Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part II)

[Wendylon]

I think for the kids' sake I'm leaning towards doing a "family" Christmas

As a child of divorced parents (the S started when I was 13), I hated family times. I remember a few 'fake' family Christmases. They felt like a tease and really artificial and tense. I knew that my father wished my mother would take him back. I'd feel angry with my mother and really sad that they couldn't get their act together. Since they seemed to get on, it seemed really selfish on my mother's part not to stay with my father. Every time we were together as a family it made me hope that they'd get back together but I'd feel low knowing that it was unlikely. I always felt worse after we'd all been together. It gave me a taste of how things could have been but weren't.

Even fairly recently, I was watching my mother and father walking down the street with my children and felt so sad that this was the only time that I'd ever seen them as grandparents together. I still miss out on them not being together. Usually, they are with their respective spouses and therefore not really that attentive or available to their grandchildren. My father's wife never had children and feels bitter about it so he tries to be sensitive to her feelings by not making his children/grandchildren too big a priority. (Or at least did--he has Alzheimer's now). My mother's latest husband is a full-time job. I still resent my parents for splitting up. My children miss out on having grandparents who can openly dote on them.

Make sure that your kids like the idea of a family Christmas before doing it for their sakes--especially if you'd rather not spend it with your W. If they do like the idea, make sure that it's not just because they think it will increase the chances of a reconciliation between you. Your children may be completely different from the way I felt but you can't take for granted that they'd prefer a family Christmas under the circumstances. Obviously, they'd love a true family Christmas but maybe not an effortful/artificial one.