Searching, trying - still going, but how?

[bustingout]

Hi KG, Just stopping by to see how you are today :-)

I believe in you. And I do believe that you do know what you need to do in order to start letting go of the rope.

I believe in YOU KG. I believe in YOU.

Love you.

Busting. ((((( )))))

[linz1822]

I get the rage and the hard time with detaching.

I am there as well i have gone on two dates both which i was 100% not ready for but it was nice to remind myself that i am likable and people will be interested in being with me when I am ready.

i was a little scared about that problem is I am still super married in my heart and head. He seems to have majorly back tracked on working on things but I am sure if I keep moving forward on improving myself we will either work it our or I will have a much better marriage the next time around.

i didn't appreciate what i had until it was gone. all any of us can do is learn and grow and hope for the best.

my counselor keeps telling me that none of this is a surprise to God and sometimes he takes people out of our lives for a while or for good so we can move on to the next bigger thing he has planned for us. She is not encouraging a divorce just that i make sure it is right for me to go back and not all on his term.

I am hear if you need someone.

[BklynMom]

ey KG

Sorry you have been on a little bit of a down hill on the roller coaster. I don’t have to tell you that the roller coaster always comes back up.

You are someone who has inspired so many here on these boards. You have already come farther then most will ever make it. Recognizing that you have more strides to make is huge and is a testament to your character.

As someone who is just a few steps ahead of you in this journey and also has young children I can attest to what a blessing going back to work has been for me. I have been working here and there since the bomb but until Sept. was mostly at home.

In December when this job is over I will be back at home full time. But the past few months has made me a better mom. First of all I am not hanging out with stay at home moms all day that are all married. There is definitely more acceptance about being separated at work then in the neighborhood.

Also interacting with men and the occasional harmless and subtle flirtation is great for my bruised ego. Learning to tell someone new every day about my sitch without assigning blame, wow – that has been huge for me.

I totally get why you want to be with your kids full time now and they do need that stability but they also need a mom that is statisfied with herself. Being at home is the freakin HARDEST job ever and it is so easy to lose your mind. Be careful not to sacrifice yourself for your kids.

One more thing about kids from broken homes. Our president no matter what you think of him politically is a successful man, successful in his career and his family. He was abandoned by his father and also in some ways his mother too, when she lived in Indoniasia and left him to be raised by his grand parents. I am sure it was not easy for him being of mixed background to be raised by Caucasian grandparents but apparently they instilled enough sense of self that he was able to overcome some difficult circumstances.

If you treat your kids like their lives are forever ruined because their Daddy doesn’t live with them, they will believe that their lives are ruined. This is something I struggle with, I want to show my girls even though things aren’t what we want them to be things are still great.

Look it breaks my heart when I hear D4 say “if I see a shooting star I am gonna wish my Daddy lives with us” but I want to show them a mom that can be happy even when things aren’t going the way I want them to.

“””I don't pray to have my M saved, I pray to have the strength and change and to stop caring and detaching.”””


You totally have the strength to detach you have already been through the hardest part of this terrible journey. What you need now are more tools not more strength.

Many on these boards have told you what tools to pick up, like go back to work or try online dating or get anti depressants. I really think you should try everything before giving reasons why it doesn’t work for you.

When you say you wont try online dating because you are still technically married and you consider yourself traditional, to me that sounds like you are not listening to your H. Your H does not consider himself married to you anymore.

The reason people suggest online dating is because it’s a tool. We don’t need to muster up the strength to overcome we need to pick up the right tools.

I have profiles on 3 online dating sites, I don’t even have a picture up. I have yet to go on a date and I know I am so not ready but surfing those sites has helped me inside somehow. Getting an email every couple days with pictures of my “matches” has helped me inside somehow. Getting a flirt every now and then has somehow helped me.

These small changes inside somehow add up over time and I am able to take a small step forward.

I like you am not there yet but today I know I am living in the best time of my life. I have already won the race – I have the 2 most beautiful gifts ever and I am so blessed to be their mommy. It blows my mind how much they love me and how luck I am to watch them grow.

Regarding the legal aspect of your sitch (some I read on the alt), I would tell him that you will have your lawyer draw up an agreement in accordance with California law and putting the kids first, as soon as possible and if he agrees to it everything will go smooth and fast.

It is insane that he blames you for the slowness when it took him over a year to do anything. It is crazy that he thinks you are spending all the money. It is ridiculous that he thinks he is being generous when he is stashing his money separately and talking about dividing gas, but these are all things we should laugh at together no need to call him out on it.

You have inspired me for months with your honesty and introspection. I hope this post reflects that respect.

Written with much love.

[bustingout]

BklynMom,

This was a beautiful post. It really brought tears to my eyes.

You are an inspiration as well.

[keep_going]

Denver, Arsene, Busting, Linz & BM

thank you all for stopping by, for your words of encouragement, for the support and for the faith you show in me. I am so very grateful to everyone who gives of their time and tries to make me feel better when you are all also going through your own situations and challenges.

BM - I agree with Busting - that was such a nice post and I send you a big hug. I am glad to see that things are going well for you.

I feel better now and I am taking steps to focus on the things I need to change and improve. I am taking to heart everyone's suggestions and am already following some of the advice.

Things will get better and have been getting better. As stuck as I am today, I have come a long way from when H dropped the bomb and left, and I am grateful for the small changes and steps I have taken to make my life better.

It's a process - I am aware of it, I am trying to be more patient with it and I know it will lead me to a better me.

Thanks again, guys.

[25yearsmlc]

Denver,

Thanks again for your advice. I don't mind you being so direct, on the contrary, I appreciate it. I'd rather someone be honest and give me a dose of reality than sugar coat it for me.

I agree with much of what you say, but have a couple of things I'd like to expand on. (See my comments in bold below...)

YOU NEED TO BEGIN TO LIVE LIFE AGAIN. For you, for your future... for your kids.

I agree with you 100%. No if's or but's...

1. Figure out how you are going to support yourself and your children. If you have to start looking for a new job, do it. You are a single mother now. That [censored], but again, it is reality.

My kids are very, very young and I want to stay at home until S1 goes to kindergarten. My H made a very, very good living and I expect that he will find a comparable job. Obviously if I have to go back to work before then, I will, but my priority is my kids, even if I sacrifice my lifestyle for a few years. One of my biggest mistakes was to neglect my M and family because of work and I won't make the same mistake again. With my H leaving, everything changed and I cannot also leave and have a nanny raise our kids through these difficult times, specially at their age where they can't really comprehend a lot of what is going on.

I have retained a L and based on the laws of CA, I could receive not only child support but also alimony based on the length of our M. With that, I can afford to stay home for a few years. After that, I do plan to go back to work. I have done it all my life and I actually enjoy working very much.


2. Start putting yourself out there. Start dating. You don't have to look at anything seriously. Just go out and have fun. Enjoy some male company. There are lots of nice guys out there KG. Open yourself up to being treated nicely.

I realize that this is probably in my future somewhere down the road. Yet I am nowhere near ready for this - I just don't find it remotely appealing or feel emotionally ready - unfortunately I still love my H very much. On the other hand, I am still married and don't believe in dating while I am. I know this is very old-fashioned, but that is just part of my value system.

Yet, as per my exchange with Acc, I agree that I need to get some of my needs fulfilled and recognize the need to socialize more and establish deeper connections with friends and relatives that can help me feel better about myself.

3. Stop letting your H's actions and words affect you. One of my favorite phrases of all time is "like water off a duck's back"... I said it to myself many times in the past 2 years.

- Work towards being DONE with this... begin to look towards the future.

Yes - it's all about the elusive detachment... Intellectually I get it, I just need to be in control of my emotions. That's where DBing comes in - Going dim, GAL, acting as if until one day I can wake up and realize I am there. As I said, I have gone through periods where I get stronger and closer, but then set myself up with unrealistic expectations, backslide and fail.

- I would follow through with the D. I'm sorry to say that, and I don't say it very often here. You have been doing this for a long time and your H has shown no intention of changing the course he is on.

The D WILL happen. There is nothing I can do to stop it and am not trying to at this point. There is no question that this is what my H wants. We will do a collaborative process where both agree to forgo litigation. We each have our own lawyer (we have both already retained one). The four of us will then sit down and try to negotiate the terms together, which should save us some money. None of the negotiations have happened yet, I am waiting for H to take the initiative there.

The trick to the collaborative process is that if in the end we don't come to a full agreement, we both have to then hire new lawyers and start all over again with a traditional litigation process. So we could end up spending twice as much. I do hope we can come to an agreement, but based on H's actions and what he initially proposed to me last year, we are worlds apart in what each wants. So we'll see.

- I'm not sure about your tax situation, but look into the 'innocent spouse' exception to the tax code. I don't know if it will help you, but it is there to use under certain circumstances.

I had not heard about that exception, so thanks for suggesting it! I will talk to my accountant about it.

5. Despite all of it though... let the anger go. Do that for yourself. Anger is mostly a useless emotion. It is founded in the true emotion of 'hurt'. Letting this go and detaching will ease this.

This is my #1 goal. Nothing is more important right now than beating this beast. Everything in my life depends on it. I get it and I am working on it. I also realize this will be a lifelong process for me, and as bug pointed out - it's how I have dealt with my emotions all my life and it will take some time to get there. Yet I won't give up. I can't.


Sometimes we have to resort to just saving ourselves and letting the cards fall where they may.

I was DONE. It was not a tactic. I want you to approach it that way too.

And I believe that once you actually take that first step forward, that you will only become stronger, and braver.

Denver, I understand what you are saying. Yet, in your sitch it was easier to take that first step because YOU WERE DONE. Unfortunately, I don't feel that I am done, so it's harder for me to stop the inertia, to break the limbo and to take that first step forward. Yes, there is a lot of fear involved, but I think I understand you - I AM STUCK. I can accept that and I intellectually get that if I don't do something to break out of this rut, I can remain stuck forever.
Believe me - I want to not be stuck. I don't pray to have my M saved, I pray to have the strength and change and to stop caring and detaching.

I am trying and I will not stop doing so. I think it's going back to square one, to the basics. Focus on myself, detach, going dim, GAL...

Denver, Thanks again for your honesty and candor. I needed it and I will come back and re-read your post often to keep me motivated.

You are welcome KG. Again, I commend you for how hard you have fought, and are still fighting, for your M. Regardless of the outcome, you will look back someday and be really proud of what you did during this time.

I completely get being 'stuck'. I was for a very long time. I think that becoming unstuck just takes time. It is different for each of us. It will come for you though. I also get that you are not DONE in the sense that I was when I did what I did. I get that. That also has to come in its own time.

Lastly, I am not trying to push you, or pressure you, into doing anything that you are not ready to do, ie, date etc. I am just trying to give you a nudge forward. I don't want to see anyone spend too much time in the limbo that I was in for so long... that I feel that you are in now.

I do believe that a whole new world will open up for you once you do begin to take those steps forward. And like in my sitch, you just never know what will happen.

KG,

I'm in California (not too too far from you) and am a L. For YOU, there is NO advantage to a collaborative approach to divorce. I'm SO SORRY you are making that choice as it goes against everything I think of, in your case.


If there is any chance to just use your own L and he uses his, I'd do that asap. You'll get a predictable amount and that's that. Why on earth would YOU take less than the law says?

What possibly motivates you that way? HE IS SPENDING FAMILY MONEY ON OW....

The only possible outcome is you'll get LESS than you are entitled to, which is why HE chose this. Why YOU chose it, I assume, was to keep the peace.

But that might end up meaning you will have to work MORE...so how's that for helping the sitch?

I think when he gets OW around ALL "their" kids, and they face some financial realities, she might not "continue" to be a Mother Teresa....

but we KNOW you'll be better off

b/c you'll have fewer worries and fears b/c you'll know what you have coming in. And you'll GAL, right?

As long as he is spending money that belongs to you and the kids, on OW, I don't see any advantage to not moving forward with the divorce.

Truly, the only way I see a recon happening with you two is if you get out of his way and let the cards fall where they fall, WHILE you keep doing your own work.

I agree with Denver's suggestions too....big time...

Hope we can get together sometime. Stay strong.

[keep_going]

25,

Thanks for stopping by again and for your advice. I actually agree with you 100%, but perhaps I was not clear about the L issue in my previous post.

If there is any chance to just use your own L and he uses his, I'd do that asap. You'll get a predictable amount and that's that. Why on earth would YOU take less than the law says?

I will have my own L. We each have retained one. We are not doing mediation, but collaboration, where we do a private divorce process and agree to forego going to court. We not only deal with our lawyers, but also with a financial specialist, child specialist and divorce coach. So it's more of a team of experts, rather than just Ls and they serve as advocates more for the family and the kids than H and I as individuals.

The whole idea is that you end up spending less $ in having the lawyers negotiate everything, and use it with these other specialists who are cheaper. After we meet with them and come to agreements, then the four of us (H, me and our respective Ls) sit down and put all the resolutions into the agreement.

I accepted to go this route because I do want our Ls to keep our children's best interests in mind and not just go with what H or I may want out of selfishness or anger. I wanted to have someone keep my motivations in check, if that makes sense.

The only possible outcome is you'll get LESS than you are entitled to, which is why HE chose this. Why YOU chose it, I assume, was to keep the peace.

My L and I have already looked at how the laws and formulas of CA would apply to my case. I am aware of what I am entitled to and will not accept less and that - period. H knows this already... I think the laws are there for a reason and I believe that following them is the fairest for both of us so I will not back down on that.

I think when he gets OW around ALL "their" kids, and they face some financial realities, she might not "continue" to be a Mother Teresa....

IDK... I guess time will tell, but I cannot focus on that. Sure it would be nice if that happened, but I have to continue my journey and not worry about them. Easier said than done, though...

but we KNOW you'll be better off
b/c you'll have fewer worries and fears b/c you'll know what you have coming in. And you'll GAL, right?

Yes...I do want to have all this financial sitch resolved and know what I will be getting so I can control my life. I am tired of feeling like I depend on him and his moods... As for the GAL, that is ongoing, always.

Truly, the only way I see a recon happening with you two is if you get out of his way and let the cards fall where they fall, WHILE you keep doing your own work.

I wished I had some hope, but I am at the point where I think it would take a miracle to happen for us to get back together. Yet that doesn't deter me - I have A LOT of work to do and this is a lifelong commitment to become the best version of myself I can; and if I ever have another R, I will never lose myself like that again.

Hope we can get together sometime. Stay strong.

Yes! Val actually reached out yesterday about that. We'll make it happen soon.

Thanks! (((((((25))))))))

[bustingout]

Hi KG,

I feel like you have turned a corner in the past two weeks. :-) You seem stronger, more focused and less 'stuck'. That makes me so happy for you :-)


Keep going KG. You inspire me SO much. I really, really hope we do get a chance to meet one day. It would be an honor. :-)

((((( )))))

[BklynMom]

Big hugs lady

It was interesting that you said to me "glad things are going better"

Nothing has actually changed for the better we are closed to d. The only thing that's changed is my perspective

[keep_going]

BK - yes, you sound a lot better - stronger and more at peace. And I am so happy for you...

I'm next!

(((((BK)))))