Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part II)

[AnotherStander]

Got a reply back from W on my email regarding talking about the holidays and she basically just agreed that we need to talk about it. I saw her last night as she took D16 to get her nails done (I have the kids this week), but I didn't bring it up and neither did she. We just made some small talk. I've pretty much decided not to go to MIL's for Thanksgiving and already told W in the email, so we don't really need to discuss this until Christmas is closer. I think for the kids' sake I'm leaning towards doing a "family" Christmas even though I think I'd be happy without W around for it. But I'll let W stew for a while on the fact that I told her I didn't want to.

AS, I just wanted to jump in your thread and say THANK YOU.

And thank you for the positive comments, I appreciate it!

She left. If we can't renconcile, then this will be the reality sooner or later anyway.
I haven't dropped the rope.
I still care for her.

Same here, I do care for her and would love nothing more than for her to move back in for a "normal" Christmas. But since that's not going to happen, what would be best for ME and I think for W too would be to not spend it together. But I think it would be best for the kids if we do spend it together. I have to always be mindful that they're hurting too.

Do you think it would be akward?
That maybe you kids would pick up the tension? Or maybe there is not a lot of tension?

We've spent a lot of time together since S and it hasn't been awkward, but it is painful being around this cold and indifferent version of W. I look at her and remember the warm and loving W that I spent 25 years with, but she's possessed by this ice princess that stole her body 5 months ago. I don't like being around her now and I think she needs to be away from me more to ever have a chance of thawing.

Hey AS. I wanted to add my thanks to everyone else's here. You have really taken a lot of time to help people on the board. Your insights are really helpful, even when it's someone else's sitch.

The x-mas thing is tough. Fast forward a year or two....if you are with OW and she is with OM, do you think you'll be getting together on x-mas for the kids sake?

Thank you! If I have an OW then regardless of whether she has an OM I would most assuredly say we will not get together at Christmas. Maybe for birthdays, but even that's a big "maybe". It's painful to think about ending up there though. We've always been really big on the holidays, massive decorating both inside the house and out, cookies, gingerbread houses, visiting family, tons of presents. I'm still going to do most of that, but it's not going to be the same without W. Fun, but not the same.

I also couldn't agree more with the fear of moving on, only to have w want to work it out. I am wondering that when the time comes and we are actually ready to move on, will it matter then if they do want to come back?

Personally I feel there will always be a part of me that wants the mother of my children back.

It's a tough question to answer because it deals with how we'll feel in the future versus now. I do know that my mom was a WAW and tried to return after 6 months or so and my dad was extremely angry about it and rejected her. My FIL said his first W was a WAW and she tried to return after 2 years (!!!) and he had long since moved on and felt nothing for her. In both cases there were kids involved, but the feelings were gone. Love is a funny thing. Our W's loved us unconditionally at some point and lost the love. The same could easily happen to us.

My WAS wants to have "family day" every Sunday together.

On the one hand it feels weird; on the other it feels natural. For now I'm choosing to "allow" this, but if OW comes into picture I'll have to really rethink this.

We are doing Thanksgiving and Christmas day together "as a family", but as I said to you before you are MUCH further in the DBing process than I am...so maybe I'll be there for Easter (?)!

I know what you mean. It feels natural to me because it feels like things are back to normal. When we did stuff together before BD we didn't maul each other in public, so when we do stuff together now it's basically no different. But then it IS different because we're going home to separate houses and sleeping in separate beds. You have to go with your heart, if you feel that getting together isn't hurting you or your DB'ing then keep it up. It is good for the kids. But for me the more distance there is with my W the more I feel better about myself. So it's getting to be a balancing act.

That is certainly something to be thankful for. For us, we have separate plans for the kids for the holidays.

That's the destiny for all of us if our M's don't recover unfortunately.

My w and I have been having the occasional family day and it made me happy at first but it started taking it's toll on me. I wasn't able to detach and got my hopes up as we were behaving like a normal family on these days.

Right, I think that's a lot of what bothers me about it is it feels like W WANTS her old life back. So it does give hope. And yet...

I just had to ask and Booom! Back to square one.

This. LOL!

Well my C has suggested that we have "family time" once a week and then do the holidays the same throughout the S. This is very beneficial for my children but are you saying that it is not a good thing for either?

It can be bad for the kids if the spouses tend to get in big fights, but that's not the case with us.

Maybe the W would think twice about things if she realized what this is really all about if we are apart during the holidays...

Right. Like the old timers around here often say, "she's got to learn to miss you at some point". And if you're together all the time that'll never happen. Not that one Christmas get-together would ruin that.

I just don't know what to do about this also I would like to add to AS is that you might just be on a rollercoaster right now...there have been times when I was thinking well I don't need W and things would be much better without her...only to find the next week that I am missing her...just saying...

Good point and one that I want to seriously consider, one of the reasons I didn't try to have that talk with her yet

I have wavered back and forth and I am noticing that the pendulum swing was hours and then days and now weeks. Perhaps my pendulum will slow to a stop. I wonder which side I will be on.

Great analogy Nick, that is very much what it is like! Sometimes it's irregular though, swings one way a week and then back the other way a day. That's what throws me off, LOL!