Realistic Optimist Hard At Work

[Just A Guy]

MC session was easily the most emotionally charged session we have had... It also was the first session W said she does not want to leave the marriage but she cannot be married to someone who cannot open up and be emotionally open and vulnerable with her... W told me soooooooo much in this session but it's late and I need to process it..

MC wants me to start spitting out my emotions when we are together about anything from road rage to seeing puppy dogs.. lots to do...

[Just A Guy]

So I wanted to summarize some of the things I vividly remember on here as to no forget what went down at the MC session yesterday..

1) W said she does not want to leave M, that the retreat she took did not give her clarity of a sure direction like she wanted.

2) W specifically said that in order for us to have passion again we need to have friction, in the form of anything from me opening up to her emotionally to having good debates, arguments etc...

3) MC nailed down the passionate times we have had and the friction that helped cause them. This was a point where I saw W really get into the session.

4) W cried to me saying that all she wanted when she told me about OM and how she felt was to get some form of emotion out of me. I had emotions but they didnt come out. I didnt cry, hug her, get angry or anything else... I just sat there with a blank face as I processed it all.. In fact I have only cried ONCE since this whole thing went down and that was to a friend of mine, I quickly suppressed the tears... Whats wrong with me?!?!? I couldnt even cry in front of W at my grandmothers funeral... In fact as I write this I see how emotionally void I have been all these years.. How could anyone love someone who expresses no emotions??

5) W was super emphatic about having another session, like more into getting back to our MC than I have ever seen.

6) MC spent an extra half hour of her own time explaining that W needs to see me and ALL of my emotions I am feeling, that if I cannot open up and show her my emotions this will not get better but if I can it is the key to getting back to a passionate relationship..

As I sit here writing this right now I feel so sad for some reason... Hopeful but sad, and mad at myself, W has told me so many times what she needed from me earlier in our R but I never heeded... I hope its not to late, she truly is a great woman..

[AnotherStander]

Wow, sounds like a fantastic development with W!!

I understand about the supression of emotions, you were probably raised like I was that showing emotions is the sign of a wussy and you need to suck it up and be a "man". So we go through life cramming all that stuff way down deep inside and then it comes boiling out in the form of rage at the most inopportune moments. I've learned a lot about emotions and feelings since BD and have a lot of tools for addressing it now. Unfortunately in my case it seems to be too late to use it in my M. Sounds like it's not too late for you, good luck!

[labug]

Dude, you may have been handed the post of gold!

It sounds like you have a good MC

W cried to me saying that all she wanted when she told me about OM and how she felt was to get some form of emotion out of me. I had emotions but they didnt come out. I didnt cry, hug her, get angry or anything else... I just sat there with a blank face as I processed it all.. In fact I have only cried ONCE since this whole thing went down and that was to a friend of mine, I quickly suppressed the tears... Whats wrong with me?!?!? I couldnt even cry in front of W at my grandmothers funeral... In fact as I write this I see how emotionally void I have been all these years.. How could anyone love someone who expresses no emotions??


Heed this, big time. I had an EA a long time ago and it was all about trying to get my H's attention and feeling wanted and desired. (Sick, I know) I liked being pursued and when we got married the pursuit stopped. Your W may feel the same way, it's all rote and routine now

And yes, you need to go slowly but your W needs all of you, now just the parts you feel she can handle. You aren't being fair because you're keeping part of yourself, a very important part, away from her.

I've had this posted on my bulletin board since soon after my H left: Pretending that painful or negative feelings do not exist doesn't keep relationships more intimate. It can even create inner distance when I act as if the intimate R is not strong enough to hold pain, anger or hate. Powerful feelings can be frightening, but denying their presence keeps me from deeper layers of self. When my intimate Rs are able to hold the powerful, paradoxical feelings of love and hate, anger and forgiveness, something deep within me can relax and let go. If they are not able to do this, I need to withdraw from the R in order to be myself.

I can hold angst.

DO NOT look this gift horse in the mouth.

[labug]

I left a sentence out-

Heed this, big time. I had an EA a long time ago and it was all about trying to get my H's attention and feeling wanted and desired. (Sick, I know) I liked being pursued and when we got married the pursuit stopped. Heed this, big time. I had an EA a long time ago and it was all about trying to get my H's attention and feeling wanted and desired. (Sick, I know) I liked being pursued and when we got married the pursuit stopped. All the emotion was gone, good or bad. Your W may feel the same way, it's all rote and routine now
.

[Just A Guy]

Thanks for all that LA.... Ever since I spit all this out on here this morning I have had this choked up teary eyed feeling... I cannot believe how long I have been suppressing these feelings, even before my W. Its absolutely NUTS! I know I have to start letting them out, maybe this will release some of the crazy knots in my back!

How do I start letting them out in front of W?? I have been holding them in for so long.....

[labug]

Go slow. Do you have an IC? A good one can help you with this.

Subguy just posted some powerful insight on his thread.

When you know better, you do better.

Have you read How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It? It opened my eyes to my part in poor communication.

Adinva, whom I have great respect for, likes the book Family Communication by Sven Wahlroos. I haven't read it but plan to.

Keep posting.

[Just A Guy]

I will keep posting... I will also be looking for an IC.. Even if M doesn't work out I still need to figure this out. W was in tears and she said "Whats it going to take for you to let me in? Are you going to wait till I leave and then figure it out for your next R? Why would you want to do that when I am still here right now?"

Sigh...

[labug]

OMG, I said almost those same words to my H at one point.

Maybe start out by saying "I'm afraid of losing you, this is new territory for me but I want to change because you and this M are the most important things in the world to me."

Come up with a plan and share it with her.

[Just A Guy]

Thanks LA... I am thinking of a plan.. The MC said the first plan is to just tell her what I am feeling as soon as I am feeling it... All the good feelings along with the nervous ones and the angry ones.. Then on top of that I need to SHOW emotion around her..