SunnyBurst- I have been with my H since I was 21yrs old (that's 24yrs) and probably only secure in the knowledge that I loved him and felt at home with him. Over the yrs, with babies and mortgages love grows up, becomes more mature in it's needs, and expectations, but hopefully you never loose that initial raw simple feeling that started the seed to grow. I understand that we all should probably be a little more secure for ourselves but even those of us who are strong in character need that seed planted in us that the love of another offers. I'm not saying I'm a mess, but I do miss how H made me feel that for "him", I was a light in his heart.
Every way you describe your W is how my H is acting and I myself have had to recoil from his manic way. "OPPOSITE of what they used to be." Yes, that's the rub!
I do not have intensions of going anywhere, but I am going to read up on someone's suggestion that I may becoming a WAS. Tired of being a LBS I may be moving forward. I take it a WAS can be figurative for me as well as H, as he hasn't left home.
I have been nothing but kind, understanding and validating toward my H, to help facilitate a positive outcome from all of this for everyone, whatever that may be, because ILH.
I have to learn to be many things for myself now, it's been a flood of emotions for me over the last 1 1/2 yrs. I welcome your thoughts and prays for the strength to continue forward!
Hey, Nero darling! I hope your enjoying these posts. I know your learning everyday as well as I am to be happy without the H's we had, and how to be with the H's left behind. Hope and prayer!
That sounds awesome - we gotta be WARRIORS like T2 says !!
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
No one will ever be responsible for fulfilling those needs in me again...they can certainly add to them, enhance them, challenge them, etc.
Great look on life ahead, we all need to learn this!
We are all a little older and a little wiser, so yes the way we approach love, commitment again, w/spouse or someone new will be a more mature, careful, (for lack of better word) adult (at least for me) way of making new choices. Plus, I believe we do carry that "I've been hurt factor" again, IMHO!
But, I wonder, at least for myself, if this sitch never happened would I be learning how to become so emotionally independent or content being in the security of a good marriage.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
But, I wonder, at least for myself, if this sitch never happened would I be learning how to become so emotionally independent or content being in the security of a good marriage.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
thanks for the link for the stages. i've heard people refer a millions times to the 'stage" - but didn't know where they'rew getting their info.
i doneed some objective view- iusually try and avoid rules & lables. (ironic huh? since i am the "lable queen" and feel alot happier whn i can put labls on things i can understnd.
what a giant flurry of input about this "making self happy" thing.
i totally "get" that we are responsible to some extent for our own feelings- & happiness, sense of well-being, etc. I've used that technique a million times on myself- if i'm part of the problem- i can be part of the cure. BUTTT.....
i do not think we can discount the ability a loved one, or someone has to cause feelings in us. it's just a giant power people have over each other (and misuse) alot in life. all kinds of people - it's there- we feel it- it "makes" us feel the desired emotion. someone insults you - you feel embarassed- on and on...
UNFORTUNATALY- IF SOMEONE sticks you with a pin - you bleed. it's nothing to do with your feelings about it- your responsibility, your own part in it- it's just a physical reaction & fact. the blood pops out- it's how we're made.
also- unfortunately- if you love someone- they have the enhanced ability to hurt you- period. It may be our responsibility to pick ourselves up and carry on- protect our heart with this wisdom and never allow it to happen again(?) - have seen it coming - etc. - but it exists. ("the enemy?") in life??
we are absolutely affected by those we love- they can wreak havoc with our emotions and heart - as in "HEART". NOt- our actual physical heart- and no it's not their actual ability to physically "make" us (force us) feel something - or do something. NEVERTHELESS - you see where i'm going. they can and do influence us emotionally with a kind or ratty word or action.
i'm not sayin BLAME - it's probably counterproductive. (even when you've got a good case for it - say, someone shoots you) emotionally tho - -how very easy life would be for everyone if we were all off the hook for the pain our actions cause. tra la - NO RESPONSIBILITY AT ALL FOR WHAT WE DO TO OTHERS. easy street. it's not like that with people- we're human- i'm thinking we owe it to everyone to treat them as we'd like to be treated.
i don't think most people think like that- they bash thru life leaving a wake of bodies- they can do harm & inflict pain & do (alot) - they should realize it and act accordingly- it's soooo much easier to just worry about number 1. (i've got some attitude here- didja notice - about people TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for what they do to others???).
i'm not sayin my H was RESPONSIBLE for my happiness- he surely contributed by producing feelings in me i loved to feel. he did it on purpose - he chose to please me- woo me - i loved him for that - maybe he bestowed that... (his intention- make me feellove for him)
he likewise made choices and did things that produced the opposite. I don 't like him too darn much at all for that. he chose to lie & lie - . the truth would have produced pain - he knew it, maybe - BUT he chose to lie (for whatever reason). if i had the courage to ask for the truth - he didn't have the courage to give it. He could tell himself he's absolved of aLLLLL RESPNOSIBILITY because we make our own happiness. it's just a bunch of hoohey - he did something to create the pain - knowingly - & i felt it. i can't think how to dress it up as something else.-
i'd say being human makes us able to be "touched" by people - the good news & the bad news.
so- it's my responsibility now to "save" myself from it and him- to yank myself up by my bootstraps and not let the pain take me under- BUT, honestly, I've alwasy been a happy girl- yet knowledge of his treachery plunged me immediately into such a stinking funk it's been 1.5 yr coming out of it (somewhat) - if that's not cause & effect- i don't know what is. he dealt it- i felt it- i canlet that crap go as human nature- but it is what it is
i hope that made sense- i'm losing my way here- it's magical the power we have over those we love- and who love us. we need to all use it wisely- (for good.) - God i sound like ajerk - oh well huh?
all of us every day can give happiness or give pain- & make someone else feel it - it's daunting & scary... how tough or vulnerable we all can be & are. (take away air for five minutes or so and we're all dead- if that's not fragile, (yeah- even men) i don't know.
we can conquer it- & use it wisely- but we can't deny it (i don't think)
