The green green grass of home

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Tumbling. MKB, I replied to you on your thread. I think you meant that for the other SS.
I'm really not doing good at all. The past few days have been so hard. I have not been contacting H. I'm just not doing good at all. Even just half an hour of being around people and doing my best to be okay, Just leaves me so exhausted and emotional. I curled up on my bed today and just sobbed and sobbed. This crying thing really [censored].
The pain is just so intense. Im trying so hard to GAL but everything is just such a huge effort lately.
My head tells me to run for the hills but my heart just can not let go. I don't want to be with anybody else. I want my H back, he is the one I love.
To be honest, I looked at a few dating sites but I just can not do it. H still has my heart and I want it back. I don't want to let him use it as a trampoline anymore.

I just do not know how to pick myself up. Honestly my emotional energy has been low for a while, years even. I think always trying to please H and failing took its toll. It's at an all time low right now. I just do not enjoy anything ATM and I don't know what to do about it.
Im so so lost. I'm trying so hard but it feels like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

I resent him for the fact that he left, just when things were easing off financially. Now I'm broke and struggling to pay the bills and children's activity expenses. He is able to go out and buy himself new clothes and go out drinking and whatever else. I resent the fact that he is not helping me financially. He always tells me if I need anything for the kids to ask. Every time I do, he tells me he hasent got the money that week because of X,Y. Or Z. Yet he has money to buy the kids things or tell me he brought new clothes etc. That really hurts.

I'm stuck in the mud and I don't know how to climb out. Stupid mud.