Well, the day's almost over. How are you holding out? Still in the foxhole? Or did you venture out into the no-man's land?
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Some morning Journaling... and fair warning that this is going to be quite whiney, as I haven't felt this down for quite some time...
I'll get this part out of the way first: despite all the advice I got on this forum, I went ahead with my original plan (and that of my IC) and sent a quick "W, wanted to write and wish you a happy birthday. I hope you're having a great one. H" email... She responded a few hours later with "Thanks, H!"
Now before the 2x4s start rolling in, let me preface this by saying my own brain is clearly doing the work for you guys.
Lesson learned? I hope so.
So I immediately felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest when I sent that email... My anxiety disappeared and I finally felt like I could breathe again... And that lasted for a while.
Then, as I was on my way home from work, my Mom called to ask how I was, knowing it was W's birthday. I told her I was doing okay, having a rough day etc. but I'd get through it. She asked me if she could call W, and I told her that she could do whatever she wanted to do, but I don't think she'd answer the phone and I most certainly didn't want W to think I'd ASKED my mother to call her...
My Mom has always felt a special attachment to my W, especially now, as when my Mom was my wife's age, she cheated on my father, felt very lost, etc...
So my mother decided she wouldn't call yesterday, but would wait to reach out to her later.
Anyway, I got home, made dinner, played with my dog, watched TV, tried to call some friends but had no luck, then had a couple drinks and went to bed very early (for me at least).
As has become common lately, I dreamt about W and I together again... woke happy, then realized my reality.
And then I decided to check FB for the first time in weeks... knowing full well that I'd probably see or read something that would upset me... And it was just a simple post from my W's sister who had updated her status to wish her sister a happy birthday, using her maiden name...
Why does this affect me? I mean, I'd heard W had changed back to her maiden name months ago on FB, and i'm sure her sister was just linking to her page in the update... but that simple post, talking about how strong and beautiful and funny and amazing my W is... coupled with seeing her maiden name... well it's sent me right into the dumps this morning... and it's got me thinking...
I can't shake the feeling... that's been boiling below the surface for quite a while now... that I'm not doing ANYTHING to move my situation along... this silence from my end... this darkness... I can't see how it's helping me to "Bust my Divorce".
I know I'm not supposed to look at it like that... that I'm supposed to be focusing on how it's helping me become a better person and detach and whatever... but I can't lie and say that the goal isn't anything other than working toward a new relationship with my W...
And I feel, moreso now than ever, that this darkness is promoting an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality more than anything else...
But, all that being said, I can't see the alternative anymore. Let's just say I start reaching out a little more often... what does that do for me?
Maybe it gets me back in touch with her and we go back to having these weekly multi-hour conversations... and during those conversations maybe she's reminded of what she's really missing by continuing on the path she's on...
But then I know I'm setting myself up for more heartache... coupled with broken boundaries... and I'm pretty sure that won't work too much better than the nothing that's happening now.
Clearly I've slipped back into the "Mr. Fix It" mode where I'm scrambling to try to figure out what I can DO... but I just feel so lost again right now... like nothing I'm doing or can do will get me to the goal I set out by buying this book and joining this board.
Hey mate, I feel for you. I don't quite know what to say or how to cheer you up. This might be a good time to get yourself a DB coach, if you can afford it. If you feel stuck, they might be able to help. I guess first things first though. Get yourself out of the house and go do something, anything, for yourself.
I'll be around mate,
Take care.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
From my personal experience, it keeps you on the rollercoaster but I followed the path I wanted to follow and I'm doing great now.
There's no way of telling the timeline of how people heal from this grief, or any grief. Would I have been any "better" at this point had I completely stopped contact, who knows?
Remember the consistent actions+time=positive results phrase? That's true of anything in life. So if you consistently get up every day and do something to move you further on your path, over time, you'll move forward. No brainer, huh. Doesn't mean you might not occasionally take a few steps back, though. There are certain lessons we need to repeat (and repeat) before we really learn them.
You're going to have good days and bad days and some REALLY bad days. Expect it, then it's not such a shock when it happens. Some days it's OK to sit around and feel sorry for yourself but set a time limit then get out and do something.
You'll do things that aren't recommended.It's not the end of the world.
Gauge how you feel after you do those things.
like nothing I'm doing or can do will get me to the goal I set out by buying this book and joining this board.
The acceptance of that truth is painful but with acceptance comes a certain freedom.
And remember, you have no control.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
But, all that being said, I can't see the alternative anymore. Let's just say I start reaching out a little more often... what does that do for me?
Give it a try and gauge the results. I think her wimpy response to your "happy birthday" text is an indication of what to expect, but you may need to push it further just for your own peace of mind. DB'ing is a set of recommendations, sometimes your heart leads you to do something anti-DB and it's up to you whether to pursue that or not. If it's keeping you up at night then I say go for it. The worst that can happen is you end up backsliding a bit, but if your sitch has been static for a while then it's not a bad idea to try and shake it up.
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But then I know I'm setting myself up for more heartache...
Well there is that, you really need to downplay any expectations of where it will go.
Just wanted to update really quickly that I've been able to pull out of my tailspin today. Going to hang with some friends tonight to play some poker, so that should continue to help.
I'll post more later, but the bottom line here is I need to simply use this as a learning experience and move forward.
Had a great night last night playing poker with a group of friends I haven't seen in a while... probably stayed out a bit too late, as I'm positively exhausted today, but it was certainly worth it! We made plans to make it at least a monthly get together, so that should be good.
This weekend, there's not much on tap... A good friend of mine is having a birthday party on Friday night, but that is also my Brother and Sister-in-law's 10 year anniversary, so they asked me to watch my niece that night so they could go out... So I'll be babysitting on Friday night, but that's just fine, as I LOVE hanging out with my adorable little niece.
Other than that, there's not much new to report... except this.
I've decided it's probably about time for me to sit down and take a serious inventory of where I am today... I know I've mad a lot of progress, done a good job of quite a few things, and I've made some mistakes and missteps... especially recently (I'm sure much to the annoyance of the people here, who've been so great through this process...).
I've spent most of my time living in the "now" recently, trying not to get too far ahead of myself or look back, and while that's a good thing, I think it's time for me to really evaluate where I am now and re-set some goals and plans for the future... both far and near.
So I may spend a few days away from this board... so don't be alarmed
As always, I am so grateful to each and every one of you for reading and commenting... for helping me through these rough times... and I'm sorry if sometimes I frustrate the living #ell out of you by being wishy-washy, whiney, or not following advice... But I'm so thankful you stick around and bring the 2x4s when they're needed and the kind words when they're all that float me through a day...
I am just grateful to see someone who is doing most of the right things for Themself and trying to grow.
Your story inspires me to have hope for Myself.
Ed
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
I sometimes dislike how well I relate to ppl on this board, but we are all here for eachother... To get us through hard times... To help us realize it is a very hard jouney... But... It can be done!... When I'm feeling hopeless I just go and read some of the success stories, some of those ppl went through 12 13 14 months of heartache, buuuuut they never gave up. And now are exactly where they want to be. DON'T GIVE UP
M: 25 W:23 M: 4 years T: 10 years S:5 S1 BD: 8/20/12 Sep: 11/12
I've decided it's probably about time for me to sit down and take a serious inventory of where I am today... I know I've mad a lot of progress, done a good job of quite a few things, and I've made some mistakes and missteps... especially recently (I'm sure much to the annoyance of the people here, who've been so great through this process...).
I've spent most of my time living in the "now" recently, trying not to get too far ahead of myself or look back, and while that's a good thing, I think it's time for me to really evaluate where I am now and re-set some goals and plans for the future... both far and near.
So I may spend a few days away from this board... so don't be alarmed
I think that's an EXCELLENT idea, Alk, and I appreciate the heads-up. I'll be praying for wisdom and CLARITY for you, as you try to plan some things out!
