Can This Be Salvaged?

[leopoldstotch]

Grateful thx for posting. I will be sure to read your thread. It does take two so don't blame yourself for everything and you have to forgive yourself. I had a hard time at first and blamed it all on myself. I wallowed in self pity I cried you name it I did it. I kept reading here and decided I needed counseling and meds and I started to GAL. Guess what I started to feel better about myself. I've been in this sitch for over a year now and I don't know what is going to happen but no matter the end result I will be a better person and I hope that is what you take from this.

[leopoldstotch]

W came home from work last night and barely said two words to me. This morning wasn't any better got the cold shoulder after trying to initiate small talk. Anyone have any thoughts or suggestions as to what my counselor suggested?

[AnotherStander]

W came home from work last night and barely said two words to me. This morning wasn't any better got the cold shoulder after trying to initiate small talk. Anyone have any thoughts or suggestions as to what my counselor suggested?

Do you mean this part?

I read it to my counselor and he thought it was very good. He thinks I should wait a few days and ask her what she thinks of my text. He also suggested that I tell her that I love her and that I'm willing to put in the work to create a new/ better marriage. If she fumbles around with an answer he would like me to say its a yes or no answer.

First let me ask, do you want to save the M or are you done? Because you also posted this:

I think I left out a key part. Before I left for storm I had told my W that we couldn't live like this anymore and that I was ready to file.

That sounds like you're done and dropping the rope. And if that's the case, that is perfectly fine, it's your choice. But if you're still working on the M, I would say refrain from the texts. That's probably why she's not talking to you. The texts are pressure, and so is your C's recommendation. I assure you that if you push her for a yes/ no response on working on the M you're going to get a "no". She's not anywhere close to ready to have that convo.

My counselor says she knew what it was and took it because she really doesn't want a D. Maybe he's right IDK. All I know is is that I'm growing tired of all this. Thoughts?

It is VERY common for a WAS to talk about D a lot but never actually pursue it. It's also somewhat common for the LBS to finally file themselves, and usually when they do it makes the WAS angry/ upset/ sad. Sometimes this can lead to reconcilation, but often it results in the D becoming final. So don't go there unless you're really serious.

[leopoldstotch]

AS I think there is part of me that is really tired of being in limbo and misses companionship. I'm not 100% ready to D. My counselor feels a part of me is ready to let go since its been over a year. As a couple we really don't do much together at all. She does her thing and I do mine and in light of what I said to her Sunday night and how she's acting now even after apologizing I really think she is done. I took the money order back to the bank today and deposited it so I know I'm not ready to D but I know I can't stop her if that's what she truly wants.

[AnotherStander]

AS I think there is part of me that is really tired of being in limbo and misses companionship.

I totally understand, I feel the same way and I'm only 5 months in since BD. Some people can put up with this stuff indefinitely. Others can't put up with it for a week. I don't think anyone would blame you for dropping the rope after a year, that's an admirable effort.

I took the money order back to the bank today and deposited it so I know I'm not ready to D but I know I can't stop her if that's what she truly wants.

Well unfortunately none of us can stop the D process, it only takes one to accomplish it. But I feel like there's emotional D, spiritual D and physical D. For me, emotional D happens before the spouse walks, it's the infamous BD. Once they're out the door then we have spiritual D, in the sense that they've rejected the vows they made to God. Physical D is really just a technicality, a tearing up of the legal document filed with the government. The first two have already happened to me, I could care less about the 3rd because my M is already dead. I hope we can build a new M someday, only time will tell. But I would see that as a new emotional and spiritual M, not a restoration of the old one.

[leopoldstotch]

You're right AS none of us can stop the D process. I have to say that you have a very positive attitude. I also agree with you about the stages of D. I have no clue where my W is in that stage. My C who works with a lot of couples thinks she is not finished he has said that he has worked with couples much worse than my sitch who have managed to put things together and go on to have happy M's.

I know it may go against the grain here but I have decided to give her a letter telling her how I feel about her and pretty much telling her its her choice how this plays out. I feel Ihave nothing to lose at this point even if we come out on the side of her ending the M afterall I can't stop her anyway. I don't expect her to say anything at this time since she doesn't want to speak to me. Thx for posting

[leopoldstotch]

So my W just called a little while ago to give me grief about taking money out of our account. If you could heard her anger and telling me there you go taking money out here and there. Oh boy. I just let her vent and said ok when she was finished then she hung up on me. Seems I can't do anything right these days. Whats going to piss her off next?

[someguy1233]

I just let her vent and said ok when she was finished then she hung up on me. Seems I can't do anything right these days. Whats going to piss her off next?

Don't be so hard on yourself. You did do something right! You didn't engage her when she was angry.

[leopoldstotch]

The more I think about things the more I believe that my W has no respect for me and I don't know the right way to go about gaining that respect.

[Grateful]

So my W just called a little while ago to give me grief about taking money out of our account. If you could heard her anger and telling me there you go taking money out here and there. Oh boy. I just let her vent and said ok when she was finished then she hung up on me. Seems I can't do anything right these days. Whats going to piss her off next?

I know that this is stupid, but I would almost take anger. She still has an emotional attachment to you. Besides the "happy" text, W doesn't contact me at all. She has gone dark herself.