kg and busting, i love that concept... using the good moments to build momentum for more good moments. it does seem that once we truly start having them, that they multiply.. this journey has made me so much more aware and appreciative of the small things that are really big... laughter, beauty and small moments of connection to another being...
sd, i did not really recover on sunday.... i am having a party for my niece's bday and went through an old photo box to find pictures of her... i ran into photos of W and a poem she had written for me. i also read some letters i had from my mom about our efforts to beat the cancer which took her life.. i feel the need to go through the old family photos, it is part of what i am trying to uncover and understand about myself... but it is hard. when W moved in years ago, I had 2 photos up of my family, that was it ... and she found and put up photos of my childhood and my family. i know that i need to make sense of some things there to not let it influence me now and have been working on that.
i think there has long been a belief that i formed in my childhood that i am too tenderhearted to stand painful events and that i must be shielded or avoid them. i am unpacking that belief and realizing that having a tender-heart is really a strength and that the ability to remain tender in the midst of both joy and pain is who i want to be in the world... (SS, i wonder if that is the key to not losing ourselves in an R, to not shut down or to take on their feelings when ours get scary?)
finding the poem from W was bittersweet.. it was sad to read how much she loved me then and realize how it has changed... but in some ways it confirmed something for me. after the BD, she had told me and her family that she never really loved me... and while cadet and others have tried to tell me that it is script, i guess it did make me question things... that poem was quite clear though and i no longer doubt that she was deeply in love and that our M was real for both of us.
ss, I am glad that you are considering joint counselling.. i so love your ability to admit your fear... that is strength. ((((((((( )))))))))
since sunday, i have been more myself again.. it feels like each time i grieve, i take off a layer and truly feel lighter and more myself again.
thank you so so much SD, SS, Busting and KG for helping me on this journey. love and peace to you and to all the DBers who read this..
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
