Can anyone relate to this? Or what do you do in these types of situations?
Things have been better, and I'm grateful for that. Today H and I hung out a little bit together and he made me breakfast and he took me to look at a car he thought I'd like. I'm doing some work today on my computer but he's mostly been here and we've been spending time together. I'm extremely cautious because I'm hurting a lot inside. And it's still weird and a little awkward for me (probably for him too). He's not giving much in the way of emotion, although he is paying attention to me and bringing up the majority of our small talk.
The part I'm having trouble with is the no real connection thing. It's like we're two friends hanging out and I find it difficult today to pretend. I've been doing really well and keeping mute about all of these things I want to talk about - and its probably one of the hardest things I've had to do in this M!
There's nothing wrong per se, I just don't know how to act except to 'act as if' I'm ok, to keep doing what I'm doing and not go there with any qs right now. I so badly want to ask what his plan is - is he still moving out? Is he staying? Does he *%$ love me anymore? This feels like a big mind screw, and luckily I can write about it here as opposed to saying or doing something I'll regret.
We don't say ILY this past few weeks, there's no hugging, sleeping together, nothing. Usually by now we'd have been at least touching or holding hands. We were always interacting somehow. Now it's like a big 0.
Tomorrow will be better I'm sure, it always is. I think part of it is I don't feel well today, so I'm finding it tough to keep up the appearance that all is ok. I feel weak and vulnerable today and I don't like it.
So I've been going out a lot, 180ing, connecting with other people, doing good things for myself, etc. Tonight I was supposed to go out and I'm just not sure I'm up for it physically. I may have to force myself!
I've been reading this BB religiously, and I see myself in so many of you. (Not so much the veterans just yet!) I see that we're all mainly looking for the same things in our Rs and in our Ms. And we all feel pretty much the same way when that's threatened. We all have to keep putting the focus on ourselves. Today don't feel like doing it, but I'll still doing it.
I know he's in there somewhere, I just know it. I feel like he does still love me, or at least that's what I'd like to believe. I just find this whole thing very confusing on days like today.
Am I missing anything - is there anything else I should be doing?
Can it really feel this bad and then one day quite possibly swing the other way and become better than it was?
How do you give yourself strength and patience on days when you have none?
