I finally talked to H today about a lot of our outstanding issues. I apologized for the anger and negativity. I still took a lot of it though. At one point I was almost begging him to help watch them. He simply isn't interested I don't think. He told me it might be better to just pay S14 to watch the others. Seriously. So then we really started getting into things as far as bills and what not. He really didn't believe me about a lot of things. Namely child support. The deal is he gets disability. As his dependents the kids do too. However, the kids benefits are actually paid to me. So I went to SS and had the direct deposit for them put to my individual account. He was telling me how I couldn't it was his money and blah blah blah. It is my understanding that those are only for the kids and should I have them stop their benefits it would not affect his in any way but he would have to pay child support. Somehow, this way he doesn't. I don't really understand it but whatever. So that was something he argued about. He was mad because I had said I was having it put in my account that I had already taken care of it. The other thing is he kept arguing over what bills are on auto pay and what are not. I tried to tell him but he was unwilling to listen. I would assume that he will find out the hard way. I am getting confused though. There was so much said. He basically said well if he watched them it would have to be with his GF/XW at his house. I said, I don't think they are ready for that. Their counselor doesn't think they are ready for that. He responded with "I don't believe in counselors" I said well I do. Then he started in on how I am not going to dictate to him. I did make the comment that well the judge will want to hear from her too. To that point he started saying, "are you threatening me?" I wasn't. Not in the least. I actually started crying at this point. I explained that no I wasn't threatening him. In our state if the minor children are seeing a counselor then the judge talks to them. Finally he did calm back down. However, it seemed like he was saying that in order for him to help then I HAD to force the kids to go over there with them. Like otherwise he wouldn't help. Finally I did say, I realize at some point they will have to deal with this but I'm not sure cramming her down their throats through the holidays is really the best idea. I think actually putting it in that context made him stop and think. I also asked what we were supposed to do for the holidays since we (the kids and I) were invited to both his Fathers and his Mothers house. He told me to take them that he hadn't been invited. Thank God for that. But that means he will make no effort to see them either. Anyway, I said you know they are having a very very hard time especially S14. I said look I know you say you didn't pull the trigger that time, and he said I didn't. I said, Yes you did. Then he said it wasn't loaded. Finally, I then relayed what heS14 had told me about seeing all of that with the gun and also about how S14 had kept that bullet. AND also that was the very same bullet he kept trying to get H to make him a necklace of. He never said a thing. He was completely silent. Finally I asked did you hang up on me? He said he didn't. We continued to talk a little bit about other bills. Somehow we got back on the D. He basically wants one just as fast as he can possibly get one and we all need to deal with XW because she is here to stay. Do you want to just sell everything and split it? is what he asked me. I said if that's what you want. I am not actually entitled to half I don't think because our property was gifted by his father. I said you know, I realize this is a new relationship or it feels like one to you but really you have not been around as much as they really need you to be. Another long silence. Me asking if he is still there.So I said, what do you want to do with the animals? He said what do you mean? I said his cat and our dogs. I am not sure if I will be able to take them. Again, silence. My impression is that he actually hadn't even thought that far ahead. Like I guess he just thought we would all be sitting here until whenever.
So I don't know. Yes, I was angry yesterday. I really have felt dumped on. Today has been awful. I have cried all day. Even before I talked to him. I do NEED you guys though. I don't know what to do.
I asked the kids actually because they are pretty adamant all the girls anyway about moving. They want us to do nothing for a while in the hopes she goes away and it falls apart. Of course, they didn't say that exactly but that is what I got from the conversation.
Bug it was actually decided he wouldn't watch them there. Although he wants to. Also I think he has an unrealistic idea or impression of how things will be.
1. He wants to keep them there. 2. He wants kids to accept OW. 3. He wants control. -- He kept saying you will not control me. 4. He wants me gone. I am in the way. 5. He wants kids to forgive him. 6. He doesn't want people to know. 7. He wants all of us to have a positive image of OW.
I know you said concrete things but really I am having a hard time with those. He basically, sort of made it clear he just wants to sort of cut me out. Completely. Meaning anything that has to be done so he doesn't have to see or speak to me again. He actually said at one point in another conversation that he didn't want me to die but it would make his life easier. Hmm. Hard not to bring these feelings in. The gist of it though, was that he wants control of everything in his life. Including his finances. However, it was obvious that he has no idea what that really entails. This is one area where he has always just been terrible at. No lie. When he got his disability settlement. He spent over 90 K in under 5 months. It would be different if he had purchased something worthwhile but literally he could only account for about 17 K at the end of that time. I realize it is not my business at this point. Really. I will just copy down all his account information and passwords and stuff for him and the things that do not pertain to me he can deal with. The reality is - he spends more than he brings in. Eventually that will sink in, I guess.
Thanks Andrew! It does. I feel better today. There for several days it was just as I said. Things seemed to keep piling on. Good news I got a job. Bad news the hours are not great for it. Other news, when I walked through the door, I got a call for another interview. Again, hours are not good. But who knows? Maybe I will go anyway. Lord knows I need the $. That is my primary stressor at this point. I think maybe I needed the last few days to start moving forward again. I had felt stuck. Really sort of writing and thinking about what was said and the reality of it is I am better off. Regardless of what all my crazy feelings say. My head knows the reality. So that helps. It was sort of like I hadn't quite convinced myself of it yet. That probably sounds dumb.
Hmm. After I posted this, I got a phone call. It was a little unsettling. Basically that OW basically had moved into next to H aunts house specifically to try to get him back and more or less get info on his life. So that pissed me off a bit. I dunno. Talked to H again, basically to tell him I have my bases covered as far as him keeping kids.
I also got a notice from the bank today. Glad I am not on that account any longer. He is already 100 bucks overdrawn.
I think at this point if I say or do anything he thinks I am trying to make him feel dumb or stupid. Regardless of what it is. We sort of talked a little. I wasn't loud or threatening or anything else. I did say - you know I really want you to be happy. I had told him that and I really do mean it. He knows this. I said but I think you are being manipulated and frankly, I am too. Then he did say something at one point about how I had blocked his calls. And I DID. I told you guys that. I didn't want contact with him. Apparently that made him angry.
After I told him about where she had been living and renting and what was told as to why she chose there he got very very quiet. That means normally that he is listening; taking it in at least. It's when he doesn't know what to say. Then he gets angry. So that was how it went. I never really said anything else. Other than that I didn't say anything negative or antagonistic. We actually talked for a few more minutes but then he started shouting again that I am trying to make him feel stupid and saying he is dumb and hung up again. I wasn't and didn't. I think again that perhaps he is starting to notice she is controlling quite a bit too? Maybe, maybe not. Anyway, this is his usual pattern. I am finding whenever he doesn't like something or is angry he basically forces a confrontation almost- screams shouts causes a scene then runs away. So that is again what he did even if he was just running by hanging up.
I am getting more and more people telling me this was pretty much engineered by her. Although, still obviously we had our problems. I did actually say to him I found it embarrassing to keep having people talking about it and asking me about it in town and publicly. He said well I'm not saying or telling anyone. To which I replied me neither so that only leaves one other person. He didn't acknowledge that but that's okay. It just feels more and more like part of it is revenge and vindictiveness towards me. At this point, not sure that it matters. It's a lesson he will have to learn on his own.
I did come to the conclusion that she is likely in for a mighty big surprise when the new wears off. I think it is sort of comical in a way that she has wanted to be reunited for so long. It will be one of those be careful what you wish for situations. I know it's all shiny and new but can't wait to see what transpires with that wears off a little. Lord knows my life and our kids lives were difficult at best. I would go so far as to say we were all pretty much miserable.
I am getting to where I am actually believing I will be better off. I don't know what happened the last couple of days. I sort of think I had like a mini breakdown or something- a meltdown. I couldn't quit crying yesterday. Even driving in the car. Crying. In the grocery store I started crying. Just over and over. It was awful. Sitting at a light crying.
So today I am much better. Much better. Still not good. Not good at all. But better than where I was yesterday. These emotions are all over the place. Still this weirdo not detached in some aspects but very much in others. I need to work on that more. It's funny, each time I get more detached I actually almost physically feel different. I did notice that I actually slept last night on my own. WooHoo. Not very long but I did. I am up to 3 hours at a time with no meds so that's a vast improvement!
It's sounds like you're starting to move forward. That's good. Congrats on the job!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
