Thanks, everyone, for stopping in. I'm going to try to play catch-up on the posts while I have a few minutes.
Regretful, open communication has not been a problem for me. Except perhaps too much. H's response is always "I know, but...." I'm willing to let him step up, I just don't know if he knows where the "plate" is.
Lostsoul13, I'm sorry your W is not more communicative. I know guys aren't mind-readers. No one is. I would say I have spoken to H like this. It doesn't really seem to change anything.
keep_going, I think it was a combination of investigating my own deep feelings and the trip. To your question of being vulnerable, I don't think that's a problem for me. I tend to be pretty open, like on here. I do find myself reining in a bit with my friends, but only because I don't want them to be burdened because I'm *always* talking about my M.
KD, I don't think I created a safe environment. The "environment" is exactly the way it was. That's why I'm so fearful of going back in.
AJ, I'd love to plan a getaway EVERY weekend. That's not likely to happen. I will work to find some things closer to home. To your points: - it's tough to separate the connection from the issues. The connection is made through activities/discussions and that's when the issues arise. - H does not feel like a leader. He feels like he SHOULD be. His internal conflict with this comes out in our M, and in a bad way. - You seem confident that H will change. I wish I was. H hasn't changed anything in 18 years. He would agree with that statement, saying "change is HARD." - I can work to get my needs met elsewhere. The problem is defining what needs H IS SUPPOSED to fill. I still have an image of what a H is supposed to be, and it IS NOT a knight in shining armor. It's something much more realistic than that. There were several lists posted in the last few weeks that I completely concur with. Based upon what he has been to me in the past, if I discovered I had a terminal illness, I wouldn't even bother to tell him and would seek comfort/assistance instead from a BFF. - I do read, a variety, from novels to self-help to Christian study. I don't read "authors." Most times, I couldn't tell you who the author was. - I would agree that "mood" has a definite impact on my outlook. I don't think that's uncommon. I don't make decisions based upon the "mood of the moment," except for things like what I wear for the day (ie. dressy or comfortable.)
So hopefully I addressed the key points.
Just a quick update. H had another counseling session last night. He offered some feedback on what was discussed. The counselor spent some time on a lot of different things, like what his childhood was like and if he has trouble focusing. He seems to be doing a lot of data-gathering right now, and not offering a whole lot of feedback. He did say that by this point in his life, H should be a "mentor" not a "mentee." He also took issue with the fact that H frequently uses the phrase "I should." This is something our previous counselor pointed out as well (I guess, I suppose, sort of, maybe, etc.), that H doesn't really take ownership of anything and has no personal boundaries. I'm curious as to where the counselor is going to go with that, since it didn't "take" before.
I appreciate his sharing because it gives me some insight as to what is going on or what is being worked. He keeps trying to get me to go with him, but I'm refusing. H is even better at deflecting than I am. I don't want his personal counseling to become M counseling. I would be willing to help, minimally, but if H doesn't take ownership of HIS problems, then bringing me into it won't do either of US any good.
That's not likely to happen. I will work to find some things closer to home. To your points:
