LS13, try as hard as you can to Not bring up those simple discussions about all the lives that will be affected and what she will be giving up.
That is pressure, and pushes her farther away. STOP It.
What GAL activities have you done that are for you only, not including your kids?
I'm not good at that either because my W left 9 months ago and i have 100% custody of our S-9. She visits him very inconsistently, so i have him with me wherever i go.
The talks you have with her are an attempt to guilt her back into reality. That will not work.
Good luck, but don't make her choices easier on her. Let her find in you, a man that she can respect.
Ed
Hi ED
I haven't brought up discussion about the lives she is going to impact. I think there has been plenty of discussion in the past (therapist, friends, family and myself). At this point nobody is trying to convince her to stay. I have to say her Parents are probably putting on the most pressure..I try to stop them but its their daughter. My last R talk was about letting her go. I told her, go find your happeniness. I will be behind her as much as possible. Told her, she always has a home if she wants to come back.
As for GAL, I have started to get in shape. Like in really good shape (6 pack abs is my goal). Ran 3 miles the other day. I am also reading more books. But to honest, alot of my activities are involved with Kids. 3 young boys (1 year old) is hard to just get away. Its okay, i love my activities with the kids. But taking care of 3 boys.....oh boy that is so tough. She made a comment about me dating other girls, I was like sorry with 3 boys, I won't have much time right now, maybe in 2-3 years when they get older
The other day, I asked her a simple question. I said you are going to sacrifice alot of good things in your life to be with this guy (kids, parent relationships, financially, etc) and what is this single guy sacrificing for you? He won't move up, he won't quit his job down there to be with a women who is sacrificing 15 years of her life. If i was this man and i knew a women was going to do this and if i truly loved her, i wouldn't wait, i would move up and find a job to be close to her.
Just trying to open her mind up, that fantasy land isn't that easy.
Originally Posted By: Am I Too Late
LS13, try as hard as you can to Not bring up those simple discussions about all the lives that will be affected and what she will be giving up.
That is pressure, and pushes her farther away. STOP It.
The talks you have with her are an attempt to guilt her back into reality. That will not work.
Good point Am I Too Late, I don't know how I missed that. The top quote is convincing /guilting behavior, which as you say, usually won't have the desired effect. But hey, a slip up here or there is not a big deal, we've all done that. Just make sure this isn't your game plan to get her back LS.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Wow!!!!! Maybe some of this stuff is finally rubbing off on me.
I would not have seen the impact of that statement 2 months ago.
Work in progress, but at least moving forward.
Many people on this site say, no one comment or day will alter the outcome, but as FY said, don't make a habit out of it.
Ed
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
The other day, I asked her a simple question. I said you are going to sacrifice alot of good things in your life to be with this guy (kids, parent relationships, financially, etc) and what is this single guy sacrificing for you? He won't move up, he won't quit his job down there to be with a women who is sacrificing 15 years of her life. If i was this man and i knew a women was going to do this and if i truly loved her, i wouldn't wait, i would move up and find a job to be close to her.
Just trying to open her mind up, that fantasy land isn't that easy.
Originally Posted By: Am I Too Late
LS13, try as hard as you can to Not bring up those simple discussions about all the lives that will be affected and what she will be giving up.
That is pressure, and pushes her farther away. STOP It.
The talks you have with her are an attempt to guilt her back into reality. That will not work.
Good point Am I Too Late, I don't know how I missed that. The top quote is convincing /guilting behavior, which as you say, usually won't have the desired effect. But hey, a slip up here or there is not a big deal, we've all done that. Just make sure this isn't your game plan to get her back LS.
That comment came from her talking about R. She wanted to talk about the "Green" side of things. I didin't say she can't do it, i just said there are risks associated with her choices. I didn't bad mouth the OM but I felt, if she was going to sacrifrice her life for this, then he should be doing the same exact thing.
My gameplan isn't getting her back, its to be ready for whatever may happen at the end. I promised myself to never beg or plea for her to come back. If I change myself, its for myself. If I look good, its for myself. If I become the greatest dad, its for myself.
If she happens to notice and decided she is missing out on the fun, then great. I can talk about forgiveness. If she happens to leave, then I wish her all the luck in the world with the new man.
...and your changes are good for your kids and for a future R!
ls13, you sound like you are moving in the right direction.
You SO have your hands full w your 3 boys. My 3 are a little older so a lot more independent at this time. You are being an excellent role model for them by being a rock and by taking the higher road & DBing.
QUestion--what do you think has made you get to this point? I am so intrigued by those of you who are on the road that I want to be on (detaching & GALing)?
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
QUestion--what do you think has made you get to this point? I am so intrigued by those of you who are on the road that I want to be on (detaching & GALing)?
TG, I would say the first thing is for you to decide that you don't NEED your spouse to live a happy and fulfilling life. Realize that they may be gone for good no matter what you do, and you'll be ok... even better than ok! Once you do this the rest will fall in place.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY is correct and from my readings across many forums and discussions with many people who have gone through similar issues. I realized no matter what I do, i can't force the person to come back. LBS have already taken that step to met in the middle, its the WAS that has to take that step.
So the only thing you can do is work on yourself to be a better person with no expectations that your S is coming back. Many of us initally do not want to admit this, we hate admitting its over. But it is over, but it doesn't mean a new chapter can't start. The new chapter can be with or without your spouse. Yes it hurts, it always hurts. It hurts even when you think you are detatched.
So for me (FY gave you the view). I simply said, i need to let her go. But i follow these rules as i let her go.
1. Its okay to feel emotions, just do it without your spouse 2. Be nice, be respectful and be there for your your ex-spouse. Just like a friend. Don't go the extra mile, just treat her/him like a buddy. 3. Flirt but do not think you are chasing her/him. Remember we all flirt with people we like, its natural. It doesn't mean you want him, just flirt because it makes you feel good. 4. Make yourself happy and others will be happy around you. 5. Stop protecting your spouse, its over. He/She can go do whatever they want, but you need to stop worrying over it because it is over.
I think maybe even easier to summon this up, i think this is in one of the books. Begin from the beginning mindset. Forget he/she has a past with you. Simply treat them like its all new. Yes this is extremely hard but if you really think about it.......
The old relationship is over, if you find a new person, you are starting from the beginning, so why not do it with your ex-spouse.
Those are my mind set as i work it out. I won't lie, i want it to have a happy ending, but at the same time for my own sanity I understand our old relationship is over. I don't want that old relationship because it failed.
I want a new relationship, i prefer my W but if not..then some other girl will be lucky with my experience. I thank my W for giving me this experience on being a better person. Just a shame, i couldn't do this for her while we were M.
I do believe I've gotten to the point where I know I don't NEED him, but I still WANT him in my life very much.
I think I am "stuck" in the sad phase. I'm also "waiting" to see what happens next w OW (PA??). I know that I need to detach either way until he decides his path.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Its okay to feel that way, I still do. We all do with our S.
The part you shouldn't do is "Wait" to see what happens w OW. I already gave my blessing to my W and hope it works out w OM. Since then, i haven't worried or waited for that. Heck if she even brings up dating, I simply say "Great, I am happy for you", then i bring up a new topic or walk away.
Remember, your S fell in love with you before because you were a special person to him, you had good qualities about yourself. You just need to focus on yourself to bring those qualities out for yourself. Everything else will fall in place.
So top worrying or waiting for the OW. Heck if you don't want to openly tell him have fun, at least in your head, tell yourself "Who cares"
Your only in the Sad phase, as long as you let it continue . My sitch is only 2 months but i realized, there is no reason why i have to be sad. I was originally sad for my kids too...but i realized my W is doing this, i can't stop her, so i can't be sad for the kids, i need to be the best dad in the world.
I am already mentally preparing for the day, my W moves out. Heck, I am planning weekend events for myself already. I am planning Dinner with my kids, fun stuff, movie night. Things i will do without my W. I already thought about taking my kids on vacation without my W. In the end, she can join me on the fun or she can go get her own fun.
Today I got a date with the W, her birthday is coming up soon. With my new beginner mindset. I am treating her as a friend. I got hope without expectations but i plan on allowing myself to have fun without watching her every movements.
1. Dress up really nice, like GQ style. I got new clothes, went out on shopping spree and spent more money on clothes than i did in the last 10 years of my marriage. Hey I am single now 2. Hair salon to change my hair style, always wanted more flair. Always had a borrowing haircut at the barber. I need some advice. Never went to a Salon before (180) 3. Driving 3 hours to watch a concert (she wanted to see) 4. Taking her to a nice place to eat $$$, as a married couple we would avoid. 5. Got her a pillow and blanket for the car ride back so she can sleep. 6. Maintain eye contact throughout the event, give really nice smiles, and listen to every word.
Nothing about this speaks about being married. I just hope we have fun. If she tries any R talk, I ain't having it.
For me, she is now a single women, who i would like to get to know more. If nothing happens...oh well its just like dating..
