start working more on your GAL and PMA and you'll get your heart back under your control.
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He always tells me if I need anything for the kids to ask. Every time I do, he tells me he hasent got the money that week because of X,Y. Or Z. Yet he has money to buy the kids things or tell me he brought new clothes etc. That really hurts.
Well that's got to stop, have you talked to an L? Your H needs to be paying his fair share to help out.
Just be patient, let the grief happen, and come here to talk about it! Good luck!
I was there too, I could not believe how painful it was. It can't really even be described to someone that hasn't been through it, like the very core of your being has been shredded. I also remember nothing anyone told me helped, a lot of people said "it will get better" and it DID get better, but that was no consolation to me at the time. All I can tell you is don't fight the pain and grief, just let it happen and deal with it as best you can. It'll be over quicker if you don't try to fight it. And as miserable as I was, I feel great now only a few months later! I really thought my life was over, and in a way my old life is over. But there's much more to be lived yet, and it's going to be even better!
