Some morning Journaling... and fair warning that this is going to be quite whiney, as I haven't felt this down for quite some time...
I'll get this part out of the way first: despite all the advice I got on this forum, I went ahead with my original plan (and that of my IC) and sent a quick "W, wanted to write and wish you a happy birthday. I hope you're having a great one. H" email... She responded a few hours later with "Thanks, H!"
Now before the 2x4s start rolling in, let me preface this by saying my own brain is clearly doing the work for you guys.
Lesson learned? I hope so.
So I immediately felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest when I sent that email... My anxiety disappeared and I finally felt like I could breathe again... And that lasted for a while.
Then, as I was on my way home from work, my Mom called to ask how I was, knowing it was W's birthday. I told her I was doing okay, having a rough day etc. but I'd get through it. She asked me if she could call W, and I told her that she could do whatever she wanted to do, but I don't think she'd answer the phone and I most certainly didn't want W to think I'd ASKED my mother to call her...
My Mom has always felt a special attachment to my W, especially now, as when my Mom was my wife's age, she cheated on my father, felt very lost, etc...
So my mother decided she wouldn't call yesterday, but would wait to reach out to her later.
Anyway, I got home, made dinner, played with my dog, watched TV, tried to call some friends but had no luck, then had a couple drinks and went to bed very early (for me at least).
As has become common lately, I dreamt about W and I together again... woke happy, then realized my reality.
And then I decided to check FB for the first time in weeks... knowing full well that I'd probably see or read something that would upset me... And it was just a simple post from my W's sister who had updated her status to wish her sister a happy birthday, using her maiden name...
Why does this affect me? I mean, I'd heard W had changed back to her maiden name months ago on FB, and i'm sure her sister was just linking to her page in the update... but that simple post, talking about how strong and beautiful and funny and amazing my W is... coupled with seeing her maiden name... well it's sent me right into the dumps this morning... and it's got me thinking...
I can't shake the feeling... that's been boiling below the surface for quite a while now... that I'm not doing ANYTHING to move my situation along... this silence from my end... this darkness... I can't see how it's helping me to "Bust my Divorce".
I know I'm not supposed to look at it like that... that I'm supposed to be focusing on how it's helping me become a better person and detach and whatever... but I can't lie and say that the goal isn't anything other than working toward a new relationship with my W...
And I feel, moreso now than ever, that this darkness is promoting an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality more than anything else...
But, all that being said, I can't see the alternative anymore. Let's just say I start reaching out a little more often... what does that do for me?
Maybe it gets me back in touch with her and we go back to having these weekly multi-hour conversations... and during those conversations maybe she's reminded of what she's really missing by continuing on the path she's on...
But then I know I'm setting myself up for more heartache... coupled with broken boundaries... and I'm pretty sure that won't work too much better than the nothing that's happening now.
Clearly I've slipped back into the "Mr. Fix It" mode where I'm scrambling to try to figure out what I can DO... but I just feel so lost again right now... like nothing I'm doing or can do will get me to the goal I set out by buying this book and joining this board.
