TVS, Sunny, LoisB, and MissAgnes~ Thank you for the birthday wishes!! I'm also glad to hear there's no such thing as too much cake!
snodderly~ Thank you! Trust me, I was very surprised by his actions on my birthday. Then yesterday, in the morning, I wasn't able to really sleep so I was up at 5 and was reading a book in "my" room. H stopped in the doorway on his way back from the bathroom. I told him he could come in he didn't have to stand there. He came in, sat on the bed, started kissing me! Well yes, that went to where one would think it did. After he was getting ready to leave for the gym and he sat on the bed for a few minutes and said he was considering going back to bed for an hour. Just to see what he may say, I said it's nice in warm in here if you would like to join me. He chuckled said it was tempting, but he needs to go to the gym or he will regret it later.
Before he left he hugged me several times. He also told me he likes my "new attitude and seeing me smile a lot more these days." In an effort to build his self esteem I told him he makes me smile. I also told him it helps that I've gotten help for the depression I didn't realize I was in. He told he didn't think I was ever depressed. I just said I was and let it at that. Makes sense now that he can't see his own depression at times, he doesn't realize it's more complex than the frowny face on those old commercials.
The other thing I found interesting, before he left he told me he would be late getting home Friday night, like midnight. I thanked him for telling me and said, you going on a road trip? He said no, the movies. I asked Oh the new 007 movie? He said yes. I can't believe he actually gave me information, and didn't act like it was the end of the world. I took the time to tell him I will be late, but not that late Thursday night due to a parent meeting at work and if I have the ambition the gym after. He acted like I didn't need to tell him anything.
I then asked how his sister was doing, he made a strange face, I couldn't quite read, perhaps disgust.... said he guesses ok, they got her moved back up here from MD. I asked if she picked a name for the baby, she had, he told me what it was.
Then I asked how his one brother was doing. He said not well, a friend of his passed away in a car accident last week, he was only about 30. I told him I was sorry to hear that. He said, well that's life. I asked him to let his brother know I am so sorry to hear that, only if he is comfortable telling him. He said ok, don't know if he will or not.
Last night we had leftover pizza and watched a couple of episodes of Supernatural on Netflix. I had brought up I heard Disney had bought the rights to Star Wars, asked how he felt about that, since he likes the Star Wars films. So we actually had a kind of normal conversation.
Before he left for the gym this morning he popped his head into the room and said have a good day.
Still no expectations, but I'm enjoying the positives, and hope they keep coming....
hrm, Bravo! You are handling your situation very well. Keep dropping those crumbs and keep smiling! I have to say, he's baking up nicely and the positives are all there!
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It sounds like great progress. I hope it keeps going well for you.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
I am so happy for how you are handling things and the results you are generating...a "normal" conversation? Yay! Those ARE nice now, aren't they? Hope it lasts and continues to expand.
Quote:
to build his self esteem I told him he makes me smile.
Once we recover our sense of humor, they DO make us smile, so we're not lying or anything like that....
Sounds like in other areas (family, etc) H is seeing some clarity, the world as it is. Give that lots of sun, water and fertilizer like you are doing and keep it growing!
Just keep doing what you are and being you...your steadfastness is disrupting the mind-control beams from the mothership...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
snodderly,Soul.Searching,WH, T~Thank you!! Also thank you for the belated birthday wishes WH!
Something I had forgotten to mention about the conversation with H the other night. He said to me, "I forgot all about that box (meaning the Christmas Child box) and you even reminded me the day before. I'm sorry." I told him it was ok, not a big deal, I got it filled. He said again that he was sorry and then told me he has a "toys for tots thing coming up." If I was interested. I told him I definitely was and asked what the perimeters were for the gifts. He looked on his phone and said, it's not Toys for Tots, it's such and such Ministries, the gift should be a $10 value for a boy or girl. He went on to say he needs it for the first Sunday in December. I said ok, he went on to say it's for a shooting match (again actually volunteering information on his whereabouts). He again said I didn't have to participate. I told him I want to.
He seems to be back into texting everybody and their brother again as of last night, and seemed a bit.... I don't know... anxious? That may not be the right word... I would say off, but come on he's been off for 13 months! LOL Perhaps he seemed a bit replayish? IDK, at any rate he was still being nice to me last night and this morning. Before he left for the gym he told me to have a good day. I told him to do the same and told him to enjoy the movie tonight, and said I hope it's good. He thanked me.
As for me, I have a lot of neglected cleaning to do around here this evening (yea, super fun!!!). I'll be working for my dad tomorrow, and meeting my friend Sunday for another super killer spinning class! Have a great weekend everyone!
hrm, I see positives here w/the volunteering of information. He's apologized again which is a huge step in the right direction, even if it was because he forgot about the Christmas Child box. You are very patient w/him and dropping the crumbs at the right time for him to follow.
I do hope that you have a nice weekend. Keep up the good work! Positives are showing up quite frequently now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Today finds me having a moment.... it started last night. I KNEW something was going on, H had several hushed phone calls, I could hear him say in his annoyed voice, "ok, just keep me posted." I just had this feeling it was about his sister having the baby. I went out into the living room where he was, my happy happy joy joy self and we ended up watching a couple of more episodes of Supernatural. He got another call, scurried off to the bathroom (I guess in the attempt to find the positive, he actually answered the phone in the house while I was there 3 times last night, but I'm not feeling very positive in this moment). I heard him say to whoever, "I'm fine, just tired." When he came back and sat down I asked him if everything was ok. To which he lied, I mean replied yes. So I started playing the episode again.
I kept looking over and I swear he looked like he was trying not to cry! I paused the episode and said, Are you sure everything is ok? He used the Yes, I'm just tired line on me. Which of course he is tired he didn't get home from the movie he went to see Friday night until 2am, which is a big thing for someone who goes to bed at 8 most nights. I started the episode again, trying to remain happy, and not take the lies personally, but I'm not stupid, and I'm not ok with being treated like I am. I'm also not the enemy, and I've had my fill of being treated that way as well.
After that episode I didn't want to watch another one and he was headed off to bed(it was 8:30). So in an attempt to be supportive when he was saying good night to me I said to him,very nicely, "I know something is going on, I'm not stupid. Clearly you don't want to tell me about it but I just wanted to let you know I am here if you need me, if you want to talk or anything or even just a hug." He says to me, "Do you need a hug?' Then kind of hugs me, a strange, barely touch me, like hugging someone you don't want to hug. Then he tells me he knows I am here and everything is fine and his sister is having the baby. I just said ok. And went to "my" room. His sister was due in December btw.
I ended up going downstairs, with my multiple prayer books and my Bible, turned on the tv,but low, in the event he got nosy. I cried, I prayed,I hated his entire family for a bit, I must have exhausted myself because I fell asleep on the couch for awhile. I ended up going back up to bed at 11:30.
This morning, I was laying in bed and H poked his head in and asked if I would be bothered by him turning on the tv, I told him I wouldn't, then he disappeared to the living room. My back has been killing me since last night, my sciatica has apparently decided now would be a good time to act up. So I was doing some press up's on the floor this morning( all the good stuff they showed me to do a few years ago when I went to PT for it).
While I was doing that H was getting ready to leave. He stopped in the doorway and asked if I was ok. I said my back hurts, but I'll be fine. He asked if there was anything he could do, I told him no, I was just doing some press ups. He smiled and said ok I'll let you do your seals or whatever. I started to sit up because my back was really tight and he left. No word about his whore sister or the baby his mother will inevitably fvck up as well, cause 4 of her own children wasn't nearly enough people to fvck up. I wonder will I ever even get to meet my niece? I shouldn't have to wonder such things..... Makes me wonder what lies H has told everyone about our sitch.... what twisted webs he may have weaved and what that means for the future, or doesn't it even matter because H is just going to float out there in MLC-land forever?
Anyway, I had another crying, praying fit this morning, and the thing is I know it's something I need to get the fvck over, but I just can't, or don't know how, or am avoiding working through because it will just be too hard, and frankly I'm exhausted and tired of being the only one working through stuff in this house. Or maybe I feel like if I work through it I have given up hope of having children? IDK. Just a reminder, I have PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome) it can cause fertility issues, which it has in me, and before BD we had been trying to have a child for a few years, and had been starting to do all of the testing for the PCOS to see what the next steps were to be. This is just such a hard thing for me, and H may be telling himself he does't want kids, but I know that's not true, alien may not want kids but H I married who is buried waaaaay down does. Alien just thinks he'd fvck them up. Gee childhood issues much?
I think I'm just angry too because H has always run away instead of dealing with feeling like a failure. Years ago (2006), right before he got this damn job he hates so much, he was going to leave for no reason, "because he couldn't live like this anymore." My dear friend was there for that one.... that lasted about a couple of weeks, then he got this job and he was fine again. In retrospect perhaps I should have known that was a red flag, but in my defense I was young and stupid.
Before this job we had been living 2 hours away, and he lost the job he had there for a really stupid reason that was not his fault, so we ended up moving back "home" and living with my mom and her BF at the time (the guy she cheated on my dad with, yeah, that svcked, MLC much mother dear?) for several months, then he got this job and we were able to FINALLY move out. This job that he hates soooo much, yet is soooo sickeningly nice to the very co-workers he wants to get away from.
Looking back, clearly the running was related to him feeling like a failure. He had kept apologizing for "letting me down" and such, it's like he wouldn't hear me when I would say he hasn't and that the job wasn't his fault. H has always been broken..... he's been an MLC waiting to freaking happen, and I had no idea. I think the difference between that time and this time was back then I was still happy, positive, it's ok, we will get through this Heather... when he didn't get that job last September he had his heart set on I was depressed, and didn't know it, so not as supportive as I would have been if I had been myself. I know the MLC is not my fault, had a been depressed in 2006 all this crap could have started back then....
The other thing that has me annoyed is he got the invitation to his work Christmas party, which he was going to go to last year, but I practically had an anxiety attack (no lie) about and told him my thoughts on him going. They have it every year at the same hotel.... yeah he wanted to get a room there and didn't see the problem with that, alcohol and not inviting his wife..... So I'm trying not to think about WTH he's going to do this year.... but he must be considering it because he didn't throw away the invitation. I'm damn sure I won't be invited this year either.
I'm so tired of this all..... I wish he'd stop running and work through his issues already. I guess he could be working through stuff and me not know it, but he doesn't talk to me about anything really, nothing of substance really. I keep looking at all the positives, but who knows. I don't trust him, clearly he is a liar. That being said I still miss him and love him. It's all so overwhelming to me right now....and I'm tired of feeling so lonely, and the emotional part is just kicking my butt today. I feel like I need to get away.... just be away from all of this craziness for a few days...
I'm sorry this is so long.... Any thoughts would be appreciated....
I think I need to take a walk... try to clear my head.... Rails to Trails here I come...
I'm having a rough day too. I drove about a mile from our house and am sitting in the car watching this prairie grass grow and working through waves of tears.
At least most days are good for us, right? Maybe snodderly will have some wisdom for you. I just wanted you to know -- I read, I feel, I empathize.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
