I suppose its very wrong of me to wish H would STOP talking to me. He came home from a training class today and wanted to talk. Sinking heart, I sat and listened.
He said how I was right when years ago I told him he has no "joy" in his life. He has turned this into an oft told joke "Well I'll tell you when I meet her".
Once again I got to hear about how happy he was with wife #2, and the old girlfriend who he recently had the online affair with - the sitch which led directly to the whole bomb drop sitch we are currently in. I told him joy isn't a person, its what you have inside - he tells me he wants what the movies say "you complete me". I tell him the movies only tell part of the story. But then he goes on to say how he realizes women are all so similar in so many ways... At this point I don't even know WHAT he said, and definitely don't know WHAT he meant.
I told him he NEEDS TO FIND A PROFESSIONAL TO SPEAK TO. Because not only am I ill equipped for the job, I'm not the appropriate person to hear about HOW WONDERFUL every OTHER woman he's known was. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT. I've heard it time and time and time again. I know their names and their stories. Why do I have to hear about how much he misses THEM over and over again?
H says he tells me these things so he can "work through it all". And maybe he needs to tell these stories ad nauseam, but do I have to hear them? Is this what is supposed to be happening? He says but I thought you would want to talk about my feelings and where my head is. I had to tell him that he was only partly right because I never meant to volunteer to hear about the glories of X, Y and Z.
But I don't know if all this is good bad or indifferent. He doesn't remember telling me he was leaving when the twins turned 18. Or rather, he remembers telling me "He wouldn't leave until the twins turned 18". Now he says he never meant that leaving would be a definite thing - says he just doesn't know.
And I surely don't know either.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I am so sorry your h is being such an a@s. Really.
He is so far in the tunnel he doesnt know which end is up.
To answer your question. IMO, no, you do not have to listen to that.
Understand that he has no clue what he is doing. Hard to believe, I know. But think about it, would a rational person not in a crisi talk to their wife like this?
So, politely tell him that you do not want to discuss this and if he persists, walk out of the room.
He doesnt get a pass because he is in crisis. He is still responsible for his actions.
And I am not at all surprised he doesnt remember what he told you about leaving. They are messed up all up in their head.
Maybe he's never been rational? Because he's talked about these things to me several times before. And I told him today that his speaking of other women to his wife was not IMO a good marital practice. Said I think that might be part of our sitch, that he thinks of me more as a friend (or his word confidante) than a wife. He didn't disagree.
IDK urworthy. I've read some accounts here at DB and the spouses talk about how the M went from wonderful to horrible. Mine wasn't horrible before the bomb, but it was far from wonderful. It was manageable, passable. Then the EA and accompanying garbage. So that leaves me wondering what I'm "standing" for? A return to pre EA days? I don't know if its worth it.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I feel your pain. On the rare occations my x spoke to me it was to tell me how he was really still in love with my old roommate, who he took out maybe 4 times, might have gotten one kiss from and certainly never slept with! (And while he is telling me his wacked in the head story I am struggling not to burst out laughing.) Or he tells me how the first woman he wanted to leave me for was really the "ONE" and he has felt like he should have gone ahead and divorced me then. And how now if he does't go for current OW he will always feel he missed his chance.
And inside my head I'm thinking, can he hear himself talking? Clearly NOT! You can only listen to so much. BUT, if you can rise above it and even validate his feelings once, you will feel so much better. I am not sure what words you should use. But each time I have managed to validate what seems like not valid topics with my now X he has dropped those topics and moved on to other topics.
And sometimes the other topics shed some light on what the heck they are thinking. And when he talks to you, you are answering him. I think you should just listen, and not try to reason with him. He can't hear you right now. When you talk to him it just gives him something to argue against, to prove you wrong.
My x doesn't ever remember stuff he said to me. I have been really hurt by some mean things he has said. I confronted him and he swears up and down he doesn't remember saying certain things. And dang they are seared in my brain.
Hope your day gets better!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
I don't know what words to use either. I gave some consideration to "pack your bags and gas up the car if that's the way you feel". However, felt that might be counterproductive.
Seriously, what do I say? I've tried "Yes, I know you loved her/them deeply and shared something special." This led to comments on how I am inadequate in comparison. Do I validate that too? "Yep, I am a consolation prize. [censored] to be you."
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
You can take it two ways. And both would be true! Honestly it took me 10 times before I was able to say the right thing. I just want to argue. And arguing never got me anywhere. And I believe once you say that part you can excuse yourself.
Sending you all my positive thoughts and strength.
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Angry today. Been thinking over H's last communications with me. And yeah, really really angry. I'm going out for the day. I plan to be gone before he returns from training and to not return until late this evening. Because I don't want to be around him.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
