It's as in slapping you with a 2x4 upside the head.
Can't believe I didn't pick that up. Guess I'm in a daze from all the 2x4s...
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"I'd rather you didn't, I don't feel comfortable with that while you're living with OM. You should make your own arrangements with the kids to take them out for their birthdays."
That's the kind of advice I'm looking for. The catch, don't know if it's major or minor, is that planning the deal, then asking the kids if W could go, was my idea. Now telling her the above would be a reversal. Yes, stepping out of a manipulation, but also out of an offer to "help". I told my pastor recently I feel like I need someone with me all the time to punch me in the face when I'm getting ready to say something stupid.
A thought I am wrestling with: The words manipulation/control on here...many times I would say I am trying to influence the sitch, and told I am trying to manip/control. I wish to God I could control. I want our life back. If I didn't want to influence my W I wouldn't be here. This may be all semantics, so don't hit me with 2x4. I think most people are probably here for similar reasons.
Healthy influence is good. Sharing thoughts, feelings, discussing merits, making decisions together, etc. (Despite recent years, our marriage WAS once like this) I think one thing I need to learn is that for right now, all influence I had with my wife is gone, and that even healthy influence and discussions have to wait until she's ready.
As warned in DR my emotions are biggest enemy in that.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Just my opinion, but there is barely a razor blade's width separating "influence" and "control". Both, for the most part, have the end result of imposing YOUR will on another person. I've been reading your threads and you are a lot like me when I arrived here. Best thing for you to internalize right now is that you absolutely, positively are NOT driving the train that is your wife right now.
The best things that you are doing right now are focusing on yourself and your kids. I know I said this in my first post to you, but really, really spend this time taking a look at what your W complained about on her way out the door. I can't stress that part enough. It suxx, but embracing it is surprisingly liberating. When you can work on THOSE things and live those changes (your 180s) for you and get out of your wife's head - you will gradually arrive at a peaceful place. And, perhaps, your wife will believe you and your changes.
In terms of how you react and need someone to "punch you in the face" - here is what I did. Assume that EVERY first reaction that you have to something and the actions you want to follow it are wrong, wrong, wrong......at this stage, they probably are. Take time to think about your actions and reactions before they really come alive.
Can't believe I didn't pick that up. Guess I'm in a daze from all the 2x4s...
Hahaha! Anyone who has spent enough time posting here has a few lumps to show for it
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The catch, don't know if it's major or minor, is that planning the deal, then asking the kids if W could go, was my idea. Now telling her the above would be a reversal.
That's OK, the advice is to help you understand what your future approach should be. If it doesn't work for this particular instance then no problem, proceed as planned. But perhaps next time something like this comes up (as it will shortly with Thanksgiving and Christmas approaching) then you can adjust your approach.
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I told my pastor recently I feel like I need someone with me all the time to punch me in the face when I'm getting ready to say something stupid.
That would be handy, wouldn't it? I think we'd all like that!
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many times I would say I am trying to influence the sitch, and told I am trying to manip/control. I wish to God I could control. I want our life back. If I didn't want to influence my W I wouldn't be here.
I agree with Crimson, it's a fine line indeed between the two. I guess what I would tell you is that you should only try to "influence" your W in one way- by changing yourself. That's the heart of DB'ing. Do 180's on your own faults, work on your PMA, GAL, make yourself more attractive, fun, happy, etc. A spouse only a fool would leave. Do not try to influence her directly, and do not try to influence her R with your kids.
W called last night to vent about someone hurting her feelings. A good practice session for validating, because for once it had nothing to do with me. They said that? No wonder your hurt. Id be hurt too.
She is going to MC in 2 days. My questions: how much "cheer leading" should I do? And do I ask how it went, if we can now go together....?
Today is grief. Work got rained out this morning, so unexpected time alone.
My love language is quality time together. At this point ANY time together would feel good.
Hers is acts of service. We can't speak love if we're apart.
There is no substitute for her company. I am a very quiet person, and many would mistake me for a loner, but I despise being alone. Yet there is only a small number of people I ever connect with. My W, kids sometimes, brothers and sister, parents. Pastor somewhat.
No connection compares to that I feel w/W, even now. She was always available for a quick text or chat before...now I have to detach, wait, pine, long, hope.
I was, and am, completely shocked that she did not feel that same connection. Intellectually I am learning my wrongs and how I drove her off. Emotionally I always felt connected to her. She ACTED connected to me, until very recently. This is all old news I know but nonetheless painful.
My hobbies hold no interest, unless I have talked to her. If she were to call right now, suddenly I'd have the energy to jump up and play my guitar for hours. It happens every time. She is a drug. I am addicted. I don't want to quit. She energizes me.
She was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I turned into an a$$ and destroyed her. She told me she knows she hurt me. What hurts most is knowing that I put her in a position where she COULD do this. I wish she knew that. If she knew that one thing wouldn't it start to make her believe this can work?
I dread Thanksgiving for the first time ever, even when my Mom had just passed away.
Is this why I need to detach, because her sensing me like this repels? If I saw her hurting like this I'd run in and sweep her away...before, but I was blind...now that I see, I can't.
Thanks for "listening"
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Is this why I need to detach, because her sensing me like this repels?
Yes. Your whole post smacks of codependency. People like being wanted, but they don't like being needed. When you say things like your W being like a drug to you, that's very unhealthy for you and very undesirable for your W. You need to detach and GAL to refocus yourself on you. You've defined yourself using her for far too long, time to spread your wings and fly on your own. Take it from me, I know because I could have written that exact same post a few months ago, LOL!
She sent another "I'm sorry" text. All I said was "Me too". Then she small talked about her work day. Was able to make her laugh.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Is this why I need to detach, because her sensing me like this repels?
Yes. Your whole post smacks of codependency. People like being wanted, but they don't like being needed. When you say things like your W being like a drug to you, that's very unhealthy for you and very undesirable for your W. You need to detach and GAL to refocus yourself on you. You've defined yourself using her for far too long, time to spread your wings and fly on your own. Take it from me, I know because I could have written that exact same post a few months ago, LOL!
I've never actually used drugs...so maybe I shouldn't have said it that way. I was looking for language to express my grief. I do agree that I am in a very unhealthy state emotionally, whatever name it's called.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
I've never actually used drugs...so maybe I shouldn't have said it that way. I was looking for language to express my grief. I do agree that I am in a very unhealthy state emotionally, whatever name it's called.
Neither have I, but the point is regarding your question "Is this why I need to detach, because her sensing me like this repels?" The answer is yes, she likely senses your neediness and it's not attractive. Think about why she was attracted to you in the first place, was it because you desperately needed a woman in your life and were all clingy, or was it because you were strong and independent? You need to get back in touch with the you that she was attracted to initially. Don't expect it to happen overnight, it's going to take you a while. That's why you need the time and space as much as she does.
You need to get back in touch with the you that she was attracted to initially
25 asked a ? several days ago about nearly the same thing...what did I do way back when to attract her...I said all those things now would push her away according to DR/DB...I ROMANCED her...which now would be pursuing, and was extremely frustrated about this.
But a thought came to me at work today: I didn't go back in time far enough. I did, in fact romance the heck out of her after a short cautious period...6 weeks most... but who was I before that?
Weeell, for most of my teen/college age years I acted desperate, needy around women, worried that I'd never find a wife, no girl ever went out with me more than a few times.
THEN, I told God I was putting that in His hands, I was going to do my best to be the man He wanted me to be, and had faith that He would provide a wife in His time.
I just quit trying and let go of that whole part of my life. Didn't get depressed, got in great shape, got very serious about a hobby which later became my career, and reconnected with an old friend who I had wronged in the past and made ammends.
Within six months, the girl my old friend was dating insisted they introduce me to her classmate in college. The girl they introduced me to is now my W. The young man she fell for was a guy trying to be the best man he could.
Just what everyone here's been telling me to do all along...I have told this story dozens of times in the past to encourage people to give God control over an area of their life and He won't let you down...I don't know why I forgot it when I needed it most, but now it's back.
I realized today that I DO have faith that God is working in her heart and he will heal her in His time, and I have to be ready when my chance comes.
Yesterday was a terrible day emotionally, and I know most likely I'll have more of those before we're out of the woods, because as you said this will take time to get back to. But today my tears are from joy knowing that I think I'm finally waking up to what this is all about.
My attitude is slowly changing I think, helped by all the words here, and by baby steps I'm seeing. My mom's best friend, who stepped in and "mothered" us for a while when Mom passed away, called me today and said W had contacted her and said she was healing her self so H and W could heal. Knowing that is a huge boost. One day soon well be working on this together.
My faith is not blind, I know God COULD say I don't get another chance.
But I believe I will, and that means I need to live "AS IF"
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
That post just gave me faith, even when everything seems to be going down hill. Thanks!!! The more this goes on the more I realize I need to have a lot more faith. Put more faith in god. BELIEVE!
M: 25 W:23 M: 4 years T: 10 years S:5 S1 BD: 8/20/12 Sep: 11/12
