3 Years after D-Day, part 2. Separated 9 Months.

[AlkalineThoughts]

Ed:

Good work on attempting to GAL a little more... remember that at least SOME of you GAL NEEDS to be solo... as in without S...

The GALing helps so much with Detaching... in fact, it seems to be, at least in my case, the ONLY thing that really moves me forward... it helps to have a life outside of this situation we're all in... At the very least it gets our mind off of the garbage, and at best, it reminds us that life will go on either way.

Be careful not to fool yourself here though... You say you "Don't care" about your W not showing up, or showing up late and leaving early, but then a couple posts later you mention it again... A big part of this whole process is realizing the things you need to work on... then fixing them.

As you know, the thing you (and I) need to do most is to detach... So GAL as best as you can... There are a TON of groups you can join to help with this, as you're finding out...

And keep making progress on yourself. Stop worrying about what W might or might not be doing, as you can't control that.

[Am I Too Late]

AlkalineThouhts, once again thank you for lending your outsiders perspective to my meanderings. My thoughts are not Absorbed with thinking about my W, but i still have periods that she gets in my head, but it's not as pervasive as it used to be, if you get my drift.

My posts are also a frame of reference for me to look back at to detect where i am at, compared to where i was previously.

Last night, i felt like i had an epiphany of sorts. I was Done being pizzed off at her. But, reading her last e-mail allowed me to see the hypocrisy of her comment about how much she misses S-9. Well, she wouldn't have to miss him at all if she would have put in any effort at all if she would have thought of others who loved her instead of herself and would have chosen to partake in family events to learn to enjoy being a wife and a mother again.

Here is her e-mail.
Ok try calling me when u have chance. I very likely will be asleep. If I don't answer please tell eddie mama had fun sat and was so happy to be there with him and that I love and miss him very much. Please tell him that.

That was after i e-mailed her that he was at his Cub Scout Den meeting.

I did respond to her this morning, just to let her know that we got back too late to call and that i already had told her what she requested, prior to her asking me to do so.

I wanted to add to that, but felt any other words would wind up trying to guilt trip her in a subversive manner that might also make her feel bad.

We had to depend on a ride from someone else due to my vehicles both being broke down, so we were on someone else's time frame.

When i did talk to my son on Sunday, he said, Dad, why are you talking about her again. I do try to enforce with him that he is loved by Both of his parents. I'm not sure if his comment was about what he has stated several times before, That he doesn't miss ma-ma that much because she was never around that much and never did anything with us, OR if i try to tell him too often that his ma-ma still loves him.

Ed

[leopoldstotch]

Ed you may be talking to your S about your W entirely too much. If I were you I would ease up on telling him how his mother loves him. Its her job to show him her love and her actions must be telling to him. Your S is smarter than you think he is. He knows she is not around for him because she chooses not to be around. I would suggest that you read up on setting boundaries for yourself and for your S. I think there needs to be some consequences for her actions. Right now she has no accountability for the things that she does.

You seem to be on a much better path but I still think you are not fully detached from your W. Keep working on you.

[Am I Too Late]

When i did talk to my son on Sunday, he said, Dad, why are you talking about her again. I do try to enforce with him that he is loved by Both of his parents. I'm not sure if his comment was about what he has stated several times before, That he doesn't miss ma-ma that much because she was never around that much and never did anything with us, OR if i try to tell him too often that his ma-ma still loves him.

Ed

I just wish she saw how her past 4 years have impacted our son.

I don't think it's right for me to point out his comments to her though. That just seems like throwing dirt in her face.

Ed

[leopoldstotch]

Then don't say anything. In time she will know the hurt she is causing him.

[Am I Too Late]

I am NOT going to send this off to my W,but this is where my thoughts wound up yesterday.

I figure that, Maybe,by posting this letter to her here, it may help me to let go of some of my anger and resentments that surfaced after i read her e-mail the other evening.

Wife,

You are continuing to make excuses and ignore your agreement that you would assist in support financially for Our Son. There were too many other people around on Saturday to discuss this with you and you left early due to not feeling well.

The amount required is 20%of your income per Our States child support statutes after proper tax deductions for yourself,and not claiming Our Son since i have properly been in charge of raising him since you abandoned your responsibilities as of February 16th of this year.

It hurts so much to have to pursue you repeatedly while still caring for your well being.

A couple of weeks ago you even stated.....

"That you know you haven't been much of a ma-ma ever since your own mom got sick", .....which will be 4 years ago at the end of this month.

Well besides how much you were hurting from your mom dying and very depressed, that is about the same time that you relapsed and started drinking.

2 months prior to that, you wrote.....

"When i die, the most important things i want to be remembered for is being a Good Wife, a Good Mother and a Good Friend."

Once you started drinking, your perspective changed and instead of seeing the good in your marriage and family life, you focused only on the mistakes to justify what you were doing.

You know where you can get help for your drinking problem. I Pray that what you once said does not come true..... You told me, .....

"You know..... I just realized that i relapsed at the exact same age as my mom did. I guess i have 10 years of Fvcking up my life up before i start to get my Chit back together again just like my mom did."

Is that what you truly want?

Before you started drinking and before your mom died, you had a pretty good life and felt more loved and adored than you ever felt before in your entire life. Then you turned to other people and pushed me and Our Son away from you. You ceased participating in nearly all family activities,which i attributed to your depression and overwhelming sadness from losing your own mom. When i was trying to reach out andbe there by your side, you pushed me away because you said you needed to be alone and unfortunately, i retreated, not knowing that you had relied on your, at that time,emotional affair with your long time ago ex-boyfriend who you were texting 4,000 times per month. How could i have possibly been welcomed to be there for you like i sincerely desired to be, when you were emotionally involved with someone else? You wrote, "Ah, finally harmonious love at last." Well, now you said recently that you finally deleted him from your friends list on facebook because he was a jerk. Was he, or Any of the following people you wound up with worth destroying your own family for?

Then the thing with your,at that time, best friends on again, off again boyfriend. With him, you said, "I just need to be in your arms tonight cuz you the only guy for me."

Well, how did that work out for you?

When it seemed like your mom was going to be released from the hospital 1 week before she did pass away, i readily agreed to have her live with us and had started cleaning out the dining room for her. Would you have only then been able to see how much i was truly there for you and your mom, or do you think that you would have continued down the path you were headed towards?

If you don't see it, the people who truly care for you do. Your alcohol problem has blinded you from being the Good Wife and the Good Mother that you previously proudly stated as your life goal.

I was made aware of last week Saturday, that when you were supposed to visit Our Son after watching his karate class,that you spent the afternoon at a bar instead while we were all spending quality family time together having lunch at a restaurant. Maybe you didn't want to face your mother-in-law and father-in-law, but you should have still come to see your one and only child. We did not know in advance for sure, but i had told you that i suspected that they were going to award him his Yellow Belt soon. You chose to miss his test to visit with your friend in Rockford instead and earlier in the year, you chose to miss his first Yellow Stripe test because you told me you were hanging out with friends instead.

What should be a priority for Any Mother, not just a Good Mother?

What would you have done in your pre-drinking days?

I think you would have done what a Good Mother would haven done and showed up to support your son. You have missed more visits with Our Son than you have made, by a long-shot. You only visited Our Son 1 single time within 97 days over his entire summer vacation.

I hope you can honestly look in the mirror and reflect on who you have become in the past 4 years. Which person is the Real (Wife's Name)? The one that lead a loving family life or the one who has a desire to have serial affairs and drinking all the time destroying the lives of your wedded family members, who loved you more than you will ever know.

You are through with your marriage, but i hope you see what has become of your life since you started drinking and make a decision to get help.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

I may just send the top portion regarding the child support that was discussed but not followed through with.

I did get one of my vehicles running yesterday and a mechanic is coming over today to work on the other one.

Now, while i was typing this, my W just sent the following message.

I was out late last night. Melissa was dying colleens hair and had extra so did mine. Sat I assume eddie has karate at 11 right? Can we go to your house so I can grab a couple things after. I have boxed my xmas stuff in garage and couple other minor things I need. I could hang out at house with u guys for a couple hours then if ok. Let me know.

End of message.

I think she Only wants to come over here to get more of her stuff.

Ed

[leopoldstotch]

Wow. I definitely wouldn't send that to her at all. I would have a face to face discussion with her about the finances and that's it. The rest of that letter is major guilt trip and she most assuredly won't want to speak to you again. That would really push her away and what would you expect to accomplish by telling her all of that? I know you said you won't send it but I really hope you mean that.

I know she is in selfish mode Ed but it seems to me that you need to drop the rope with her. You seem to be in an on going circle with her. You cannot control her let her make her own mistakes and learn from them. I know it hurts you to stand by and see this happen but by detaching/dropping the rope you remove yourself from her actions.

Ed I think your sitch is different than a few of ours because your W fell off the wagon. There's nothing you can do to help her she has to hit rock bottom before she can fix herself and she has so much fixing to do it seems from reading your posts. IMHO there needs to be consequences for her actions especially when it comes to your S. I see her as neglecting him and that has to stop for his sake. I think the focus of your conversation would her should be about your S and not about the two of you.

[Am I Too Late]

No, i will not send it, so don't worry.

After i posted it, i pretended it was someone elses and would have commented similar to what you posted Leo.

I wanted to see if that would get my Angries out.

.I have not replied to her message yet either, because i don't want to respond from a resentful frame of mind. That's why i posted it here instead.

Thanks for the swift kick in the azz.

Ed

[leopoldstotch]

Ed I meant to comment on a previous post of yours. You said someone told you that your W told them she thinks things will eventually work out between the two of you. That tells me that your W has no fear of losing you because she knows how desperately you want her back. This is not a good thing. I think she needs to see that she can very well lose you. How you go about doing that is up to you.