Am I kidding myself.

[Hopefull2]

MrBond, I can't answer why i did. Had been stewing on it for some time, couldn't get it out of my mind that i needed to say something, I had read in one of the archive posts that sometimes you have to "take a chance". Along the same lines of trial and error. I have no idea what will/won't work but i have had communications with her like this that seemed to open her up in the past. I think after reading what i emailed i got scared based on its tone, sounded desperate/pleading/persuing...

I recieved a very encouraging/positive email back from W last night;

From W:
"I appreciate your email, thank you. I want to start off by saying that I do know you care and I know that I have hurt you so deeply and I am sorry for this. I spend most of my nights sitting and wondering what went wrong and when. I can't come up with an answer to this and it really bothers me. I have lost all trust in people at this point so I try to figure things out in my own mind. At this point, I think that I have put a huge guard up.....
I think tho that the one thing I keep thinking of is I never really felt emotionally supported. I guess what I keep going back to in my mind is that I felt that you did not stand up for me. I took a lot of grief and _____________ with your mom, my mom, the church and never felt that I had you in my corner. Funny how you and I are so much alike in this that we will go to great lengths to avoid conflict. So much that I never told you how I felt. I always thought that you were doing everything you should as a husband and it was my "role" to sit back and let you take the lead and I be "submissive". Oh, how I was wrong. I wished I was a stronger person back then and spoke my voice loudly.
I am not saying that we never had any fun. We had have good times and have made many memories. I wish I could go back in time and figure out when we started to drift away from one another but I can't. I try to figure out when and where I went wrong as a wife and where I went wrong as a mother, but I can't. You say I have a lot of hurts that go deep, yep, you are absolutely correct and I don't know what to do with it all right now. I think that what I need right now from you is to find that friendship that we lost.
When you stop and think about it we have been through so much. More than a room full of people in a lifetime. If you go back and think about everything, it is very overwhelming. I have been making a list and it is just crazy. {she lists some of the things we have had to deal with that i would rather not post, just know that several of which were life changing for us and our kids and should have sent us all to counseling for help} Our "bumps" in the road are more like boulders in the road.
Alright, I am going to stop rambling right now. I guess you could say that this is a starting point for my communication to you. I only hope that you can try to understand and reason out what it is I am saying. When I left, I left because I was afraid of losing my friendship with you. I have said it before and I will continue to say it, I do not want to lose the friendship that we once had between us. I was scared and lonely.

This email was a big step for me. H, you did not come across as "pushy", just caring. Funny thing: I actually might look forward to your short trips back home, I might get a dinner and movie out of it. LOL H, let's continue to work on the friendship that we lost so long ago and see where it goes from there. Is that ok with you? "

After waiting for an hour to open this i had tears of relief and hope. I text W and said "you will always be my best friend :)"