hi ruby, thanks for stopping by.. for me, i think the texting and contact enables me to keep checking her temperature and keeps me focused on her instead of me.
ss, how big a role do you think fear plays in your feelings about R? i ask bc i tried to put myself in your shoes and felt a lot of fear.. for me, trusting W again would be hard.
kg, i do feel better but there are ups and downs still.. i do think it is easier without kids, there are not the constant contacts...and you are still in the midst of the financial settlement which i found very very difficult too.
sd, honestly, i am sad today. i spent yesterday with some friends who have the sweetest little girl, she is almost 2. she latched on to me and we spent most of the day playing, swinging and reading books while her moms entertained another couple. it was a beautiful day and i loved every minute..
but it was a reminder of the times W tried to get pregnant years ago... and that has made me sad this morning.. that plus just missing having someone to wake up with and spend a lazy sunday with... i have allowed myself to have my tears but i still feel heavy.. when a M ends there is just so much to grieve.
i am planning to see a friend later and get out so that i can get a change of scenery..
love and peace to all today
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I hope your outing cheered you up. Pat yourself on the back for all the grieving you've done. It's that much less stuff to come back and bite you in the arse.
Hi grace, you're right. There's a lot of fear. I'm afraid to give up so much of myself again. Can't do it. There would have to be joint counseling before R.
I hope you're doing well?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I just wanted to stop by and say I hope you are doing well today. I am in the same stage as you, grieving the end of my M and as you say, there is just so much to grieve...
I am well at times and then something will get me there. Like you, on Sunday and on Veteran's day I just missed having my H to spend the day with. Yet we do have good moments as well. Let's keep focusing on those and using them as momentum to generate more good moments, shall we?
((((NG)))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Hi NG, How are you doing? I hope you are doing well today as well.
I am with KG...momentum to generate more good moments. :-)
Miss you NG ((( ))
Love you dearly.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
kg and busting, i love that concept... using the good moments to build momentum for more good moments. it does seem that once we truly start having them, that they multiply.. this journey has made me so much more aware and appreciative of the small things that are really big... laughter, beauty and small moments of connection to another being...
sd, i did not really recover on sunday.... i am having a party for my niece's bday and went through an old photo box to find pictures of her... i ran into photos of W and a poem she had written for me. i also read some letters i had from my mom about our efforts to beat the cancer which took her life.. i feel the need to go through the old family photos, it is part of what i am trying to uncover and understand about myself... but it is hard. when W moved in years ago, I had 2 photos up of my family, that was it ... and she found and put up photos of my childhood and my family. i know that i need to make sense of some things there to not let it influence me now and have been working on that.
i think there has long been a belief that i formed in my childhood that i am too tenderhearted to stand painful events and that i must be shielded or avoid them. i am unpacking that belief and realizing that having a tender-heart is really a strength and that the ability to remain tender in the midst of both joy and pain is who i want to be in the world... (SS, i wonder if that is the key to not losing ourselves in an R, to not shut down or to take on their feelings when ours get scary?)
finding the poem from W was bittersweet.. it was sad to read how much she loved me then and realize how it has changed... but in some ways it confirmed something for me. after the BD, she had told me and her family that she never really loved me... and while cadet and others have tried to tell me that it is script, i guess it did make me question things... that poem was quite clear though and i no longer doubt that she was deeply in love and that our M was real for both of us.
ss, I am glad that you are considering joint counselling.. i so love your ability to admit your fear... that is strength. ((((((((( )))))))))
since sunday, i have been more myself again.. it feels like each time i grieve, i take off a layer and truly feel lighter and more myself again.
thank you so so much SD, SS, Busting and KG for helping me on this journey. love and peace to you and to all the DBers who read this..
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I continue to feel more of my old self... happy and engaged in the world. Finally! This has been some journey. I still have some sad moments and will continue to grieve I am sure, but the dense fog has lifted for the most part.
I have had some solid weeks of growth I think... I had a wonderful session with my IC. I had mentioned a quote I read about our brains being like velcro to negative thoughts and teflon to positive thoughts. My IC said that she actively talks about positive events in her life as a way to cement them in memory. I like that idea bc I think I do have some gnarly velcro up there for the bad stuff.
She also told me about a time she was working with a famous psychologist who uses hypnosis. He took her sightseeing and even then the messages he gave her were a mild form of hypnosis.. one which I have held onto is when they were looking out over the ocean and he told her that the view was wonderful but that there might also be a more beautiful view around the corner. I remind myself of that often....that there may very well be a more beautiful view around the corner for me.
Since that session... I feel like I have turned a corner... and perhaps that what was led me to realize something about myself this week while listening to my new guru, Tara Brach.
I have been spending some time thinking back through things from my childhood and how they impacted me. I realized that, in our M, my W and I felt safe enough to let our "hurt child" emerge with each other. However, we lacked the awareness of what was happening and ended up not being able to understand what was happening within ourselves or each other leading to fear for both of us and eventually anger and resentment for W.
While it is sad in some ways to feel as if I have put the pieces together so well now... it is also empowering for me to realize that the needy child within me during our M is only a part of me and is not all of me or who i am... and that with this awareness I can work on healing that part of myself.
this journey has been one of self discovery and even though i still miss W, i would not give up what i have gained here for anything.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Grace, Google Bill O'Hanlon. He has a few SBT books and often uses hypnosis / trance work. Much of the text can be read and used to induce a light trance type state. Maybe use that to help re engage positive thoughts.
I appreciate you stopping by on my thread. You have been through a lot and grown even more.
