Know what stinks? Watching someone you love hurt. Reaching out to help and getting your hand chopped off.
Throughout this whole, bizarre situation...I have longed to give him a hug. I can see his pain and I've just wanted to be there for him. But, now that HE's reaching out for comfort--I don't trust him.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I loved your comment on your last thread!! "fly in the wind dude" LMAO You stick to that. Keep your distance, The way i see it, If he really does love you he will prove it to you. He will jump through hoops of fire for you. Make him do that.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Hi, you are on the tightrope that most of us spend time at the start of all of this - the only thing that makes sense of their behaviour is the pain of MLC, but another part of us cannot accept that they are, to all intents and purposes, emotionally crazy.
They do not recognise that they are loved by us, and may even go on saying that they love us, or tell themselves they never loved us, despite all the evidence to the contrary. Either way, their actions are not loving
They are lying to themselves and to everyone else [I read that and wholly agree with it]. What they are living in is their reality, and you wil not persuade them otherwise. It shifts constantly, but they do not see it.
Nevertheless a part of us expects them to behave normally and rationally. We just do, because it is the only basis on which most of can act. But really it is like a therapist dealing with a disturbed client. You never know who you are going ot encounter on any occasion, and they may change 'personality' during the encounter. Weird stuff. And very hard to deal with.
We are angry with them [as Snodderly observes, an important part of the healing for us] and we are also sorry for them. And there is always the deep and hard question of the extent to which they are responsible for their choices. I still shift on that one.
I think initially we teeter between letting them off the hook ook because of their damage, and holding them to account because of the pain they are causing to those they love.
later our view becomes more stable. Everyone has a degree of accountability, and they allowed themselves to get that way. Some people deal with damage, and others deny it. We are seeing people with little or no self awareness, but that isn't really an excuse. It is a reason. So se drag the focus off them, and put it on ourselve, and it is a relief to do so.
We can and must heal and live fulfilling lives. Why should the MLC monster devour all our lives instead of just one.
And as MgoesBlue says, it is the best thing we can do, ultimately for our spouse. Suppose they do come out of it? Better by far for them not to have to see their spouse or former spouse utterly destroyed by their actions. And if they don't come out of it, we have a life to lead.
WHY IS it so important for me to know the truth behind all these Mea Culpa's? I can't stop thinking about it. I want to know the why he is apologetic now.
And, it really doesn't matter because he's not moving home anytime soon anyhow--but it bothers me. I guess I've been lied to so much and I'm done with it.
I wonder if she has found someone new? Maybe he's not getting the steady supply of grass anymore? Maybe this is why he seems more lucid?
Yesterday, he told me he's felt horrible this whole time. Tired of being the bad guy. Then, he went into this justification about why he was frustrated with me and how I screwed up in the marriage. Still, little responsibility...but FULL of SHAME. I have to admit, though, I do appreciate how hard it was to come over yesterday and face us all--together. He knew he was running the gauntlet. But, what happened that made him want to face it NOW? And, he said she keeps saying they are just friends? So, I asked...If she had said otherwise, would you guys be together? He said prob not.
Huh? And, Sat, he was telling D18 that he was still with her and he even considered introducing her to D18. WTH? On Sat, he was unwilling to give her up. Was this all to save face and make things seem better than they were? Or??? I'm confused. Going to try to focus on me.
It bugs me. But, I can hear Snodderly saying...let it go and focus on you and the girls.
Ugh.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thanks Bea...You are very wise. I will do my best because I know you're right--I guess I need to allow his actions to speak and just keep on trucking. If he is sincere, it will come out in the wash.
Either he isn't welcome at her place anymore or he doesn't feel comfortable there--
When he says he's living out of his truck--I think he keeps most of his stuff there--not necessarily where he sleeps. I noticed about a month ago that his truck looked really dirty and messy. I think this has been going on a while. Maybe he couldn't maintain the sex part of the relationship because she is kinda gross? I wonder--this sorta fits. And when he didn't put out for the grass, she cut the cord.
Gawd...I'm doing it again. Is it ok to ask for answers? So, I can let it go. I'm the kinda person that can't let it rest until I KNOW in my Gut. After years of lying, I've learned to rely on my instincts and when my instincts say something is off...I just obsess until I hit the target. Or, at least what feels like the target.
Ick. Have to go teach.
Thanks for listening.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
It's human nature to want to know about the Mea Culpa's. I understand why you are thinking about it, but stop and think about this...the holidays are coming and maybe, just maybe, he's having a lucid moment and is thinking about the way things use to be around the holidays. Yes, he misses his family, but he's evidently not missing them enough to severe the ties COMPLETELY w/the "just friends" ow.
I also think that he's been apologetic right now because of the guilt and shame, and again w/the holiday season right around the corner. He also has seen that you aren't waiting on him to fix things around the home and have had someone in do some of the chores that he would normally have done. That is a huge 180 and he knows that you are doing what needs to be done w/o him being there.
I imagine he does feel terrible, but it's not been enough to make him face his issues and do the hard work of recovery. Keep in mind...he is only telling you what he says the ow has said. If he has lips and they move, then he could very well be lying and telling you what you want to hear to keep you out there in case things don't work out in crazy town.
He's still very confused and still wants his cake and eat it too. He's still trying to suck you back into his drama...don't go there because you've been doing a lot better once you put the cake away.
It can be confusing because you are too close to the situation, but in time, you'll learn the signs of cake eating and the dance they want us to dance. Just remember, your dance card is full and you are not going to participate in their confused waltzes.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You and Bea MAKE A lot of sense. Backing off and letting him blow in the wind seems to be working, so that's what I'll keep doing. If HE presses R, then I will tell him I need to SEE some action on his part. I can also be honest I don't trust him. I know he's hurting, this much I believe, but Not sure about the rest.
Time will Tell. Like I said, I'm done with boys.
At least snotty boys who lie.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
