Thanks for the support. I'm feeling pretty emotionally exhausted at this point.
In her own words, she "came in swinging". I really do regret changing the lock as it was an unproductive move. And her being distraught was also about the packing up of her things. Logically, it doesn't make sense given that she's moved out of the house already but I'm realizing that I need to stop thinking logically when trying to anticipate her reactions to things. I can't anticipate anything at this point, so I should really be making small changes and seeing what the response is. And I need to stay goals oriented and not be emotionally reactive (either positively or negatively).
She stayed for a long time - a few hours of talking. I did more talking than usual... I guess it felt important to express where I'm coming from. I've been on a low dose of anti-depressant since this happened which is another 180 for me (I have anxiety which have caused some problems in our relationship but have always been resistant to taking meds). Some of the changes in me are profound but she is still not buying them. I think time is the only answer for 180's. Even simple things like keeping a tidy house get the reaction of "why did it take a crisis for you to do that?"
In the end, it still seemed like things fell into two columns - real relationship questions and MLC script. It is almost like the MLC holds a magnifier over problems in the relationship while at the same time hiding the positive memories. It makes it really hard not to be defensive when my memories are so vastly different from how she is recalling those things.
There was plenty of the MLC again - "we are almost 40", "our lives are like we are old people already", "I want excitement and adventure", "I feel like you are 4 years older than you are", etc. The gist is that she wants excitement and adventure in her life. The irony is now that she has her much desired "freedom" having moved out but her description of her life is incredibly mundane - laundry, making dinner, working, etc. I asked her what that adventurous life would look like and she talking about things like hiking up mountains - things that she'll probably never do (and things that being married has no real impact on - its not like we have kids to worry about).
It all just reinforces that the problem is within her but she's externalizing it onto me and our marriage. I wonder if the reality is that she needs to be completely separated from the idea of "us" for some period of time before she can see that she still isn't climbing mountains. It seems like she needs to get to a place where our marriage is out of the picture and she is still asking "why am I not doing these things?"
MC meeting tonight - It seems like this is a longer road than I thought and I'm worried that I'm already feeling so exhausted by the rollercoaster... _____________________________ Me:39 WAW:38, M:9 T:19, No Kids EA:9/24, S:9/24 EA on hold?, MC 9/30-now
