''he's nicer than has been in years- but i'd think he also thinks how he is free to just do whateverthehell he wants''.
My H started the nice, no yelling thing a few months back. It does throw you, but don't read anything into it, it's just a new phases he's going through. It really means nothing, just take it - be nice back, not expectations.
''was thinking maybe this is "it" forever- i don't like this "it".
That's was my worry to like ok now he's nice, but I don't like him, he's still and a$$, but everything I read points to a new phase. I know they will finally settle on one character and I did fear this was it, but I think he has to finish coming out of all the phases, before he settles in.
''what if you and I are merely having trouble breaking a bad habit (well a good habit that went bad)?????''
Oh, yea there's some of that in there as well. We want our lives we made and don't like change! But, here it is and we're fighting mad , and mad
I don't like some of the things about myself during this sitch. I can only pray I come out a better, more secure person for someone else to appreciate and love.
Your perfect mate is based on how the person makes you feel about yourself, well he makes me feel awful, just plain awful! So I am becoming more comfortable with the idea that I need a new mate, or even one at all since I seem to have nobody now!
He no longer gets that power over me, even during our marriage he wasn't everything I wanted, but you make excuses, or weight it out with the good they do provide. He doesn't deserve that understanding from me anymore, that sacrifice I made when he was quirky and antisocial.
I will play out the stages, see who he will be in the end, but I will not cheat myself out of a better future if he doesn't meet my needs as a partner.
It's been 3yrs since he flipped and 1 & 1/2 yrs ago he had an A, no A for a yr now, but continue's an emotional affair so he can have someone junkie with junkie friends to smoke, drink, and hang with. He hates himself so has to express that with these junkies then come home to be human again.
I don't want to be "one" phase of his new life anymore, his fall back, his security, it's getting old fast, and what's in it for me.
Your right we're stuck! What to do - not much, let it play out all the way through so we know where we land is not forced, but hopefully a happy secure "this is were I belong, finally"!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Your perfect mate is based on how the personmakes you feel about yourself,
Nobody "makes" you feel anything about yourself, unless they have some kind of double secret mind-control device or something. It's not your mate's responsibility, it's yours. Unfortunately, this fact was left out of the "life manual and guide book".
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Your perfect mate is based on how the personmakes you feel about yourself,
Nobody "makes" you feel anything about yourself, unless they have some kind of double secret mind-control device or something. It's not your mate's responsibility, it's yours. Unfortunately, this fact was left out of the "life manual and guide book".T^2
I am discovering this is TRUE -- if our MLCer's would realize this they be blaming us -- and we wouldn't be blaming them - excellent point T2 !!
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
Your ideal mate is based on how that person makes you feel about yourself!
He/she makes you feel valued and significant, despite the faults and failings that you know you have. He/she wants to make you feel wanted, dedicated to and captivated at the same time. He/she doesn't want to make you feel less than, or inadequate or lacking in any way.
That's not magic it's love, it's you smiling when you think of them, that loving feeling that was placed in your heart by how they make you feel!
H says I make him feel loved, he makes me feel sad!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
He/she makes you feel valued and significant, despite the faults and failings that you know you have. He/she wants to make you feel wanted, dedicated to and captivated at the same time. He/she doesn't want to make you feel less than, or inadequate or lacking in any way.
My W "made" me feel that way for many, many years before her mlc. Then she withdrew that in mlc. I have since learned to provide that for myself. So, where does that (those feelings of worth, forgiveness, not lacking, etc) come from originally, her or other people, or me??
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
And if/when W comes out of MLC, or if I move on to someone else, the mate can only ADD to those feelings I already have/self-generate, but never, ever, again, take them away. They are mine.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Your ideal mate is based on how that person makes you feel about yourself! He/she makes you feel valued and significant, despite the faults and failings that you know you have. He/she wants to make you feel wanted, dedicated to and captivated at the same time. He/she doesn't want to make you feel less than, or inadequate or lacking in any way. That's not magic it's love, it's you smiling when you think of them, that loving feeling that was placed in your heart by how they make you feel! H says I make him feel loved, he makes me feel sad!
You are saying that when your spouse values you - you feel valued - when they want you they feel wanted - T2 is saying that unfortunately now we have to find out how to do that on our own - OR - leave our spouses and find someone else who wants to fullfill these needs for you.
BUT if you learn to do these things for yourself - think about the person you would be - completely depending on YOU for all your needs and happiness - seems like it's the way we should have been all along - a very painful way to learn it - but it's the way it should be anyway.
I don't know how long you been with your hubby but my wife was the best mate in the world for 13 years, a depressed but still mostly wonderful one for 1 year and a pretty nasty evil one since April - I love her - she can't see that she loves me - yet she does show slight glimpses of it - very little ones - she is angry, afraid, unclear and really very lonely. They are MANIC - they have no control of there emotions and are in a very reactive state of mind - they are looking for things to fill them, affairs to give them passion and excitement - they are in a nutshell the OPPOSITE of what they used to be.
I am not telling you to stay or go - God knows I want to leave all the time - and MOST people WILL tell you to LEAVE
Here is what keeps me there at least for now - MY WIFE IS THE BEST - I LOVE HER - SHE IS NOT HERSELF - SHE IS ILL - I think if the roles were reversed and I was acting like this - she would pray for me and BE MY LIGHTHOUSE - maybe I am wrong - but that's the kind of person she was.
I don't think we deserve the indifference and pain that we go through - it's unbearable - my wife is so callous and cold - if we happen to barely touch when we walk by each other she recoils like a cobra - she is absolutely physically repulsed by me now - she is looking to date other men - I know it's nuts - but like I said - I feel like I have to do whats right and not what I feel like doing.
I hope you have the strength to stand as long as it takes but you are always free to go - don't forget that - you only have to stay as long as you want to !!
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers !!
Sunny
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
T2 is saying that unfortunately now we have to find out how to do that on our own - OR - leave our spouses and find someone else who wants to fullfill these needs for you.
Close...
No one will ever be responsible for fulfilling those needs in me again...they can certainly add to them, enhance them, challenge them, etc.
But at the end of the day, whether with my W or if I leave and find someone else, only I am responsible for fulfilling MY needs, feelings, self-esteem, self-love and so forth. There is a difference between final responsibility and having someone add or enhance them. Make sense?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
SunnyBurst- I have been with my H since I was 21yrs old (that's 24yrs) and probably only secure in the knowledge that I loved him and felt at home with him.
Over the yrs, with babies and mortgages love grows up, becomes more mature in it's needs, and expectations, but hopefully you never loose that initial raw simple feeling that started the seed to grow.
I understand that we all should probably be a little more secure for ourselves but even those of us who are strong in character need that seed planted in us that the love of another offers. I'm not saying I'm a mess, but I do miss how H made me feel that for "him", I was a light in his heart.
Every way you describe your W is how my H is acting and I myself have had to recoil from his manic way. "OPPOSITE of what they used to be." Yes, that's the rub!
I do not have intensions of going anywhere, but I am going to read up on someone's suggestion that I may becoming a WAS. Tired of being a LBS I may be moving forward. I take it a WAS can be figurative for me as well as H, as he hasn't left home.
I have been nothing but kind, understanding and validating toward my H, to help facilitate a positive outcome from all of this for everyone, whatever that may be, because ILH.
I have to learn to be many things for myself now, it's been a flood of emotions for me over the last 1 1/2 yrs. I welcome your thoughts and prays for the strength to continue forward!
Hey, Nero darling! I hope your enjoying these posts. I know your learning everyday as well as I am to be happy without the H's we had, and how to be with the H's left behind. Hope and prayer!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
, and mad 
