The Lure of the Siren

[25yearsmlc]

I question my DBing this evening.

I got home and D8 was in her room crying. I calmly ask W what had happened and apparently D8 had been yelling and having tantrums and even hitting the maid. I just couldn't understand what had happened as she has been consistently good for the last few months, doing what she has to do when she has to do it and behaving well in every way.

W said that it's always that way and that she didn't understand why. She said that even in the past D8 had always behaved badly when I wasn't around but would calm down when I was around. She used to think that D8 was afraid of me but lately, that can't be the reason. I wanted to tell wife that perhaps D8 sees me as a responsible parent while she sees her (W) as a teenager and a buddy, but I didn't. At one point, while I was calmly asking about the situation, W got on the defensive and I assured her that I was in no way criticizing her, that I simply wished to know what the problem was. This calmed her down.
--- She darted out without speaking and I went to make sure D8 had all she needed for an overnight stay.

It looked to me like W was about to leave without saying goodbye and I went to the door to ask her calmly when she thought she would drop D8 off. There we had a "normal" talk for a bit but I could see that W was tense. In the end, I wished her a good gig and walked in without looking back. By the time I'd come back out with D8 W was around the corner getting in the car. D8 then followed on her own.

B/C wife was angry...at d. This isn't about you.

I don't know if it's the distance I've created recently that is the cause of this

it's NOT.

and I'm not sure what it means and how to handle it from here. How should I read all of this renewed anger?

it's NOT 'renewed anger" that I see in this post. Unless you're leaving something out, it's not about you at all.

--- Besides, is this really what I want? What is going on in her head right now? Am I helping my situation or am I making it worse?

Little to NONE of this has to do with you. It's about a d having a tantrum and being difficult.

That happens. It gets frustrating. And while you always seem to read into what d does (always making it about w's choices) the fact is, sometimes kids are just bratty. Sometimes adults are.

Maybe d's previous "great behavior" was to please you and try to fix the marriage and keep the family together, but as she realizes it's fruitless, she gets more frustrated.

OR MAYBE she's just a little girl who didn't get a nap, or had too much sugar or is a little girl with her own backslides....or whatever...

Don't over analyze. It'll paralyze. Don't make it about you all the time Arsene.

You stood up for yourself and need not validate every opinion verbally.

At times, more discussion does NOT lessen tension.

Sometimes you just have to back off and let someone let off their steam - but you get out of the way so you are not burned by it.

Make sense?