Hello, Well, I don't want to completely ruin my chances either, so my first email has to be very friendly.
But you're right, I already have written another email, because I know she'll tell me to buzz off!
Here it is : Hi A, I understand and appreciate your concern, but we both know since the beginning that there’s no such thing as supervised visits by your parents, or only twice a week visits for Brucie and I.
In fact any form of separation will legally lead to at least 50% time with each one of us. I don’t have the feeling I had much concession when I tried to ask you to spend more time with you and Brucie.
Certainly there are compromises and changes to be made, and our child deserves all the effort the parents can make. I do not believe that separation is a solution to our problems. Nonetheless, I respect and love you enough to let you go if that is what you choose.
If you want to meet and discuss, let me know, Take good care, B.
Now, the last bit, about me being ok and freeing her if she wants to go, kinda makes me think : what if she does? I only want her to see that, in truth, losing half of the toddler is HER choice. (and she can reverse that anytime). I don't know if this is a good tactic here? Will that drive her away further?
I intend to send this email as a response to the first one tomorrow, so this one only probably tuesday or wednesday.
About the OM, it's not that I need to know, but, you know, that'd explain a lot of things... and I would stop wondering, night and day... should I ask or not?
Any advice, recommendations highly appreciated! I'm so lost, Thanks, B
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
It is apparent that you are reluctant to take a strong stance in fear of upsetting or pushing your W further away. I understand your fear. I lived it myself.
It sounds to me like you have already decided to send the first email. Is that fair to say? Please keep us updated on how that plays out.
As far as asking if there is another man, if it is going to ease your mind, then ask. I'll be honest with you, I doubt she will be as forthcoming with you as you hope. Why? Because she has it easy with right now.
You are trying to show her through words that you might fight for your child. Actions speak louder than words. It's cliche, but it is absolutely true.
DB'ing is not a tactic. It is a way of living.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Hello my friends, Today I went to the visit, my wife was tired and so was my son, because she was away for the week-end to visit her sister and having fun, while I, like a looser, stayed bored at home, literally counting the hours for the visit. It wasn't a great visit, wife was cold, her dad was always in the middle of us, interrupting our conversation and all!
That's it, I sent the first email asking for the kid. Yes it's soft, but I need a basis for the second email to be tougher. I won't have to wait long for her to say no.
In the second email, I'll tell her it would be good for us to meet and discuss some details before I go see the lawyer and have the order issued. Clear enough? Then she'll know I MEAN BUSINESS!. She'll know that the charade is over. No more parents interfering. No more 1h visits. No more her deciding to leave AND keeping the kid, like I was the leaver ! Yes, she's going to be sore pissed off. But she already left and lives at her parents. And I tried all the goodwill in the world, and she hasn't given me an inch! Enough is enough.
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
Update for those of you who are following the episodes :
My W only replied late tonight. Her answer was kinda polite, but BS saying that the visits were in accordance with Canadian law. And that she needs to speak with her lawyer first. Trying to win time and use my fear of legal proceedings and D against me. (My lawyer says the visits are total BS, which makes sense: Since when the father needs supervised visits or twice a week only?)
Therefore, according to plan, a modified version of the second (tougher) email will be sent first thing in the morning. (My rule is to sleep at least one night on things to make sure it is not emotionally motivated). And I will act on it as well, I'll call my lawyer tomorrow, and we'll take an appointment to issue the petition for access and custody for the toddler.
Now, that will piss her off! Am I doing a mistake somewhere here? (The goal is ALSO to save the marriage, remember?) B.
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
I like your approach Bruce. I believe you are doing the right thing here.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Am I doing a mistake somewhere here? (The goal is ALSO to save the marriage, remember?) B.
At this point she's not giving you any hope for the M and she is stonewalling your attempts to see your child, so your focus needs to be on getting proper access to your child. Put the M on the back burner until you get that sorted. Right now she's totally controlling you, that needs to stop and you are taking proper action to stop it.
I sent the second email this morning, stating politely that I would be contacting my lawyer to obtain access to the toddler, and it would be good if we discussed before, and if she didn't want to, that was fine as well.
Here's the answer : Hi B, Yes, I have been giving our relationship some further thought as well. Let's talk tomorrow, okay?
Oh crap ! I wasn't expecting this. What do I do now?
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
Well you can't back out now. Come up with a basic list of what you want. Maybe at this point, just stick to custody issues. Just tell her that you want more time with your son.
If she brings up anything else about the R, or even if she has OM, just listen. Try to not let your emotions get the best of you. Listen to what she says and take mental notes. That will give you clues as to how to get her back.
But don't go in without a plan. It's like going to war and you need to strategize clearly and not get carried away by emotion.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
And go in with zero expectations, don't assume she's ready to reconcile or anything else that will lead you to disappointment. Just assume she wants to work out logistics and be prepared with your plan.
Now if she does blindside you with a desire to rebuild the M, just tell her that's not what you expected to discuss and that you need some time to gather your thoughts and make a future date to talk about it. DO NOT get all googly eyed on her! Keep your game face on! Tell her in the meantime you want expanded custody of your S.
