So Monday and yesterday we were getting along a little better and she sent several texts yesterday and seemed pleasant. My hopes weren't really up but I was happy that we were talking. She had her codependency group after work so didn't see her for dinner. She ended up getting home 2 hours late without a call or a text which I now think was her ammo to start the fight (yes I bit). I wasn't bothered by her being late because I was busy around the house. I happened to be in kitchen getting water for bed when she got home. I should have just said goodnight because she had a look in her eyes but instead I figured the messages during day were pleasant so I said "How was your group?". With that she went completely off to point I didn't even recognize her. She said she doesn't have to report to me about what she does or how things are, asked if I understood what divorce meant, starting telling me everything that I've done wrong in my life, and blamed me for everything wrong in her life, she even said something that happened before I was around over 20 years ago. She went so far to say that for a while she believed her genetic disease was caused by my poisoning her. It was like nothing I've ever heard or seen. Half way through her rant I said in as calm a voice as possible 'all i asked about was your group for a little small talk, never brought up any of that other stuff'. I remembered the rule to not believe anything she says but I broke a rule by not just walking away; instead near the end when I couldn't take it anymore I called her out on how stupid she sounded and she needs to look in mirror and take some of the blame. I know stupid... I told her I didn't need her telling me again all the things that are wrong with me that I'm well aware of them and accept my responsibility for where we are. All in all it was a very bad night and I didn't sleep at all. I spent night reminding myself of the good things I've done because words sure can hurt from someone you love, even when you know most of it is BS.
This morning her group book was out and I broke another rule by looking at it. I know I suck!!! I admit I was questioning some of the stuff she said and if she believe it was true and I was hoping to find anything in there that said the opposite of what she yelled at me for to preserve some hope. Instead in there she admitted to lying all the time and it being so easy for her she does it automatically with most everyone in her life, said she was a "terrible wife", and admitted to cheating in the past (entire list had 10-12 pretty bad things, many of which I didn't know about). The cheating part is what I don't think I can just get over now that I have even more proof unless she fully admitted it and wanted to work on things which I don't see happening. I can't be a doormat and let her treat me like this now that I know she understands the issues and just doesn't care about me or our family.
We talked today about something with kids sports and I said I wanted to talk about us. I didn't let on to reading book but I did say after last nights talk I wanted to tell the kids soon because I now believe there is no chance for us and I'm done lying about the situation. I also told her I was considering moving out. I've kind of rethought that through the day but I think it would be easier on me to not be around her, kids wouldn't take that well though. I also said that we need to have some boundaries and if she wants to talk then no bringing up past and blaming me for everything. I also told her don't expect me to bring anything up because I'm done. Also said she better stop just expecting me to cover everything because I'm done lying to friends and kids and doing whatever she asks.
I'm so ticked and hurt. From reading books I know a lot of this is 'normal' WAS behavior and I know I handled it pretty badly last night but man it hurts. I'm starting to think it's just not worth it and I'm seeing a lot more bad with her and marriage then good. Maybe I'm starting to rewrite history... Right now I no longer want to work on my marriage. Very sad and depressing 24 hours.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
