Hey AS. I wanted to add my thanks to everyone else's here. You have really taken a lot of time to help people on the board. Your insights are really helpful, even when it's someone else's sitch.
The x-mas thing is tough. Fast forward a year or two....if you are with OW and she is with OM, do you think you'll be getting together on x-mas for the kids sake?
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
My biggest concern all along has been that I would move along and THEN W would want to come back.
I am totally with you on this....our sitches are different, but I still feel like this is how it will go.
I also couldn't agree more with the fear of moving on, only to have w want to work it out. I am wondering that when the time comes and we are actually ready to move on, will it matter then if they do want to come back?
Personally I feel there will always be a part of me that wants the mother of my children back.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
AS, I'm glad you brought up the "family time" thing.
My WAS wants to have "family day" every Sunday together.
On the one hand it feels weird; on the other it feels natural. For now I'm choosing to "allow" this, but if OW comes into picture I'll have to really rethink this.
We are doing Thanksgiving and Christmas day together "as a family", but as I said to you before you are MUCH further in the DBing process than I am...so maybe I'll be there for Easter (?)!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
AS, I'm glad you brought up the "family time" thing.
My WAS wants to have "family day" every Sunday together.
On the one hand it feels weird; on the other it feels natural. For now I'm choosing to "allow" this, but if OW comes into picture I'll have to really rethink this.
We are doing Thanksgiving and Christmas day together "as a family", but as I said to you before you are MUCH further in the DBing process than I am...so maybe I'll be there for Easter (?)!
That is certainly something to be thankful for. For us, we have separate plans for the kids for the holidays.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
AS, I'm glad you brought up the "family time" thing.
My WAS wants to have "family day" every Sunday together.
On the one hand it feels weird; on the other it feels natural. For now I'm choosing to "allow" this, but if OW comes into picture I'll have to really rethink this.
We are doing Thanksgiving and Christmas day together "as a family", but as I said to you before you are MUCH further in the DBing process than I am...so maybe I'll be there for Easter (?)!
My w and I have been having the occasional family day and it made me happy at first but it started taking it's toll on me. I wasn't able to detach and got my hopes up as we were behaving like a normal family on these days. W even admitted on several occasions that she'd had a good time, initiated more family days, came around more often, talked more openly. She "liked" family pictures posted on FB, told me she enjoyed talking to me and one day, I just had to ask and Booom! Back to square one.
Just be careful and don't expect anything, no matter what it looks like. I think WAS do it for their own benefit. they do miss the family life, but they don't want the responsibility that comes with a family. Mind you, in many ways, I did enjoy them as well as it gave me a chance to show off my 180s, and notice she did! Good and bad I guess.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Well my C has suggested that we have "family time" once a week and then do the holidays the same throughout the S. This is very beneficial for my children but are you saying that it is not a good thing for either? Maybe the W would think twice about things if she realized what this is really all about if we are apart during the holidays...sometimes I think she is all for the family get togethers is that she thinks it will lessen the pain on the kids and make her look more acceptable....
I just don't know what to do about this also I would like to add to AS is that you might just be on a rollercoaster right now...there have been times when I was thinking well I don't need W and things would be much better without her...only to find the next week that I am missing her...just saying...
...there have been times when I was thinking well I don't need W and things would be much better without her...only to find the next week that I am missing her...just saying...
I have wavered back and forth and I am noticing that the pendulum swing was hours and then days and now weeks. Perhaps my pendulum will slow to a stop. I wonder which side I will be on. I am hoping I can let it swing for a much longer ride yet and suspect we are all here for that same reason. We have hope and desire to have a new M with our spouses.
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
Got a reply back from W on my email regarding talking about the holidays and she basically just agreed that we need to talk about it. I saw her last night as she took D16 to get her nails done (I have the kids this week), but I didn't bring it up and neither did she. We just made some small talk. I've pretty much decided not to go to MIL's for Thanksgiving and already told W in the email, so we don't really need to discuss this until Christmas is closer. I think for the kids' sake I'm leaning towards doing a "family" Christmas even though I think I'd be happy without W around for it. But I'll let W stew for a while on the fact that I told her I didn't want to.
Originally Posted By: someguy1233
AS, I just wanted to jump in your thread and say THANK YOU.
And thank you for the positive comments, I appreciate it!
Originally Posted By: theUF
She left. If we can't renconcile, then this will be the reality sooner or later anyway. I haven't dropped the rope. I still care for her.
Same here, I do care for her and would love nothing more than for her to move back in for a "normal" Christmas. But since that's not going to happen, what would be best for ME and I think for W too would be to not spend it together. But I think it would be best for the kids if we do spend it together. I have to always be mindful that they're hurting too.
Quote:
Do you think it would be akward? That maybe you kids would pick up the tension? Or maybe there is not a lot of tension?
We've spent a lot of time together since S and it hasn't been awkward, but it is painful being around this cold and indifferent version of W. I look at her and remember the warm and loving W that I spent 25 years with, but she's possessed by this ice princess that stole her body 5 months ago. I don't like being around her now and I think she needs to be away from me more to ever have a chance of thawing.
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
Hey AS. I wanted to add my thanks to everyone else's here. You have really taken a lot of time to help people on the board. Your insights are really helpful, even when it's someone else's sitch.
The x-mas thing is tough. Fast forward a year or two....if you are with OW and she is with OM, do you think you'll be getting together on x-mas for the kids sake?
Thank you! If I have an OW then regardless of whether she has an OM I would most assuredly say we will not get together at Christmas. Maybe for birthdays, but even that's a big "maybe". It's painful to think about ending up there though. We've always been really big on the holidays, massive decorating both inside the house and out, cookies, gingerbread houses, visiting family, tons of presents. I'm still going to do most of that, but it's not going to be the same without W. Fun, but not the same.
Originally Posted By: eyesopen
I also couldn't agree more with the fear of moving on, only to have w want to work it out. I am wondering that when the time comes and we are actually ready to move on, will it matter then if they do want to come back?
Personally I feel there will always be a part of me that wants the mother of my children back.
It's a tough question to answer because it deals with how we'll feel in the future versus now. I do know that my mom was a WAW and tried to return after 6 months or so and my dad was extremely angry about it and rejected her. My FIL said his first W was a WAW and she tried to return after 2 years (!!!) and he had long since moved on and felt nothing for her. In both cases there were kids involved, but the feelings were gone. Love is a funny thing. Our W's loved us unconditionally at some point and lost the love. The same could easily happen to us.
Originally Posted By: turtlegirl
My WAS wants to have "family day" every Sunday together.
On the one hand it feels weird; on the other it feels natural. For now I'm choosing to "allow" this, but if OW comes into picture I'll have to really rethink this.
We are doing Thanksgiving and Christmas day together "as a family", but as I said to you before you are MUCH further in the DBing process than I am...so maybe I'll be there for Easter (?)!
I know what you mean. It feels natural to me because it feels like things are back to normal. When we did stuff together before BD we didn't maul each other in public, so when we do stuff together now it's basically no different. But then it IS different because we're going home to separate houses and sleeping in separate beds. You have to go with your heart, if you feel that getting together isn't hurting you or your DB'ing then keep it up. It is good for the kids. But for me the more distance there is with my W the more I feel better about myself. So it's getting to be a balancing act.
Originally Posted By: Grateful
That is certainly something to be thankful for. For us, we have separate plans for the kids for the holidays.
That's the destiny for all of us if our M's don't recover unfortunately.
Originally Posted By: Arsene
My w and I have been having the occasional family day and it made me happy at first but it started taking it's toll on me. I wasn't able to detach and got my hopes up as we were behaving like a normal family on these days.
Right, I think that's a lot of what bothers me about it is it feels like W WANTS her old life back. So it does give hope. And yet...
Quote:
I just had to ask and Booom! Back to square one.
This. LOL!
Originally Posted By: 7720
Well my C has suggested that we have "family time" once a week and then do the holidays the same throughout the S. This is very beneficial for my children but are you saying that it is not a good thing for either?
It can be bad for the kids if the spouses tend to get in big fights, but that's not the case with us.
Quote:
Maybe the W would think twice about things if she realized what this is really all about if we are apart during the holidays...
Right. Like the old timers around here often say, "she's got to learn to miss you at some point". And if you're together all the time that'll never happen. Not that one Christmas get-together would ruin that.
Quote:
I just don't know what to do about this also I would like to add to AS is that you might just be on a rollercoaster right now...there have been times when I was thinking well I don't need W and things would be much better without her...only to find the next week that I am missing her...just saying...
Good point and one that I want to seriously consider, one of the reasons I didn't try to have that talk with her yet
Originally Posted By: NickB
I have wavered back and forth and I am noticing that the pendulum swing was hours and then days and now weeks. Perhaps my pendulum will slow to a stop. I wonder which side I will be on.
Great analogy Nick, that is very much what it is like! Sometimes it's irregular though, swings one way a week and then back the other way a day. That's what throws me off, LOL!
A.S. I think you are on a good path on letting W "stew" a little on the Holiday plans...
As for the fear that we will move on and then W decides to come back, I fear this as well. In fact W told me this past MC session that "It would be so hard for her to leave and see you figure your sh!t out with someone else". It was a shock to hear and even more motivated to prove that I can change right now. I do know this though, I have soooooooo many mutual friends who have re-married and are happier than they ever have been. Thats not to say that they do not miss part of their former partnerships but they have all told me that they are better people because of the change.
There is no such thing as a "soulmate" or and "only one", time and time again I see this proven right in front of me.
However as of last MC session my sitch took a nice turn to the good, I didn't expect it to happen especially after W being so cold since returning from her "retreat". I will tell you now that even though she might be the ice queen right now my W is proof that anyone can thaw especially if we show a TRUE positive direction.
I have enjoyed reading your sitch and how you deal with your daily surprises. It is very motivating to see on here someone who is maintaining as well as you are. Thanks for all your help and when I can return the favors I will.. Your posts motivate me to get my lazy a$$ in gear some days... Keep it up!
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
She left. If we can't renconcile, then this will be the reality sooner or later anyway. I haven't dropped the rope. I still care for her.
Same here, I do care for her and would love nothing more than for her to move back in for a "normal" Christmas. But since that's not going to happen, what would be best for ME and I think for W too would be to not spend it together. But I think it would be best for the kids if we do spend it together. I have to always be mindful that they're hurting too.
Sounds like a sane conclusion. If you get along and the kids will enjoy it then go for it. For me though, it's a bit too fresh and akward right now. I don't even think she would go for it.
Quote:
Do you think it would be akward? That maybe you kids would pick up the tension? Or maybe there is not a lot of tension?
We've spent a lot of time together since S and it hasn't been awkward, but it is painful being around this cold and indifferent version of W. I look at her and remember the warm and loving W that I spent 25 years with, but she's possessed by this ice princess that stole her body 5 months ago. I don't like being around her now and I think she needs to be away from me more to ever have a chance of thawing.
For sure! Just 10 minutes ago I was having the same feeling. My X was here and we talked for half an hour. Everytime we got along/joked around a tad bit too much(by her standards anyway) I could notice how she suddenly backed up and became more distant again. Lol
That's one thing that always makes me chuckle a bit though. You can think "wow, my sitch/spouse is completely nuts", but then you read a post on here and realize it's pretty common.
Originally Posted By: NickB
I have wavered back and forth and I am noticing that the pendulum swing was hours and then days and now weeks. Perhaps my pendulum will slow to a stop. I wonder which side I will be on.
Great analogy Nick, that is very much what it is like! Sometimes it's irregular though, swings one way a week and then back the other way a day. That's what throws me off, LOL!
This is a challange. It's hard to make big decisions when what you think you want changes from day to day, week to week. It's what's got me in a bit of a halt right now.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
