Put your hands up; it's a wild ride

[someguy1233]

I didn't ask her to skip the happy hour. She made the decision on her own. If she had asked, I would have watched S.

Ok then the next time something like this comes up why don't you try being clear with her. Take the lead and offer to watch your S but monitor what she does i.e. don't let her take advantage of the situation. IMHO if she had gone to happy hour even though you were tired and need sleep the next time a happy hour comes and you need sleep she should stay home. There should be some type of balance there. Come up some type of compromise.

I did that on Monday night. She asked if it would be ok if she went to a happy hour. I said yes and watched S. She said she'd come home and make a late dinner for her and I. Except she didn't come home until 10PM and never called.

After that experience just two days ago, I felt no reason to offer to allow her to go out again when I'm exhausted from working late. Especially when it's a happy hour for the possible OM. At that point I just felt like I'd be enabling her to walk all over me.

I think you're right. She doesn't respect me when I'm sick/tired/etc. She thinks I'm a baby at those times. She feels like she has to pickup all the slack in those instances. Over the years I've tried to explain multiple times that I'll do all that I can, and whatever doesn't get done is fine... I'll take care of stuff when I'm feeling better. She doesn't agree and feels I should just power through.

Isn't that what marriage is all about? Sickness and in health etc. When your W is sick does she power through and get things done? I have to say that your W and my W sound exactly the same when it comes to getting things done and I think it's an issue they may need to talk to someone about but I bet that your W like mine is to stubborn to talk to someone. I know when my W gets sick I pick up the slack without complaining.

W powers through when she's sick. Whenever she's sick I try to get her to rest and tell her I'll take care of things. She's mentioned seeing an IC a few weeks back, but I haven't seen or heard or take any action on it.

[leopoldstotch]

I did that on Monday night. She asked if it would be ok if she went to a happy hour. I said yes and watched S. She said she'd come home and make a late dinner for her and I. Except she didn't come home until 10PM and never called.

After that experience just two days ago, I felt no reason to offer to allow her to go out again when I'm exhausted from working late. Especially when it's a happy hour for the possible OM. At that point I just felt like I'd be enabling her to walk all over me.

Ok then you did the right thing IMHO. Look at it this way as well. You really can't physically stop her from going to happy hour so maybe you could have thanked her for not going even though she was mad. She did stay home. I can recall when my W was doing the happy hour thing that there was nothing I could do to stop her from going. She went irregardless of me.

W powers through when she's sick. Whenever she's sick I try to get her to rest and tell her I'll take care of things. She's mentioned seeing an IC a few weeks back, but I haven't seen or heard or take any action on it.

Then that is an issue only she can work on. Everyone is different when they are sick. She has to want to go and saying she is going and really going are two different things. Who bought up her going to see an IC? No matter who did bring it up don't push the issue which I don't think you are doing.

[someguy1233]

So W has been casually emailing with me again today. She took the day off since she didn’t get any sleep with S being restless last night.

Her last email included, “I miss you <sad face>.” I haven’t responded yet as I’ve been super busy at work.

She called my desk a bit later. My phone has a broken screen so I can’t always see the number clearly. So I always answer the phone professionally, even if I think I know what the number is.

So I cheerfully answered, “<company name>, this is <my name>.”
She said, “What, don’t you recognize my number?”
I jokingly said, “Who is this… is this Suzie?” (we don’t even know a Suzie. I was just trying to be funny)
W started talking in a silly higher-pitched voice, “Yeah! This is Suzie.”
I said, “Hey girrrrl. How you doin? Haven’t seen you in a while.”
W laughed and said, “It would be a Suzie. Some frickin cheerleader girl with b-cups!”… I almost picked up on some jealousy in her comments. It was a funny light conversation.

It turns out the point of her call was regarding her job search. She said that she talked with my sister about serving part-time at the restaurant she works at. She also spoke with some friends about watching their kids a couple days a week. She’s again looking at ways to quit her job and stay home with S.

I told her those two things combined sound like a great plan and that it sounds like she’s had a busy day.

She ended the call with, “Well…. I just wanted to call and make sure it was ok that I was talking to them about this stuff.”
I said, “Sure, why wouldn’t that be ok?”
She said, “Well.. I just wasn’t sure how things are going with ‘Suzie’ and stuff… I just wanted to make sure.”

I may be mindreading… but it seems like she was checking in to see if I was still interested in trying to make this work, or if I’ve checked out. In order for her to work only part time jobs, we would HAVE to try on our relationship. She couldn’t afford it otherwise.

[leopoldstotch]

Bravo SG you handled that convo perfectly. May be a bit of mind reading but I think she was doing a temperature check. Good job bud! Wish I could have a convo like that with my W just getting her to utter two words is like pulling teeth.

[someguy1233]

Sigh… I had high hopes for last night. It just didn’t pan out the way I hoped.

Yesterday afternoon I responded to W’s email that ended with “I miss you <sad face>.” I replied back, “I miss you too. It feels like we haven't seen each other in quite some time!” She brought the conversation back towards our S.

When I got home from work she had dinner on the table. She was wearing her rings!

After dinner we played with S. As we sat on the couch she intentionally put her feet up on me and left them there. This was a definite change in behavior!

After S went to bed we talked about her options for new work. We talked about her working full time vs. part time and staying home with S. There were some long pauses in the conversation… It really felt like she was holding something back. At one point she said, “Earlier in the day I felt like I had it all figured out. Now I’m not sure. I might be making my world smaller. That’s not what I need.”

I think she's concerned about feeling trapped if she stays home with S. A part of me also felt like the “I’m not sure” portion had to do with our relationship… We didn’t talk about our relationship specifically at all.

I told her I support whatever she decided to do for a job. She mentioned that if she stays home with S that she could always change her mind and go back to work. I told her that’s always an option and that I wouldn’t think any less of her if she decided she needed to work full time.

She didn’t touch me AT ALL when we went to bed last night. I was at least getting snuggles from her at bed time in recent weeks…

This morning she was still wearing her rings. She took them off before leaving for work. I really had hopes that maybe she was coming around… am I being too hard on myself? Should I see this as some sort of progress?

[labug]

Deciding between SAHM, PT work, FT work is a huge decision for most women. Give her the time, space and support to do that. It seems you have the financial means to make it work whatever she chooses.

If she needs to contribute a certain amt to the household, I hope you've talked about this. Don't want any resentment creeping in later.

[eyesopen]

It sounds like you are doing great and your w seems to be making progress. I think it might be helpful to remember, no expectations. Take those small steps as being positive.

[leopoldstotch]

SG you are being to hard on yourself and I think your expectations are really high. Don't let her wearing her rings then taking them off bother you. My W hasn't worn her rings but once since she said we were seperated. We went out back in Feb I think for my cousins birthday and I noticed she had them on. I didn't say a word about just thought to myself that it was fake.

Your W I'm not sure comment may have meant she isn't sure about you the two of it also may not. You are mind reading here. Stop doing that bud it solves nothing but drives you crazy.

Baby steps SG. I think I suggested to you before to read Bustorama's thread. His story is similar to yours and he managed to reconcile with his W. Strange how some of the success stories on here all have something in common. When the LBS was truly the one ready to move on with their life and D their WAS the WAS realized that they really didn't want to D. It may help you to read those stories to know exactly what those LBS went through.

Take one day at a time and don't get your hopes up because you are only in for a let down. Its going to be a long journey. Trust me I know look how long I've been in my sitch with really no progress on my W's part. Overall I think you are doing good.

[ThisDayForward]

SG this is my first post on someone elses situation outside of my own.

From what I see from reading this thread you need to GAL man. You are exactly where I am. Worrying about rings, phones flipped over, trying to control her, worried one night she touch you the next night she doesn't.

You need to start making plans. You need to learn to meditate or do something to get the stress out. At night you need to read books and detach. Spend time with your son. I am no expert but I've had a ton of expert advice.

reading your post gave me instant anxiety and made me realize why LA stopped reading my posts.

The last few nights I've increased GAL, learned Qi Gong, and read books, and building son a ice hockey rink.

My W took her rings off one night and didn't come home til 115 am. My W NEVER does this behavior. She hasn't worn them since and if she does wear them its just so she gets no questions.

If you are truly detached you will not worry about phone being flipped over (I KNOW IT [censored] CUZ MY W DOES THIS), rings on, etc..

Mr. B told me my anxiety is self inflicted. It is. GAL is only fix man. If you can't get out of house I suggest doing something away from her. Working out, movies, get a hobby, do something and take focus off wife.

Just in the last 2 days this has helped me 3 fold.

When my W txt me now I reply in away where I dont EXPECT an answer. I am short,cheerful, and precise.

Good luck man.

[someguy1233]

Deciding between SAHM, PT work, FT work is a huge decision for most women. Give her the time, space and support to do that. It seems you have the financial means to make it work whatever she chooses.

If she needs to contribute a certain amt to the household, I hope you've talked about this. Don't want any resentment creeping in later.

Roughly two weeks ago we figured out a rough budget. We can afford fer her to only work part time, but it will cause us to significantly change our lifestyle. A change that we'd both be willing to make for happiness. It's the old saying, "money can't buy happiness!"

It sounds like you are doing great and your w seems to be making progress. I think it might be helpful to remember, no expectations. Take those small steps as being positive.

Thanks, eyesopen. It's nice to hear perspectives from outsiders.
I struggle with no expectations. It's really hard to let go of them.

SG you are being to hard on yourself and I think your expectations are really high. Don't let her wearing her rings then taking them off bother you. My W hasn't worn her rings but once since she said we were seperated. We went out back in Feb I think for my cousins birthday and I noticed she had them on. I didn't say a word about just thought to myself that it was fake.

Your W I'm not sure comment may have meant she isn't sure about you the two of it also may not. You are mind reading here. Stop doing that bud it solves nothing but drives you crazy.

Baby steps SG. I think I suggested to you before to read Bustorama's thread. His story is similar to yours and he managed to reconcile with his W. Strange how some of the success stories on here all have something in common. When the LBS was truly the one ready to move on with their life and D their WAS the WAS realized that they really didn't want to D. It may help you to read those stories to know exactly what those LBS went through.

Take one day at a time and don't get your hopes up because you are only in for a let down. Its going to be a long journey. Trust me I know look how long I've been in my sitch with really no progress on my W's part. Overall I think you are doing good.

Thanks, leo. I always appreciate your insight. I guess this time I really got my hopes up because she was wearing her rings. This isn't our first rodeo. We've had troubles in the past and her putting on her rings back on always signified her willingness to try and work things out. I immediately got that expectation. I guess I'll just learn that it may not mean that any longer.

Thanks for the tip on Bustorama's thread. It's a long read but I've been slowly going through it.