And feeling like I can't talk to people I use to call family. It [censored]. What's worse, I did it to myself during the limbo stage. I did it willingly and I don't regret it. At all. I had to try.
My personal take regarding the in-laws, and I have my reservations, might be coming from protecting myself more than them. Part of it comes from wanting to go away and not be a source of awkwardness/discomfort when my W starts bringing the OM around if she hasn't already. The other part is that much of my anger comes from the feelings of betrayal towards my W and thinking about the OM hanging out with the in-laws I love so much is a feeling of betrayal I don't want to have. I understand that life moves on and they are entitled to enjoy his company as much as they did mine. I guess it's just part of the emotional process on my part. But what was it for you that kept you away from the in-laws, by choice and what did you mean by having to try?
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Once that was over and became more silent, the emotions came. For both me and my ex.
In what context? Going dark or just doing everything possible to not be within 100 yards of her?
I've been silent for months since she moved out. My W still seems the same 21 yr old (as I would expect). Since I've become more angry and depressed and can't really make eye contact for more than a fleeting moment, she's picking up on it and staying away from me when at the kids activities. When I drop the kids off at our meeting place, you'd think I was running the 50yrd dash. I hurry up and give the kids a hug and say goodbye and get in the car and take off, almost peeling out. My (ex)W has had a word with me about that a few times now. She wants the kids to see that just because we're getting D, doesn't mean we hate each other and can be friends ( UGH! How nauseous. ). I know that she's right and it's what's important in regards to our kids. But for right now I can't shake her words from mind/heart..."I deserve to be happy and I'm not getting any younger." I want to forget she ever said that and for a while there I did, but I can't shake it right now.
Speaking of my behavior when I drop off the kids, last night was an exception. Every morning I carry S7 out of the backseat of her car because it's really early and he's not dressed yet. I don't speak to my (ex)W. She will roll down her window and make a point to say something like "I said goodbye." I will reply in kind and quickly turn away. Last night when I dropped the kids off, I got out of the car to help S7 out and hugged him goodbye. He was still trying to open the backdoor on her car when I was driving off. Needless to say the last look I saw was my (ex)W glaring at me. This morning when I picked up the kids I broke my usual silence when I saw she brought their over-night bags. I made a comment that I didn't think they were with me until Thursday on the schedule. She said something, but I didn't hear what she said. It didn't matter. I hadn't got S7 into my car yet and she had taken off. I felt relieved.
I'd been pondering that. Why did I feel relieved to receive the same treatment that I'd been giving her? It's not a positive thing, but I liked it. I'm left wondering if maybe it's because that's how I imagine she feels about me anyway, or had been feeling about me these past few years. If I can see her contempt for me when she addresses me, even when she's being cordial towards me, maybe seeing her show her anger is more believable....? I don't know. I'm not handling this whole thing very well. I want her to know I'm hurt without having to say it as I think most everyone here has gone through. She should know that I've received the papers from the lawyer by now and probably "assuming" that's the whole reason for my change in behavior.
I don't like feeling this way at all. Being a Debbie-Downer has never been on my resume. There have been a few fleeting moments where it feels like I'm at peace and the hurt/anger just stops, but I know I'm not there yet so I choose not to accept that all is okay with my world yet and allow the door to remain open on the hurt/anger. I have to be careful. I can tell S12 is picking up on my rigid behavior leading up to picking up and dropping them off. It's been some months since I've gone to T so I'll get an appt. scheduled, but for now I have to retain a lawyer. Part of my actions towards my (ex)W yesterday came from me receiving more legal papers in the mail telling me I can't dissolve any of my retirement earnings. Funny thing about that is I already had since that's the only way I can afford to retain a lawyer and how else am I supposed to be expected to pay her legal fees too. Here I go getting agitated again......
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I still get angry, RT. It doesn't go away quickly if at all. I was very angry at her just last week when she sent me an email expressing sympathy for the death of my grandfather. Why? Too personal. Too much pain associated with her and too many lies. I wish her the best, RT. I have no animosity in that regard, but I do get angry when she intrudes on my life still.
Because I understand what you're saying about how this makes you feel, it doesn't give me warm fuzzies in my optimism department. My (ex)W has never been close to my family, but then I'm not either. I've been a bit more open to talking with them as of late. I have no intentions of updating my (ex)W about anything hurtful/painful regarding my family. When my aunt passed away back in April after losing her battle with cancer I hated my (ex)W for her comments. She said she has a heart, but she's never known me to be close to anyone in my family so she didn't know what I wanted her to say. It's the "have a heart" comment that stabbed at me. She hadn't shown me her heart in almost 3 years. Its been with the OM.
What do you mean by this not being a bad thing:
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I do get angry when she intrudes on my life still. It's not a bad thing though - long story.
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Remember she is angry and wants what she wants for her sake.
How true! She told me months back that since she moved out she removed a source of stress from her life. Now it would seem that because she "believes" she grew up happy regardless of her parents D when she was young, our kids will grow up happy like her. And since I'm not evil by nature, we're going to remain connected and she's going to meet someone that makes her happy and I'm going to be in the front row of her wedding with a big smile and happy hug for her. She's never been much of a movie buff, but it makes wonder what Hollywood nonsense she's been watching to believe any of that garbage.
As for dating...I'm very aware of my vulnerabilities in my current frame of mind. I'm just wondering if that's the distraction I need to get me back on the rails though. Maintaining my determination towards my studies these past few weeks has been hard. I seek/need something to re-ignite the spark that's become so hard for me to get lit on my own. I've been doing it on my own for a long time and with everything going on right now it would be nice to find excitement in something.
