AS I think there is part of me that is really tired of being in limbo and misses companionship.
I totally understand, I feel the same way and I'm only 5 months in since BD. Some people can put up with this stuff indefinitely. Others can't put up with it for a week. I don't think anyone would blame you for dropping the rope after a year, that's an admirable effort.
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I took the money order back to the bank today and deposited it so I know I'm not ready to D but I know I can't stop her if that's what she truly wants.
Well unfortunately none of us can stop the D process, it only takes one to accomplish it. But I feel like there's emotional D, spiritual D and physical D. For me, emotional D happens before the spouse walks, it's the infamous BD. Once they're out the door then we have spiritual D, in the sense that they've rejected the vows they made to God. Physical D is really just a technicality, a tearing up of the legal document filed with the government. The first two have already happened to me, I could care less about the 3rd because my M is already dead. I hope we can build a new M someday, only time will tell. But I would see that as a new emotional and spiritual M, not a restoration of the old one.
