I don't know if it's the distance I've created recently that is the cause of this and I'm not sure what it means and how to handle it from here. How should I read all of this renewed anger?
Accuray posted this bit of wisdom a while back and it may shed some light on her new anger:
Quote:
Yes, this is completely normal, and there are two reasons for this:
1) There were changes your wife wanted you to make for a long time and you didn't make them, and she suffered as a result. Now it seems that you can make them so easily, it makes her angry that you made her suffer so long. She'll get over that, keep at it.
2) A walkaway spouse has often constructed a scenario in their head where you are the bad one, you pushed them to do whatever they have done, and they are the victim. When you 180 their complaints and don't act the role of the "bad guy" it's harder for them to convince themselves that they are the victim and they don't like that, so they get angry. They want you to play your part! If you keep doing the bad stuff it reinforces their decision to walk and makes them feel better about it.
Another thing to expect is that your wife will run "hot and cold" -- she'll be nice to you one minute and the next will shut down hard. This is extremely confusing. Here's what's going on -- your wife will "try on" being nice to you to see how it feels, or if she gets comfortable may slide back into a familiar partner role. At some point she'll catch herself, will worry that you'll get the impression that everything is now "okay" when for her it is not, and will then make sure to demonstrate to you that everything is NOT okay by shutting you out and pushing you away. That's all an inner dialog so to you it just looks completely confusing. If you expect it, you'll enjoy when she warms up and won't worry too much when she goes cold.
It's tempting to get into a mode of catastrophic thinking -- that each time your wife goes cold you worry it will stay like that forever, or "oh boy, this is it, she's gone!" That leads you to panic and overreact. This is a roller coaster, and there will be very dramatic highs and lows. The best thing you can do is try to stay near an emotional baseline. If the WAS bounces between 10 feet up and 10 feet down, the LBS tends to go 25 feet up and 25 feet down in response. Your goal is to go 5 feet up and 5 feet down instead. Take the long term view. Easy to say, hard to do, but if you know what to expect things get easier.
