The Lure of the Siren

[Arsene]

I question my DBing this evening.

I got home and D8 was in her room crying. I calmly ask W what had happened and apparently D8 had been yelling and having tantrums and even hitting the maid. I just couldn't understand what had happened as she has been consistently good for the last few months, doing what she has to do when she has to do it and behaving well in every way.

W said that it's always that way and that she didn't understand why. She said that even in the past D8 had always behaved badly when I wasn't around but would calm down when I was around. She used to think that D8 was afraid of me but lately, that can't be the reason. I wanted to tell wife that perhaps D8 sees me as a responsible parent while she sees her (W) as a teenager and a buddy, but I didn't. At one point, while I was calmly asking about the situation, W got on the defensive and I assured her that I was in no way criticizing her, that I simply wished to know what the problem was. This calmed her down.

Later, after dinner, W was going through the fridge to get some drinks for D8 as she was taking her to her gig (an early finish) and then D8 would spend the night at hers. She asked me if she could take a few small drinks with her. I said she could as long as there were at least a few left for D8's school on Friday and Saturday. Again, W got on the defensive and started saying angrily that it was OK, then, she could just buy some herself. I stopped her (I guess I should have validated but I didn't) and stated quite firmly but without anger that all I had asked was if there were at least a few left. She said there were and I told her she could take what she needed then. Then I restated, again firmly:"That was all I asked W!". She darted out without speaking and I went to make sure D8 had all she needed for an overnight stay.

It looked to me like W was about to leave without saying goodbye and I went to the door to ask her calmly when she thought she would drop D8 off. There we had a "normal" talk for a bit but I could see that W was tense. In the end, I wished her a good gig and walked in without looking back. By the time I'd come back out with D8 W was around the corner getting in the car. D8 then followed on her own.

I don't know if it's the distance I've created recently that is the cause of this and I'm not sure what it means and how to handle it from here. How should I read all of this renewed anger? I know it's kind of what I told DBmod I was expecting out of her if I managed to distance myself but I frankly didn't really think it would be so instant. Besides, is this really what I want? What is going on in her head right now? Am I helping my situation or am I making it worse?