New to DB and Clearly Oblivious to My "Horrible" M

[NickB]

Journaling and potential pieces for 180s revealing themselves:

W started a relationship talk last night that potentially offers a few new clues to me for potential 180s. I say potentially because some of the things she mentioned contradicted each other so I am not sure if she was just throwing things out to get reactions or if she was trying to tell me something and didn't know how.

Over the course of the conversation we covered a lot of ground. Most of it anger filled but some of the highlights are below which I could use some help deciphering.

The conversation started with her saying that she does not see things getter better between us and she is tired if trying to hard and pretending everything is OK. I tried to validate by recognizing that she sounded frustrated and I understood why she would feel that way. Wen I asked her to tell me more about the frustration she is feeling she said that in two weeks there has been no changes made between us. She sees me as being happy and living life and acting like what is happening between us doesn't matter. To her this is pretending and she doesn't want to pretend.

I tried my best to validate but didn't want to confirm we are pretending anything so I could only offer that it sounds like the last few weeks have been confusing. She said that she was expecting more change between us but she just isn't feeling any different after two weeks of trying.

W also mentioned that she is disappointed that I have not been doing little things for her like bringing her coffee in the morning, or showing that I am thinking of her in any way. I validated her feelings, but internally and puzzled because I dont want to show signs of pursuit.

She then said she was disappointed that I have not made any big overture of any type. I started to slide off DB'ing and mentioned that she wanted space and time and I thought any types of overtures would bring too much pressure or presumption into the relationship at this point. I also mentioned that I understood if she was disappointed, but the last MC session we had she specifically said she wanted to make the next move in the relationship which would be a plan to spend alone time together -- perhaps dinner. I did not want to push this because she was very specific when the MC asked her the question: "Do you want H or W to plan this. She said she wanted to to ensure I had no expectations. She then said that I blew a great opportunity for some type of overture and she shouldn't have to teach me what she wants. I should just know. The OM knew without asking.

I am grasping onto DB at this point and not getting upset or raising my voice but internally I am puzzled.

She also said I am making her decisions easier by not choosing to move into the basement as she requested. Again I validated her feelings here but mentioned that I was not interested in leaving the relationship or the bedroom. Thi sonly enraged the situation further.The venom usually starts with statements such as:

- I have wasted 6.5 years of my life in this M and am tired of trying. (note, several weeks ago this quote used to reference 2 years, then it changed to 5 years, then to 6 and now to 6.5. It is progressing in the wrong direction -- or what I would consider the wrong direction anyway)

- You have a job and health insurance. I have nothing to my name and cannot even support my own kids.

- You are making the decision to divorce easier by not moving down to the basement.

- I can see you are going to make this D hard on us. (note, we went several weeks without the mention of D and I heard this 4 times in the span of this one conversation).

Here is where DB'ing has run flat for me -- or perhaps where I am not practicing it correctly. When I listen and try to validate the anger and disappointment at this point, she sees it as condescending and tells me to stop all the "psychiatric BS." I need to find a new way to validate or new words to use.

She called me ignorant and left the room.

I will note that in our many years together I cannot think of a time where my W resorted to name calling of any kind. I was caught off guard. Not because it hurt because this is one comment I didnt take personally and know she is angry, but strange the end felt like a 2 minute fight between teenagers.

I am puzzled on some 180s but somewhere in here are some clues for me.