Studies in Feral Cats, part 4

[TSquared2]

Thank you Snodderly, hrm and rH!

I appreciate the compliments (I'm learning how to do that better these days).

nero -- Your communication issue is going to be difficult because H is in mlc, so he lies to himself about current things, past things, he may consciously believe his lies. I remember W saying something about the past, and the kids and I just looking at each other thinking, wth? They challenged her that she was happy during the event, she denied, they persisted, she ended up just saying "Well, that wasn't the real me!" That she had been happy then did not fit with her current mind frame, so deny, lie, whatever...her current mind set was NOT to be challenged. That's where the believe nothing they say comes into play.

Moving on to men and talking, especially about feelings...we can and will, but for many/most men (and maybe a lot of people), we don't open up the feelings door unless we are convinced that we will be heard and listened to regarding the every stuff. If that is proven, then we can risk the emotional/feelings stuff...make sense? Have you really "listened" to H in the past consistently? For example, I would talk to my W about work, but she isn't into engineering and science, so I would see her eyes glaze over while I was talking, she would start noticing the cobweb in the corner, whatever...so I quit talking about work. I wasn't being listened to. Or, she would wait for a pause (sometimes) and then take over the conversation with her stuff and go off on all these tangents, etc and whatever I had been talking about was long forgotten...I felt like "Why did I even bother to try and include her in my day? And she says I don't talk enough, well heck, I try, but get run over..."

Another thing, are you interested in something he is passionate about? If not, can you spend a few minutes a day becoming familiar with it so you can ask him knowledgeable questions to show that you value what he is interested in? Heck, all of us humans like it when people ask us and listen to us talk about things we are passionate about, right?

Also, I was a crappy listener the past few years for W because as W was talking I was thinking of how I could fix her problem, or make it better, or whatever...I wasn't giving her my full attention as I was pre-occupied with what I was going to say next. I have changed this within myself, I listen fully and keep my own thoughts at bay. I read somewhere that a good communicator listens 70% of the time, talks 30%...seems to be working for me so far, both in home life with W and the kids, to work life, etc.

I distilled all that down to this simple axiom: "T^2, STFU. Just S.T.F.U"

Here is a quote from a Psych Today article that helped me see where I was lacking in my listening skills:

1. Listen

Listening sounds like a pretty easy thing to do. We do it every day, right? I used to think I was a good listener but I know now I was an okay listener. When friends talked to me I couldn't escape my thoughts. Rather than focusing on what they were saying, what I was sensing from them or what they might need from me, I focused on what I was going to say. Oftentimes, I interrupted them to say it.

The things I said often weren't even for their benefit. For example, if I heard something that made me uncomfortable or even triggered me, I wanted to reassure them and end the conversation. So I would say, "Well, I wouldn't worry about that" or, "That's no big deal." But they were worrying about it and it was a big deal to them. In my effort to reassure, I didn't listen at all. I dismissed their concerns.

I still do this, but a lot less often. I know the difference between really listening to someone and just kind of listening but mostly focusing on my feelings. Now, I try--admittedly not always successfully--but I try to really listen. I started learning how to do this in therapy when I noticed that the psychiatrist with whom I worked listened so well. On the rare occasions when his listening skills weren't their sharpest I noticed how different my time with him felt.

I learned about listening in a more profound way from my partner. I experienced through her what it felt like to have someone you care about really hear you. It's an amazing feeling to not be brushed away. I know she works at being a good listener, but she is also a keen observer. She can sit and listen and doesn't seem to be anywhere else than with the person to whom she's talking. She doesn't typically go to her fear to respond or need to end the conversation. She can tolerate the pain the person is in to be in it with them, without being pulled into it.

By watching and talking with her I have become a better listener. Not as good as I want to be, but I keep trying. As I get better, people seem to feel more comfortable sharing their thoughts with me. People talk about their anxiety, fear, and despair and I am better able to wash away my fears, my anxiety, and my uncertainty to focus on them. I have found that when we listen intently without a need to do something about what we're hearing, people will share more with us.

When we ask survivors to speak out against their abuse, we have to know how to listen, really listen.

Hope that helps some, nero.



T^2