Moving the blanket away from the castle

[bustingout]

Its hard Arsene. But maybe it will get easier with time. :-)

journal

Tonight we took the kids to the school's play. I was surprised that H said he would go. But i was pleased of course and more importantly the kids were.

When we sat down we all sat together but he made a point of not sitting next to me. Thats fine. But then the kids got up to sit with their friends so we had a chair between us. I left it.

We had some chit chat. I was tempted to make conversation but knew it would be fruitless so I left it to some chit chat.

At the intermission the kids took him to get some snacks. I waited. He brought back some water for me and shared his brownie (I didn't ask). That was nice.

He is so reserved with me. So forcibly keeping his distance.

As I was sitting watching I thought to myself, does he think I don't care? Does he think I don't want him back? Would it make a difference if he knew I was fighting for him? But not in the way I used to? That I believed in him and us and this family? That I actually was loving him the best way I could by giving him what he wants?

And then my mind wandered to OW (ok, the play was obviously not THAT engaging lol), and all I could do was think of the loving things he must have told/still tells her. How he will be her man. How much she has helped heal him, etc. I know this is all mind reading, but I am sure there is some truth to it.

And I kind of turned to look at him (it was dark) and just thought is this real? HAs my H really left me? Does he think I have given up? Does he really have nothing left for me?

He has friends I don't even know. Friends that never saw him M or with me. Our old friends pretty much don't see/interact with him anymore unless he happens to be around when their is a school event or something like that. Such separate lives. Yet the most important part of our lives , our family, means we see each other daily. But I am not important enough to him to commit to making it complete.

And then we had a few moments of normality. Something funny in the play and we looked at each other and laughed.


On the way home in the car. I made a comment...that was really nice (I wasn't referring to the play, but just the outing, but i didn't specify that), and he agreed. I left it.

Then we came home and put the kids straight to bed (way past their bed time!) and i was just observing. He was anxious to leave. Wanted to get the kids into bed and leave. I ASSUME she is waiting for him. And without him noticing he actually just kind of left the kids' room without really saying goodnight. I could see my son looking after him.

It broke my heart. I went to my son and hugged him and told him I love him and to have a great night sleep.

I notice that when H is preoccupied he really can't see another person's wants/needs. He couldn't see my son looking after him. Its like his mind is racing, restless/impatient.

Anyway, I am doing fine. I hope I am doing my best. I want my family back. I want my kids to have their father fully in their lives. I realize he can't right now.