Then, he went into this justification about why he was frustrated with me and how I screwed up in the marriage.
Hi Heather, this ^^^ can be very valuable info (whether all of it is true or not is not important). When W told me this stuff way back when, I made it into an action item to really look into my role and built-in programming and decide what I wanted to or could change, for me, the kids, whatever and wherever this was going to take me in the future. I was determined that, if I was going to go through hell, then I was going to come out the other side better, more self-aware. I found quite a bit that I could and wanted to change, I didn't like the person I had become and was projecting over the course of the years, it was pretty different than how I wanted to be. W's info had a lot that caused me to take a look, a hard look, at the dude in my mirror. I value that info, and the stuff that wasn't "true" or just an excuse? It was duly considered, investigated, and let go.
Who I have become/"re-become" is the best part of this ordeal, use the info H gave you.
Beautiful plumage, eh?
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Yes, be honest with H here, with W I was and she knew that she blew that in our R in a moment of clarity back in February. I did tell her though, that because I wanted to trust, that the trust has the possibility of being rebuilt. I think its important for her to know that repairing things IS possible, and that the task isn't insurmountable.
There were incidences since then where even though I didn't trust her explanation, I told her, rather pointedly, that I was CHOOSING to believe her at the moment. Her reaction was interesting, she seemed to get the difference. Anyway, just some small food for thought.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Said "Are you sure you weren't dumped? The only thing worse than your husband cheating on u with (Insert OW Name), was gettin her sloppy seconds."
I know you know these sort of vengeful things don't help, please stay on the high road...leave vengeance to the Spanish Inquistion...
Quote:
H just texted that OW gave him companionship and company. Said he was lonely.
What the heck do I say to that?
"I'm sorry you felt that way. Why did you feel lonely?"
Then sit back and listen, validate only...no arguing, nothing of your opinion, just listen, no matter what comes out of mouth/texting fingers...you may be guiding him towards digging into one of his demons, and learning something of him atm. Plus maybe stealing back one of the things that OW might have provided, uncritical listening/validation.
Just my 2.5 pence.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
What if I say...because he hates when I use psycho-babble like "I'm sorry you feel that way"--what about "I'm sorry u didn't feel u were getting those things from me. Anything I could do now to help make up for it?" Or anything I could do now?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
"I'm sorry u didn't feel u were getting those things. Can you tell me more? I'll just listen."
Yes, you are right to keep it short, and also try not to bring up the past visits unless he does first...gotta use that mlc memory issue to your advantage... Don't help him remember it, unless he initiates.
I tried to keep the "me" specific stuff out of it, to get W to look at the root issue (loneliness) which is within HER, not the specific instances in our R and me...hope that made some sense... lol
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Don't help him remember it, unless he initiates.